Thursday, February 09, 2012

Contains strong language

WARNING: This blog post is about rude words in scripts. It is quite sweary. Please look away while reading it, and if you DO read it, make sure you don't ever have children.

Recently I found this list of the top 50 sweariest movies - where they use the word "fuck" and its variants at least 150 times. 99 movies in all, and very fucking sweary they are, too. Although I don't think the top one really counts, as it's a documentary about the word "fuck", rather than characters using it in dialogue. But I'm just jealous because they get to swear a lot, and swearing is fun.

Now, I've often wondered if my characters swear too much in scripts, so I opened up the final shooting draft of Severance to count up the fucks. I thought there'd be a lot, certainly enough to get into the over-150 list. But there were only 56! And it was quite a sweary movie! But 56 seemed very low, for a 95 minute movie. There's an Insane Clown Posse song that has 93 fucks in less than 4 minutes! This blog post alone has 22 fucks (including that one)! For shame, Moran. For shame.

It sounded a bit better when I counted up the shits and cocks, too: 56 fucks, 20 shits, and 9 cocks. Then I remembered that we trimmed some out just before filming, so I went back to my earlier, slightly longer draft - but that only had 65 fucks, 23 shits, 5 cocks, and 1 wank. So while I'd lost 9 fucks, 3 shits and a wank, I'd somehow gained 4 cocks.

That might just be my favourite sentence ever.

Anyway. I then had to go and check the Cockneys Vs Zombies script, as I know there was a lot more swearing in that - we've got Alan Ford in it, for fuck's sake, playing a Cockney, in a zombie movie, if you don't give him any swearwords, then you have FAILED as a writer. So it's pretty fucking sweary. Sadly, when I checked my final draft, I still didn't have enough fucks to make it on to the list of 150-fucks and over. But still, there were a lot. More than Severance, definitely. So I'm getting there, slowly. Tower Block also has more fucks than Severance, but less than Cockneys.

When talking about this on Twitter, I didn't want to give away how many fucks were in either script, so I decided to have a little competition: Guess the fuck-count! Now, I don't know how many will end up in the final movies, due to editing, trims, people throwing in extra ones in the heat of the moment, etc - maybe more, maybe less, I don't know. And it'll be hard to count up all the swearing in each movie, until they're out on DVD and I can talk someone else into doing it. So let's stick to the final script versions, and work out the finished movie counts later, for fun.

I've already told you CvsZ and Tower Block have more fucks than Severance, but not enough to get onto the 150-fucks or over list, so that gives you a range of 57 to 149. For each movie, give me your best guesses on how many fucks, shits, cocks, and wanks are in each one. There's also *1* extra mystery swearword not on the lists, that only features once in one of the two movies - see if you can guess what that is, and which movie it's in.

A reminder of the Severance figures:

56 fucks
20 shits
9 cocks
0 wanks

Based on my final shooting script, how many of each does Cockneys Vs Zombies have? How many does Tower Block have? What is the 1 mystery swearword, and which of the two is it in?

You have until the first public screening of either movie to guess, in comments on this post, after which comments will be closed to avoid cheating (people who've seen either movie will have an unfair advantage).

The prize will be fame and fortune (i.e. a mention on this blog, fame and fortune not guaranteed). You can enter from any country, one entry per person, per comment. Entries can only be added here to this post.

Now go and start fucking guessing, you fucks!


Jane said...

I'm gonna guess that there's 102 fucks/fuckings/fuckeds in Cockneys Vs Zombies.

89 Fucks in Tower Block

And I'm kind of hoping the mystery swears is cunt/cunting and I'm betting its in C vs Z

ShaunaJ said...

I'm guessing C vs Z has 130 fucks and Tower Block has 70.

Mystery sweary word... crunchy-cunt in Tower Block.

ShaunaJ said...

Oh, I forgot to guess the rest!

C vs Z, 25 shits and 5 cocks and 2 wanks.

Tower Block, 16 shits 8 cocks and 1 wank.

Danny said...

I've been told before that one of my scripts has TOO much swearing in that possible?

Chuck said...

Wow, the rules are so fucking complex.

This contest really needs a scientific approach, based on knowledge of the contest creator, world events, intermediate mathematics and mice entrails.

I believe James to be a natural guy and one who sees nature in its raw essence, therefore I am going to first apply the "Golden Ratio" to the Severance figures,
ratio = (1+sqrt(5)) / 2 = 1.618

so the new base values for
fucks, shits, cocks, and wanks become:
90, 32, 14, 0
These numbers are all rounded down because we all know James does not give 1/2 a fuck, or partial shits. He has been known to have incomplete wanks but 0 times anything is still 0.

Now added to these base numbers are offsets based on the story.

Giving us:
C vs Z
Fucks = 90 - 5 = 85
Shits = 32 + 5 = 37
cocks = 14 - 5 = 9
Wanks = 0

The reasoning being:
I don't fuck the dead - 5.
It's easier to say shit when running + 5.
Zomibies have lost there cocks as have most cockneys - 5.
Nothing added to wanks because if you have no cocks you can't wank.

As for Tower the situation is quite different
Fucks: 90+20=110
Shits: 32+10=42

The rational being Anything with the word Tower in it automatically has a "big" phallic bias. And if you have a big phallic bias, fucks increase, shits increase (doing it in the nasty place). Obviously Cocks are "up". And if cocks are up certainly wanking is increased.

As for the special new word, I must believe that James' tender side regarding fairer sex will come in to play and the word
will be used in Tower.

There it is, scientific and brilliant, so let it be written, so let it be done.

Dave Scullion said...

Cockneys vs. Zombies

112 fucks
27 shits
5 cocks
2 wanks
1 jizzpillock (yes, jizz & pillock together at last)

Tower Block

64 fucks
12 shits
2 cocks
0 wanks
(and a partridge in a cuntree)

Top work on a swearing competition Mr Moran! Fucking love it, you crazy fuckbadger.

Arthur Phuksake said...

Can't be arsed with all that counting bollocks, I'll be fucked if I can pay attention that long! As for the mystery swearword- Cuntox! My personal Cockney favourite.

Mark said...

In Bruges is not on that list. Therefore we know the list to be incomplete, right? If 30 Minutes Or Less is on there and (Fuck)In Bruges is not, then something is fucking amiss...