I'm so spaced out at the moment, my head is in several places at once: the Curfew script, the Secret TV Show outline, the BBC One-Off Show outline, the script of Secret Movie Thing, and the pitch document for New Movie Thing. I feel like I've written more words in the past 2 months than the past 4 years. I'm not sleeping very well, can't stop thinking about everything when I go to bed, and I'm anxious, worried that I won't get it all finished. It's just like there's this massive *thing* looming over my head, whatever I do, wherever I go, it's there, a constant buzzing in my head saying "you're not finished, you're not finished, you haven't done that outline yet, even if you do, there's LOADS of other things to finish, these people are busy, they need you to do your part of the bargain, get on with it, you're not finished" - if I'm writing, eating, watching TV, or just walking with my iPod blaring in my ears, I can feel it, like someone has tied a Zeppelin to one ear. Whichever way I turn my head, it's just THERE.
And it's like *I'm* not there, just a hollow shell walking around and making conversation, but there's nobody inside. I keep wandering around the flat, stopping in the middle of the room, with no idea what the hell I'm doing, am I coming or going, have I just walked in, or am I heading outside, was I taking the bins out, or am I home from work, did I finish that outline, did I email that bloke, was there something else I was supposed to finish today, am I just imagining it, am I meeting those people this week or next week, if I change that subplot in the outline it might cock up the ending and mean a new one, did I add in that scene to the script or not, have I got time to finish that outline this week, or will it mean something else will be late, have I just got up or is it time for bed, have I eaten, am I hungry, what day is it, is it day or night, what is that buzzing sound, is something burning, can I concentrate on watching this TV show long enough to relax my mind, or will I just zone out and have to rewind to find out what happened, will I get any sleep tonight if I can stop my mind racing for 5 minutes, what is the nature of reality, am I even human or just a physical construct placed in a massive maze for some scientific experiment?
Don't get me wrong. I love writing. I love working on the things I'm doing. I'm just really tired and anxious. I will be so glad when I get everything finished. I'll need a break where I don't do or think anything. I wish you could just flick a switch and turn off your mind when you need to rest.