Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Fetch me my Chicken Axe!

Sorry for the general shortage of updates in March, there has been much madness, a crisis or two, and I was feeling a bit down for various reasons. I was going to do a big, solemn post about it all, but luckily Jo pointed out that I was being a miserable fucker, and told me to stop - so you can thank her for saving you from that one. I'm fine now, things have calmed down, and I'm feeling positive again, after a bit of a dodgy patch. I know I've got a post about screen credit to finish, and a follow up post to the writer's block post, and something else I've forgotten too. I will pick one at random and do it soon. There's also some more news coming, but more on that later. Oh, and Phil has tagged me too, the heinous swine, so I'll probably do that first, because some of my answers are quite appropriate for this week in particular.

For a couple of years, I've had a silly website called monkeyshatner, where I would test my ninja web skills - which usually resulted in me begging Jo to fix the mess I made. It was also so I could upload silly homemade Photoshop jokes, and anything else I fancied. I haven't used it for a year, and what with Flickr and YouTube and Google Video and all that, it's pretty redundant. So I've archived the pages, and closed it down. Instead, I'm having a go with the new Google Page Creator thingy. It's very cool, you can edit the page from your browser, stick things on it, drag things around, and all sorts. Signups are limited, but I got an invite through my Gmail account, so if you have one of those, check it out. Have a look at Eyespot too, it's an online thing where you can upload video and edit it. Haven't had a go yet, but will soon.

I'll miss the old site, but will be transferring a few of my favourite pages over to the new one, so all is not lost. Besides, most of my hits came from people looking for weird insects and the Cheeky Girls, so it's not like I was providing a valuable service or anything. Here are the most popular search hits from March 2006:

67 - weird insects
8 - cheeky girls
8 - film certificate
3 - cheeky
3 - cheeky g-
3 - cheeky%20girls
2 - bbfc rate
2 - bbfc%20certificate
2 - biggest cat in the world
2 - cheeky-
2 - hedgehog porn
2 - monkey
2 - schindlers list
2 - the cheeky girls
1 - bbfc film certificate
1 - biggest cat in world
1 - ch-
1 - che-
1 - cheeky gir-
1 - cheeky girl-

I had a page about weird insects spotted from my window, which is why people found me with that first one. To explain the other hits: I edited a video clip of the Cheeky Girls and put comedy sound effects on it, because they hit their heads together in one of their videos, and *didn't even notice*. "BBFC certificate" and the like are because of my scanned BBFC cert for Cheap Rate Gravity. "Schindlers list" is a gag poster I made for a sequel to Schindler's List, starring Arnie, fighting a robot Terminator Hitler. In colour, with a happy ending, where Arnie kicks RoboHitler's arse. "Biggest cat in the world" is my tribute page to my sister's cat Buddy, who truly was the biggest cat ever. And "hedgehog porn" is a joke Flash animation I made - the scary thing is that I regularly seem to get people genuinely searching for actual hedgehog porn. Hmmm.

"Weird insects" is always top of the search hits, every time. A close second is "biggest cat in the world", "meanest cat in the world", or "biggest meanest cat". And then you get down to the occasional searches, which are always interesting. February brought 2 people looking for "arse fuck". January brought 2 people looking for "monkey fuck". And that same month, someone else came looking for a "chicken axe". I don't know what that is, but I want one.


Dom Carver said...

Glad to see you're back. Don't make me wait so long next time.

Lee said...

Here, here, take the time to spread your troubles 'round a bit. We can always cheer you up if you're glum, after, of course, the requisite period of schadenfreude.

A chicken axe is a tiny tomahawk, used by little indians to practise their throwing skills before taking part in battles.

Dom Carver said...

I've just checked the stats for my website tonight and here are two search phrases used from hits to my site.

Beer rectally
Young lads shagging women

Don't ask because I have no idea.

James Moran said...

Lee: I'll probably use some of it in the writer's block followup, as it's relevant. You big scary internet man with an evil clown brother.

Dom: Cheers! As for "beer rectally", I tried not to think about it, but too late, I already have a mental image of something terrible happening somewhere.

Dom Carver said...

'Beer rectally' is soooooooooooooooooooo wrong for two reasons.

1) Why would anyone want to.
2) What a bloody waste.

Jools said...

You know those men who put fruit up each other's bottoms?
Oh you do, do you?
You know them
They're your friends

Dom Carver said...

Do I know anyone who shoves fruit up their bum....?

Not that I recall.

Jools said...

That was addressed to James. I never say things like that to complete strangers, but he's my brother so he must endure my insults!

Dom Carver said...

He is indeed blessed

Dom Carver said...

Just checked my webstats agaian and here's another one:

Photo of dead diana in car crash

There are some truly sick people out there.

James Moran said...

I think that's even worse than people looking for beer up the arse...