Wednesday, August 15, 2012

My Zombie Outbreak Survival Plan

People often ask me what I'd do in the event of a zombie outbreak, or something similar. They're expecting a jokey response, but I do actually have a plan all worked out. Hey, I'm a writer, I'm horribly insecure, desperate to be loved, and constantly thinking up worst case scenarios. I've had this plan in my head for *years*.

Some of the steps may seem harsh at first, but put it all into the context of a world descending into apocalyptic ruin, and it makes more sense. You need to abandon all thoughts of how things used to be, and knuckle down. Do you want to get bitten and turned into a shambling zombie, killed by people desperate for supplies, or have your eye sockets fucked into mush by deranged sex cannibals on drugs?? No, of course not. So be prepared! Here is my plan, in 4 simple steps:

Step 1: Kill your neighbours

You know at the start of every zombie movie, there's about half an hour of subtle signs that an outbreak is about to happen? Strange news reports, people "rioting", being bitten, attacking others, unexplained deaths, contamination, strange lights in the sky, blah blah blah? Everyone just ignores the signs, and goes about their business, blissfully ignorant of the tough choices to come.

Don't be those people. Be prepared. As soon as you see the signs - ANY of the signs - kill your neighbours.

This is where many people will falter. "But the outbreak has barely started," you'll say. "My neighbours aren't even infected! We're good friends, and we can help each other!" Spoken like a walking pile of zombie food. Sure, your neighbours are fine NOW, but sooner or later they'll get infected and try to eat you.

Even if they avoid getting bitten, it's only a matter of time before they go nuts and try to take your stuff. Kill them now while they're still civilised and not expecting it. When things get out of hand, they'll do the same to you! Kill them all, take their food and supplies, and use the houses either side of you as potential escape routes.

Step 2: Stock up and fortify

Fill your house/flat/bedsit with the neighbours' stuff, and anything else you can find nearby. There's still time to clear the shops out and get what you need, before things get too Road Warrioresque. And you've already killed the neighbours, so it'll be a lot easier to pick the area clean.

Stock up on weapons, food, tins of beans, booze, water. If anyone asks why, just say you're having a party, or something. Then kill them. Barricade yourself in, and start getting drunk.

Step 3: Trust no-one

By this time, the outbreak will be in full swing. But because you've prepared for it, you can relax while everyone goes berserk trying to survive the carnage. Don't let your guard down. Live quietly, stay drunk, and don't be tempted to make contact with other survivors. If anyone comes to the door, shoot them. Don't talk to them, don't help them, don't even listen to what they say. Just shoot them.

People are panicking, and you can't trust ANYONE right now. If you even let them know you're alive, they'll turn into a zombie, or betray you, or do something fucking stupid and get you killed. Other people are idiotic, crazy, and just plain mean. They're liabilities. Think of the dead-eyed, jaded, hollow survivor you'll eventually turn into - and become that person RIGHT NOW. That person will survive!

Step 4: Wait it out

Now all you have to do is sit tight, and wait. Stay drunk. Eat your food. Do press-ups. Keep your guns oiled. Sooner or later, the army will turn up to evacuate the country, or scientists will find a cure. You'll be safe in your home, healthy, and ready to be rescued. If the apocalypse doesn't stop, and no help arrives, you can wait it out long enough for most of the zombies to rot away. After that, you can start making expeditions further afield for more food and supplies. Be cautious, kill anyone you see, and you can get through this.

And that's pretty much it. It requires you to be incredibly selfish, violent and callous, but in a few months everyone (including you) will be like that anyway, so you may as well just skip ahead and save yourself some hassle. Obviously the plan isn't foolproof - if you're my neighbour, for example. But we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. In the meantime, can I come over to borrow a cup of sugar??

Note for stupid people, crazy people, police people, and all people: this guide is for entertainment purposes only. Please do not kill or hurt anyone, no matter what seems to be happening in the world. Zombies are not real. Everything is going to be fine. And I totally would never do any of this, so it's safe to let me in.