Thursday, February 09, 2012
WARNING: This blog post is about rude words in scripts. It is quite sweary. Please look away while reading it, and if you DO read it, make sure you don't ever have children.
Recently I found this list of the top 50 sweariest movies - where they use the word "fuck" and its variants at least 150 times. 99 movies in all, and very fucking sweary they are, too. Although I don't think the top one really counts, as it's a documentary about the word "fuck", rather than characters using it in dialogue. But I'm just jealous because they get to swear a lot, and swearing is fun.
Now, I've often wondered if my characters swear too much in scripts, so I opened up the final shooting draft of Severance to count up the fucks. I thought there'd be a lot, certainly enough to get into the over-150 list. But there were only 56! And it was quite a sweary movie! But 56 seemed very low, for a 95 minute movie. There's an Insane Clown Posse song that has 93 fucks in less than 4 minutes! This blog post alone has 22 fucks (including that one)! For shame, Moran. For shame.
It sounded a bit better when I counted up the shits and cocks, too: 56 fucks, 20 shits, and 9 cocks. Then I remembered that we trimmed some out just before filming, so I went back to my earlier, slightly longer draft - but that only had 65 fucks, 23 shits, 5 cocks, and 1 wank. So while I'd lost 9 fucks, 3 shits and a wank, I'd somehow gained 4 cocks.
That might just be my favourite sentence ever.
Anyway. I then had to go and check the Cockneys Vs Zombies script, as I know there was a lot more swearing in that - we've got Alan Ford in it, for fuck's sake, playing a Cockney, in a zombie movie, if you don't give him any swearwords, then you have FAILED as a writer. So it's pretty fucking sweary. Sadly, when I checked my final draft, I still didn't have enough fucks to make it on to the list of 150-fucks and over. But still, there were a lot. More than Severance, definitely. So I'm getting there, slowly. Tower Block also has more fucks than Severance, but less than Cockneys.
When talking about this on Twitter, I didn't want to give away how many fucks were in either script, so I decided to have a little competition: Guess the fuck-count! Now, I don't know how many will end up in the final movies, due to editing, trims, people throwing in extra ones in the heat of the moment, etc - maybe more, maybe less, I don't know. And it'll be hard to count up all the swearing in each movie, until they're out on DVD and I can talk someone else into doing it. So let's stick to the final script versions, and work out the finished movie counts later, for fun.
I've already told you CvsZ and Tower Block have more fucks than Severance, but not enough to get onto the 150-fucks or over list, so that gives you a range of 57 to 149. For each movie, give me your best guesses on how many fucks, shits, cocks, and wanks are in each one. There's also *1* extra mystery swearword not on the lists, that only features once in one of the two movies - see if you can guess what that is, and which movie it's in.
A reminder of the Severance figures:
Based on my final shooting script, how many of each does Cockneys Vs Zombies have? How many does Tower Block have? What is the 1 mystery swearword, and which of the two is it in?
You have until the first public screening of either movie to guess, in comments on this post, after which comments will be closed to avoid cheating (people who've seen either movie will have an unfair advantage).
The prize will be fame and fortune (i.e. a mention on this blog, fame and fortune not guaranteed). You can enter from any country, one entry per person, per comment. Entries can only be added here to this post.
Now go and start fucking guessing, you fucks!