Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Return of the scary internet people

I've been using StatCounter since 2005, and just had a look to see how many hits I've had in that time: 101,062. That's page loads, so includes all the random refreshes and so on. The number of unique visitors is 85,654. Which one should I use as the official count? It's a bit pointless anyway, as it doesn't include all the hits from 2003-2005, but that was before anyone had heard of me, so let's say about twelve hits…

While I was checking my stats, I glanced at the keywords people have used to find me. Once again, Teh Scary Internet People return, with their bizarre search terms and constant interest in naked ladies. Behold:

laura harris topless - yes, our friend is back. Scarily though, that search led them to the other Scary Internet People blog entry, so now they know I disapprove. I expect a dead cat in the post any day now.

danny dyer nude - well, at least there are equal opportunity nudey searches.

woman topless - although the searches for naked women will always outnumber anything else, let's face it.

nudie pictures - ah, how quaint. Nudie pictures, of healthy young ladies playing volleyball. Nothing wrong with that.

ten deadly sins for police - look, if you're not sure it's a deadly sin, and you're a copper, then whatever it is, you probably shouldn't be doing it.

the meatman movie - I have no idea, but I need to see it.

proper arse fuck session for free - I'm shocked and insulted by this, I would *never* give it away for free.

i'm shitting myself already now - you and me both, mate.

mrs. bauer from 24 - this found the confession of my man-crush on Jack Bauer. God knows what they were looking for.

mrs. bauer - okay, okay, we get the message. She's not here.

the pen is mightier than the gun - much as it pains me to say it... it really isn't. Bang. Dead. Where's your pen now?

spork games - remind me not to go to your parties.

european twirling his moustache - now there's a fetish I hadn't heard of. (Update: this is apparently a painting, as found by Rawshark in the comments earlier - do a Google and see it for yourself)

birthday grandad sorry i can't be there - so, what, you were searching for a form-letter apology??

severance ending spoilers - No! NO! Watch the movie! It's only 95 fucking minutes, don't spoil it for yourself, I didn't slave over the damn thing for years so you could just skip to the end! Oh okay then: they all get eaten by a giant mongoose. There. Happy now?

pitch document - oh! Fucking hell! Something to do with writing! And not weird shit or naked pictures! Sadly, I have no information about pitch documents, so you're out of luck.

Some new countries to add to the visitor list: Taiwan, Jordan, and Malaysia. As always, if you are those people, give us a shout so I can say hello.

Also, I'm glad to see that out of a sample of 100 visitors, only 45 of you are using Internet Explorer, the rest are a mix of Firefox, Opera and Safari. But I have to ask... if you are using IE, why? If you have to at work, fair enough, but if you don't have to, I'd love to hear why, then I can badger you into switching to a proper browser.

And that concludes this latest glimpse into the minds of scary internet lunatics. We now return you to our regular broadcast.

31 comments:

Oli said...

Now, surely when searching for that sort of 'free session', this fine blog wouldn't be the top hit on Google? Surely it's page 2 or 3 at best, before which there must be at least 100 pages which could genuinely help the man acquire his desired 'session'.

So someone's gone through every page, clicking, viewing, just in case. Surely his time could have been better spent, I don't know, cottaging, dogging, or whatever it is you crazy kids do nowadays? Just a thought.

Lucy said...

Hah, I can beat you hands down mate with what I found in my counter referrals list the other day:

Hairy naked French or Irish Men showing their arseholes.

I guess the Googler in question couldn't make up their mind... Should I have sent them here???

hotzappa11 said...

IE - because that's what came with my laptop.

*sticks out tongue*

p.s. i'd like to say i have never searched for any of these search terms, not even topless ones either. I can control my urges.

Hotzappa's laptop said...

That's a woeful lie, embrace your true personality and stop living in self denial. All those search terms on James' blog was you, HZ, you!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was there.

Oli said...

Again, Lucy, did the Googler genuinely think they'd find this on your site? Or do you think they changed their mind, mid-search, and decided to have a go at screenwriting instead?

Lucy said...

Oh my dear, dear Oli... Clearly you have much to learn about the secret elements of my blog that hold carefully hidden porno.

hotzappa11 said...

Who's impersonating me. How dare yee. ha

Phill Barron said...

I use IE, what's wrong with it?

Amanda said...

Flipperty hell, Moran, I don't check your blog for a few days (given that you were not updating often, natch) and then all of a sudden you've blogged up a storm.

All I want to say is: Re The Meatman Movie... me too. Can you write it, please?

Peter Pan said...

Yes, I usually read from work .. so no I dont have any choice.
Of course, I found you after somebody mentioned you were wrtiting for Torchwood and I wondered if you were the same James Moran who used to sit across from me in Mrs Browne's cse history classes back in Luton ... turns out you werent but I liked your musings so stuck around ever since.

Pillock said...

I also use IE and can't find a reason to bother changing it.

Is this a microsoft-hating thing?

Stephen Gallagher said...

proper arse fuck session for free

You realise, of course, that repeating the phrase in your post now moves you right to the top of the search lists of all those proper arse fuck session aficionados?

Oli said...

IE is just a bad bad piece of software... it doesn't do what it's meant to do, it's not intuitive, and if you're a web designer it's your bĂȘte noire, as it seems to render in a way that makes no sense. "You want a margin of 15 pixels? How about 5? I can give you five."

Switch to Firefox, and you won't ever go back. It's a thing of geeky beauty, especially once you get it all add-on-ed up.

Piers said...

IE takes longer to download and display web pages.

Try Opera or Firefox.

Piers said...

Also, the others do tabbed browsing. You'll like that, too.

James Moran said...

Briefly: It's slow, buddy, poor at standard compliance (which holds web development back), still extremely unsafe, and still several years behind everyone else with the technology. Give Firefox a go, even for a week - it does all the same stuff, and much much more. You'll be safer, better protected, and will be helping to move the web onwards. No software is 100% safe, obviously, but any other browser is much safer, and their flaws are spotted and fixed much more quickly.

And yes, I hate MS, because their software is shite, but it's a rational hatred. I don't hate big companies just because they're big - MS software is bloated, buggy, and awful to use. Google's just as big, probably bigger, but I love them because their stuff *works* properly.

James Moran said...

stephen gallagher: You realise, of course, that repeating the phrase in your post now moves you right to the top of the search lists of all those proper arse fuck session aficionados?

All part of the plan to launch my new online shop...

Neal Romanek said...

Yes, those IE users are a dirty, filthy, thieving people.

But I'm really getting sick of how Safari keeps crashing every time I try to open a pdf.

But whenever I look at my Statcounter - every 20 - 40 minutes - I marvel at how many people are using Opera. Good on you, you Opera-tors!

MarkC said...

"Also, the others do tabbed browsing. You'll like that, too."

IE does tabbed browsing.

And the search speed tests I've looked at put IE ahead of firefox.

IE might not be as safe, though.

Oli said...

But it only does tabbed browsing as a pale imitation of Firefox. In fact, all of the changes they made in 6-7 were ripped off from Firefox, and it's still not as good.

Not necessarily an MS hater though: Word's a perfectly dandy piece of software. For outlines etc, it's a must, over the claustrophobia of Final Draft, which whilst it claimsto allow you to write prose, hits you over the head with a large chunk of granite should you dare to try, screaming "There's no money in it!"

Danny Stack said...

I was perfectly happy with IE until Mr Moran showed me the light, ooh, round about this time last year, and I haven't looked back since. I used to have an Ad-Aware program to filter out the stuff that got through IE, but with Firefox, Ad-Aware just sits there collecting dust.

Pillock said...

Okay. I'm kinda scared though.

Pillock said...

Right, that was painless enough. Everything looks subtly different. Better? I don't know yet. Certainly no worse. I'm going to go and watch something on YouTube and see what changes. Oh, I see It's spell-checking my comments. Should make life less embarrassing. That'll do for a start.

hotzappa11 said...

All right. How do i change from IE to this "godlike" Firefox then. Writing I'm supposidly (sp?) good at, computers i am not.

Rosby said...

...blimey. *rubs eyes*

Frankly, if you're writing for Doctor Who and Torchwood, your foray into the world of scary, obsessive internet types is *far* from over. You'll have fangirls and boys analysing your every move. Fandom can be a seriously scary place when it wants to.

(Sorry; I didn't mean to sound so disheartening, there.)



(

James Moran said...

Hotzappa: Go to www.getfirefox.com, and there's a download link right at the top - it should be fairly painless, it's just a download then an easy install. Go on, go on, go on (/mrsdoyle)

Rosby: Fangirls and boys are lovely, they're just really passionate about the things they like. I'm one myself. I've done the queueing for autographs, going mute when meeting famous types (still do that sometimes), or gushing out inappropriate declarations of love. But I do worry about the sheer amount of people who watch the shows, as I don't want to let them down. There hasn't been a case of fans murdering a writer yet, and I intend to make sure there never is - in case you all hate my episodes, I have a witness protection thing all ready to go...

Anonymous said...

[/lurk]*waves*

Since you're collecting stats: I'm from Newcastle Australia, I got the link to your blog from the Outpost Gallifrey Torchwood forum and drop by from time to time to see if there's any more news on the Dr Who / Tw front. I'm not after spoilers particularly, just interested in the whole process.[lurk]

Piers said...

Flying the flag for Opera: http://www.opera.com/. Also contains a great big download-me-now link.

It even has bittorrent built-in.

Jools not James said...

"There hasn't been a case of fans murdering a writer yet"
*coughs*Misery*coughs*

MarkC said...

Someone should definitely update Misery for the fanboy generation...

Psycho Fanboy: You're not going anywhere, Mr Writer. I'm going to freeze you in carbonite!

Writer: You mean just like Luke Skywalker?

Psycho Fanboy: HAN SOLO, DAMMIT! HAN SOLO!


...Ok, maybe not.

martin said...

Sorry, but what the hell is everyone talking about???