Tuesday, October 20, 2015

How to annoy people on Twitter

New to Twitter? Not sure how it all works? Constantly compelled to annoy people?? Just follow these handy hints, and become an instant expert!

Live in the context-free moment

If someone is talking about something over two or more tweets, and you come in halfway through the conversation, punish them for not summarising all of their previous statements at the start of each new tweet. Sure, you could simply click on their profile and read the rest of it to catch up, but they really should be thinking of you first.

Similarly, if a tweet seems to be saying something you disagree with, without any context, don’t bother looking at their other tweets, just furiously start an argument about the one you saw. Remember, don’t waste time building your anger gradually - you’re busy! - just go straight to white hot rage.

Make people your Google assistants

When someone talks about a celebrity you’ve never heard of, reply immediately and ask them who it is. It would be quicker and easier to copy and paste the name into a Google search box, but hey, they brought the name up in the first place, so it’s their responsibility to stop what they're doing and educate you.

Show off your superior knowledge

Did someone tweet about a few items on a related theme? Make sure to let them know about all the others they should have mentioned, starting with “You forgot ItemX” or “don’t forget ItemX” - even though there’s only 140 characters in a tweet, they clearly forgot about those ones and should have brought them up first. Better yet, they should have found a way to fit everything relating to that subject and the entirety of human history into one tweet. The idiots!

Find the exceptions

Has someone expressed an opinion? Make them defend it, even if you agree with them! People love debating on Twitter with angry strangers, so take up a contrary position just for fun. If they make a generalisation, even if it’s true, twist yourself in knots trying to find an extremely unlikely series of events that would provide the one exception to the thing they said - the goal here is to make them admit that what they said isn’t *always* true. Be as condescending as possible, so they won’t forget their mistake in a hurry. A good opening word is “Er...” or “Actually...” Hardly anything good on the internet starts with “Actually”.

And finally, the most important one of all:

Rain on everyone's parade

If someone says they like something - book, film, TV show, whatever - and you don’t like it?? Make sure to tell them *immediately*, so they know they’re wrong. Try to make them feel bad about liking it, because they’re clearly a weirdo for not thinking exactly the same as you, whose opinion is 100% fact. “Hey, I loved that episode!” - “Really?! You REALLY liked that? Are you sure you're not mistaken? Think about it properly: isn’t it possible that you actually didn't like it at all, and have exactly the same opinion as I do, in other words, the CORRECT opinion??”

Remember, we can’t have people enjoying themselves. Don’t love anything! It’s much, much cooler to just sit on a lofty chair of judgment shrieking at how awful everything is. We don’t like things on the internet. That’s not what we do. Now, go and make someone miserable for having fun!