the pen is mightier than the spork

Halloween: H33 on Vimeo

2012-01-31T22:58:00.001Z

The short film I wrote and directed for FrightFest 2011 is now up on Vimeo, in glorious HD! It's called Halloween: H33, and basically it's a spoof trailer for a terrible sequel to the original Halloween.

There will, at some point, be a big blog post about the process of making the short, as I learned a lot from it. I need to do one for Girl Number 9 too. But for now, enjoy the splattery silliness of H33. Some of the cast and crew are listed on the IMDB, we're slowly adding everyone but the IMDB doesn't always accept them.

Big thanks to the lovely Mr Dan Turner for re-compressing the file for me, as my lack of codec skills kept making everything go orange. Not just the file - I literally turned the whole universe orange. Don't worry, it's fixed now. Except for oranges, they're stuck that way.

Open all hours

2012-01-23T12:02:00.000Z

I started updating the page where you can buy stuff I've written, but it was such a gigantic arse-fiddle, I threw it out and created a mini Amazon store instead. It means I can quickly and easily update it when new stuff comes out, and don't have to rely on my clunky HTML.

So there's now a new link in the top menu, called "Buy my stuff". The mini Amazon store is on that page, and contains everything I've written that is available to buy in the UK. Underneath that are two Region 1 links, because I didn't want to set up a separate store for US stuff, and I don't think I can, anyway. If you choose to buy anything from it, then I get a small referral tip, which will eventually maybe earn me enough to buy a KitKat. I know! Free KitKat! One day, anyway.

Obviously you don't have to buy anything through this blog, I just like having everything organised and in one place. And yes, it's a bit of an ego boost to see all my work displayed like that - writers are an insecure bunch, desperate to be loved.

By the way, schoolkids are only allowed into the shop in groups of two. And no reading! This isn't a library!

Tower Block poster and images

2012-01-17T14:25:00.003Z

News! Actual news! With pictures!

There are some new images and a poster for Tower Block, as reported here on Beyond Hollywood and Blogomatic 3000 - both links have some plot spoilers, so don't read the text if you don't want to know anything. I love the poster, it looks really cool, and I'm very pleased that it uses the tagline I came up with.

The movie is finished now, and we should know about release dates and a trailer very soon, hopefully.

2011 in words and pictures

2011-12-28T21:24:00.002Z

2011, eh? It's been a strange year - and by "year", I mean an arbitrary measurement of passing time that doesn't actually change anything when it "ends" and is essentially meaningless - of highs and lows.

Highs, obviously, are the two movies I had made: Cockneys Vs Zombies, and Tower Block. One of those two movies features a specially-written song by Chas and Dave - can you guess which one? Both written at different times, but ended up getting made only 3 months apart. Sometimes it happens that way, sometimes you make one movie in 2006 and run off to do loads of TV for several years. Speaking of Severance, it was on TV several times recently, and it was cool to see it still entertaining people. I always got lovely messages from people having a laugh with it. Every time, the title and Danny Dyer trended on Twitter, which warms my heart considering it came out so long ago.

The two movies were great fun to shoot, I had a lot more input than usual, and was a co-producer on Tower Block. Both teams have kept me closely involved with every stage of the process, it's been creatively rewarding and a real education in filmmaking. Once again, I recommend working with nice, clever, fun people, and you will always have a good experience. I still can't believe what an amazing cast we got for both of them, and it was so great to see them at work, acting their socks off.

Cockneys Vs Zombies also meant I got to make two tiny cameos in the background, as "Bank customer", and "Zombie outside bank". Obviously I was SO good, they had to limit my appearance on screen, so as not to embarrass the other actors, which of course I understand. Being a zombie was brilliant fun, if slightly sticky. Here's a photo of me, before I got my zombie makeup on. No, wait, AFTER I got the zombie makeup on.

My first steps into audio work were released this year too. Volume 2 of the Big Finish Short Trips CD had a story by me, read by Sophie Aldred, and the 2nd season of Big Finish's Highlander plays (on download or CD) featured The Promise, by me, starring Tracy-Ann Oberman, John Banks, Toby Longworth, and Methos himself, Peter Wingfield. I had no idea if I'd even be capable of working in the audio field, but I had fun, learned a lot, and was very happy with the results. Torchwood Consequences, which contained my story/novella/bookette Virus, became a techno-magic Kindle version.

I went back to the Gallifrey convention after a year away, and had a fantastic time. Did my first Hub convention, which was brilliant, full of really lovely people. Attended a screening of The Fires of Pompeii at the Guildhall, in their Roman amphitheatre. And went into space! Well, the Leicester Space Centre. Which is close.

I also found a little shop in Hell, and saw the best chequebook ever.

Girl Number 9 appeared on the FEARnet website in America, and their VOD channel - it's still there now, American folk, so if you haven't seen it yet, go and check it out.

The print world was very good to me this year. I've written a comic for new anthology Dead Roots, and a short story for prose anthology World's Collider, both of which should be out next year. I also wrote, with Ian Livingstone, a mini, Fighting Fantasy-style adventure for the Game City newsletter. Cockneys Vs Zombies was featured in the SFX zombie special, with an on-set report. And I wrote an article for Broadcast magazine, on the BAFTA TV awards and how I think they sideline writers. I'm hoping to do more comics work, so as always, editors, I'm available!

I wrote and directed a short film for FrightFest, called H33 - it's a spoof trailer for a terrible sequel to Halloween, and I had an absolute blast doing it. It's online here, excuse the odd colours, something went awry in the uploading/compression process. I'll try to get the normal version uploaded soon. Which reminds me, I still need to write a post about the whole process, and what I learned from it.

Some pretty huge, amazing highs, then. When I wrote last year's post about my long term hopes and dreams, two of them were "write comics" and "write a non-DW or TW story". I've now achieved those two (hopefully the first of many), and assuming they don't shred my contributions you'll be able to read them next year. I've also been signed up to do lots of other exciting projects, and fingers crossed they'll all happen at some stage.

Lows? Obviously it seems churlish to complain about what didn't happen or what went wrong, but it's my blog and my life so I'll do it anyway. In my other previous year-end summary post, I was full of hope for a TV project that took 2 years to get to first draft stage. Meetings, outlines, notes, scripts, research, interviewing people, more research, more notes, etc. Well, it didn't get picked up, and that - unfortunately - looks like the end of that. 2 years of work, love, passion, and energy, and it might never, ever see the light. This happens to everyone, WAY more often than you might expect. It's heartbreaking, because you give your all to the characters and stories, and then they just get put into a box forever. But all is not lost - it could be re-pitched elsewhere, at some other time, anything is possible.

2 out of the 3 movies I wrote the scripts for last year haven't been made yet. I'm sure one of them will, but the other probably won't. It's quite expensive to make, and difficult (physically, unless you do it cheaply and don't mind if it looks terrible), so it's a tricky sell. None of the TV things I've worked on have been made yet - these are new shows where I'd be the lead writer, some of which I created, some I came in afterwards to flesh out an initial pitch owned by a production company. TV is slow, because it's a huge investment of time and money for the powers that be, even more so than movies, with less chance of making their money back. So I get that they have to be sure this is the right show to make. But blimey, it can drag on forever. Two of them are getting close to being made though, so I'm cautiously optimistic.

The industry is still a bit quiet, which means there are less jobs for more writers. I've taken on a huge number of things this year, in the hope that they'll get made. Ever since I started writing full time, I've never lost that constant feeling of panic, trying to plan ahead to make sure I stay employed without overextending myself. I think most writers have the same fear. You never know when things will suddenly go quiet for a few months in a row, so you have to line up as much stuff as you can. It feels a bit like when I was temping in various offices - I never knew what I'd be doing the following week, or even if there'd be any work for me. Sometimes the work is fun, sometimes you're answering calls on the complaints line for the refuse collection department of a local council (STILL not the worst job I ever had). It's strange that a year where I have two movies made can still be a fairly quiet year, overall. That's just how it goes sometimes.

But things seem to be picking up - it certainly seems like there's more of a market for low budget genre movies in the UK, which is great news to those of us who aren't snobby about movies that audiences might actually want to go and see on a Friday night (coughTheGuardiancough). Weirdly, it feels easier to get a movie made than a new TV series, although that's probably just based on simple financial factors at the moment.

So let's see what 2012 will bring. I've spent the past 3 years or so mostly in development, working in the background, trying to get things set up and made. It feels like this year I'm starting to see the results of that work, and hopefully next year that'll keep going. It'd be nice to have a steady flow of things on the go, so I can feel secure, knowing that the year will look after itself.

Things to look forward to: the release of Cockneys Vs Zombies and Tower Block. The slim chance that I might get a TV series picked up. The fairly decent but still slimmish chance that I'll get to direct a movie. And the possibility that having two movies released will open some more doors, and end this looooong development stage for the other projects.

That's all for 2011, folks. Have a spiffing New Year's Eve, and a marvellous 2012! OR ELSE.

Tower Block news and new pics

2011-12-23T13:19:00.000Z

Brief Tower Block update - it's almost finished. They're doing the sound mix right now, at Creativity Media (click link for details and a photo). They also have the movie on their list of projects, so if you click here you can see three more pictures - one you've already seen here, one logo, and a new pic of Sheridan Smith.

And finally, another quick pic, this time featuring Julie Graham and Harry McEntire on the screen, while directors Ronnie Thompson and James Nunn strike a pose in front. Yes, they are very silly. But they get results, dammit!

It's weird to think that this time last year, I was meeting Ronnie for the first time, and he told me that he could get this movie made. A year ago, the movie didn't exist. It didn't even exist 6 months ago, we hadn't started shooting yet. And now it's in the sound mix. I can't wait for it to get out there so you can see what we've made.

Silent Night of the Living Dead

2011-12-14T23:20:00.001Z

You may have seen this reported on some movie news sites, but I'm mentioning it here anyway, because I'm really excited about it: I'm working on another zombie movie. This one is directed by Paul Davis, the man responsible for the "Beware the Moon" documentary - he can also be seen as Danny, the man with low-slung pants, in my H33 FrightFest short. It's a different vibe to Cockneys Vs Zombies, more of a Fulci meets Gremlins sort of thing, and is called "Silent Night of the Living Dead". I mean, how the hell am I supposed to resist that title??

There's a report on the movie here, which reveals that two of our stars are AJ Bowen and the absolute legend Tom Savini. There's also a fantastic teaser poster, so go and check it out.

Obviously it's very early days yet, I'm still working on the outline, so there's no sense in asking about parts, jobs, dates, etc etc. When we know, and can say, then you'll know. But yes, we'll probably need lots of zombies. Details when we have them, later in the year.

World's Collider interview

2011-12-14T22:04:00.002Z

I mentioned earlier that I've written a short story for the World's Collider anthology, edited by the lovely Richard Salter. He's been conducting interviews with all the writers, and now it's my turn - except he didn't interview me, because he was too busy working out how to DESTROY me, probably. So he asked Elise Hattersley to do the interview instead. She's another of the writers in the anthology and has not, as yet, tried to destroy me. As far as I know.

The interview is here, so go and read it and be enlightened. If you want. It's a free country, after all, unless you live in an oppressive regime, in which case, why the hell are you risking your life reading THIS blog?? Read something useful!

The BAFTA TV awards situation

2011-11-17T16:18:00.000Z

I'm feeling strangely respectable at the moment, because I've written an article for Broadcast magazine. It's in this week's print edition, live on their website now, and reproduced below with permission. And yes, I really do love America's Next Top Model. And Britain & Ireland's Next Top Model. You should see me during makeover week. Anyway, comments are open on this, for debate, links, etc, but I will be wielding the Meat Hammer of Deletion for any trolling, derailing, or devil's advocate time wasting. Here's the article:

New award for reality shows is an insult to writers, says James Moran.

Bafta must recognise wordsmiths

17 November, 2011

Each year, Bafta has two awards ceremonies to celebrate the best of UK TV. The televised event features glamorous actors in posh outfits; the Craft awards, however, aren’t screened as they feature the people who viewers supposedly aren’t interested in. Like writers. You know, those unimportant people who make up stories in their heads from nothing.

The televised ceremony heaps praise on the nominated shows, and many of the winners talk about the brilliant scripts that got them excited about the project. But you won’t see the writers at the awards, unless the producers allow them to come up on stage, or if the writer is a producer. There’s the Dennis Potter award, for ‘significant writing contribution to television’, but nothing for the creators of shows that might sweep the televised awards. Even Dennis Potter himself, if he were still alive, would be relegated to the Craft section.

TV is driven by writers. You can’t make a soap, a drama, a comedy or narrate a documentary without a script, so it’s baffling to be sidelined like this. Maybe they think we’re not photogenic enough. That’s clearly nonsense. Lots of writers have got that smouldering, broody artist thing going for them. Because that’s what’s important, right? Looking good on the red carpet? Don’t worry, we’ll scrub up and dress nice for you, Bafta.

Worse still, in the Craft awards, there is only one writing category. There should be at least two, to separate drama and comedy. You wouldn’t make Downton Abbey and Peep Show compete for ‘Best TV Show’, because they’re completely different experiences, so why lump all writers into one box?

In the main show, there are six acting awards in total. Drama and comedy shows are rightly split into single drama, drama series, mini-series, continuing drama, comedy and situation comedy.

Directing, while still hidden in the Craft awards, gets three categories – factual, fiction and multi-camera. Sound and editing get two each. But we just get ‘writer’, one award to cover the entire spectrum. What sort of message does that send?

Last time this issue came up, John Willis, then chair of Bafta’s TV committee, said there were “a finite number of categories for each ceremony”. If that’s true, why have they just added a new category for reality shows?

I have nothing against the genre – I love America’s Next Top Model – but you can’t claim there’s no room for writers and then squeeze in an extra category. The “finite” number of categories should be allocated more evenly.

It all affects how writers are perceived, and Bafta seems to be saying that writers aren’t important. I’m sure it doesn’t really think that – Bafta does lots of fantastic events with screenwriters, for example – but it really does need to address this issue.

Sure, in the great scheme of things, it’s hardly genocide. But writers get devalued and ignored enough, without getting left out of the one event where they should be celebrated. British TV features some of the finest writing in the world. It’s about time Bafta recognised that, in public.

➤ James Moran’s credits include Spooks, Torchwood, Doctor Who and Primeval and the horror film Severance. He blogs advice for writers at jamesmoran.blogspot.com

Free writing seminar blog post in a box

2011-11-02T18:32:00.000Z

Thinking of going to an expensive writing seminar?? Stop! And read this instead!

You're probably aware of my feelings about how-to-write books and seminars. Short version: not a big fan. If you're just starting out and want a general overview, any one of the (cheaper) books is fine, they all pretty much say the same thing. As for seminars, there are some that can be useful, but I'd strongly advise against the ones that charge new writers several hundred pounds for a bunch of platitudes and common sense principles. Especially the ones delivered by people who aren't working writers - if you're going to pay someone for writing advice, at least make sure they've written stuff that got made. I don't like seeing people get ripped off.

Some of the bigger, so-called "script gurus" go on tour with their seminars, charging large amounts for stuff you can find out online for nothing. One of them is in the UK now, charging over £500 (not including VAT!) for a 3 day seminar. Whether you feel you get something out of it or not, that's a lot of money to hand over. But many actual, working writers happily answer questions and share their knowledge on their own websites, for free. They could probably make a lot of money selling their advice, but they know how hard it is when you're starting out, and want to help.

And that's where this blog post comes in. It's a free seminar! A seminar in a box! Except it's not a box. Or really a seminar. It's mostly links from my past blog entries, because I know them, with links to other essential sites and articles. But it's free! It's not a 3 day seminar, but you can read it over 3 days if you like. And it won't cost you several hundred quid. If you find it useful, and think it was worth something, why not send a few quid to your favourite charity?? I'd much rather places like Cancer Research, Lifeblood, Children in Need or the Red Cross got the money instead of some rich "guru" who likes taking cash from people who earn a lot less. Update: Childline could really do with some help right now, Adrian Mead's book below gives the profits to them, and/or you can donate to them directly here: http://www.nspcc.org.uk/donate/donate_hub_wdh71776.html

So, welcome! Sit down. No, you two can't sit together, you'll just chat - you sit there, and you go over there. Quiet at the back. If you see me drinking from a bottle inside a paper bag, that's just water, I swear. Let's start!

Starting and breaking in

My big writing FAQ, featuring how to get started, how to get better, getting an agent, feedback, and my writing routine:

http://jamesmoran.blogspot.com/2009/03/big-writing-faq.html

How I taught myself screenwriting:

http://jamesmoran.blogspot.com/2006/11/birth-of-scribo-bloke.html

Finding inspiration, trying to break in, and how Eminem helped me keep going:

http://jamesmoran.blogspot.com/2008/10/writing-song-meme.html

How I got an agent:

http://jamesmoran.blogspot.com/2003/06/how-it-all-started-getting-agent-and.html

General meetings for writers - what to do, even what to wear:

http://jamesmoran.blogspot.com/2011/07/general-meetings-for-writers.html

Phill Barron on common writer complaints:

http://phillbarron.wordpress.com/2010/06/25/its-not-fair/

Adrian Mead's book on the nuts and bolts of starting a writing career (profits to Childline):

http://www.meadkerr.com/making-it-as-a-screen-writer/

Writing the script, and the writing process

Kurt Vonnegut explains, very simply, the big secret of how to tell a story:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oP3c1h8v2ZQ

How I got the Torchwood job, my initial episode idea and how I developed it:

http://jamesmoran.blogspot.com/2008/03/torchwood-writing-process-part-1.html

Summary of every screenwriting "how-to" book, ever:

http://jamesmoran.blogspot.com/2010/11/summary-of-every-screenwriting-how-to.html

Introducing characters on the page:

http://jamesmoran.blogspot.com/2007/01/character-introductions.html

Naming minor characters in the first 10 pages:

http://jamesmoran.blogspot.com/2010/07/first-10-pages-minor-character-names.html

Writer's block - what is it?

http://jamesmoran.blogspot.com/2006/03/writers-block-reality.html

Writer's block - how to deal with it (also covers my writing process):

http://jamesmoran.blogspot.com/2010/08/writers-block-or-getting-stuck.html

Restructuring a script using notes and a skeletal outline to keep things clear:

http://jamesmoran.blogspot.com/2009/01/writing-bits-and-bobs.html

Things to avoid when writing horror movies:

http://jamesmoran.blogspot.com/2006/12/seven-deadly-sins-of-horror-300th-post.html

Backing up your work:

http://jamesmoran.blogspot.com/2010/07/my-backup-process.html

Jason Arnopp on the magic of Draft Zero:

http://jasonarnopp.blogspot.com/2011/08/magic-of-draft-zero.html

Chuck Wendig's 25 ways to plot, plan and prep your story:

http://terribleminds.com/ramble/2011/09/14/25-ways-to-plot-plan-and-prep-your-story/

Antony Johnston's fantastic article on his writing process:

http://www.antonyjohnston.com/articles/process.php

Bill Cunningham on structuring a 90-minute genre script:

http://d2dvd.blogspot.com/2007/01/putting-in-bones-to-support-your-script_9748.html

Paul Cornell's short story tips:

http://www.sfx.co.uk/2008/06/10/author_interview_paul_cornell/

Script frenzy - a fun way to motivate yourself and write a script in 30 days:

http://www.scriptfrenzy.org/

Getting your work out there, and working in the industry

Doing drafts and getting notes:

http://jamesmoran.blogspot.com/2006/08/drafts-changes-and-notes.html

Pitching (including several links to other writers and their pitching tips):

http://jamesmoran.blogspot.com/2007/08/pitching-for-fun-and-profit.html

Dealing with rejection:

http://jamesmoran.blogspot.com/2011/07/dealing-with-rejection.html

My 5th blogthday revelations - things I've learned along the way:

http://jamesmoran.blogspot.com/2008/06/my-5th-blogthday-revelations.html

My busiest ever two weeks, or "what happens when you take on too much work":

http://jamesmoran.blogspot.com/2008/04/two-weeks-in-life.html

The panic that sets in when you first get paid to write something:

http://jamesmoran.blogspot.com/2007/09/doing-it-for-money.html

Getting slightly well known, or "internet famous":

http://jamesmoran.blogspot.com/2007/09/dwtw-effect.html

Jason Arnopp on the myth of "luck":

http://jasonarnopp.blogspot.com/2011/10/your-script-is-not-lottery-ticket.html

Chuck Wendig's 25 questions to ask yourself as you write:

http://terribleminds.com/ramble/2011/10/18/25-questions-to-ask-as-you-write/

Danny Stack on getting your script read:

http://dannystack.blogspot.com/2009/11/getting-your-script-read.html

John Rogers on pitching:

http://kfmonkey.blogspot.com/2005/09/writing-pitch_05.html

Guest speakers

BAFTA Guru is a new site full of interviews with writers, directors, actors and crew who make TV, movies and games. It's a goldmine of expertise and information:

http://guru.bafta.org/

Screenwriting.io is a new site from John August, answering screenwriting questions - how to format a script/montage sequence/slugline etc:

http://screenwriting.io/

Joss Whedon's top 10 writing tips:

http://dannystack.blogspot.com/2009/01/joss-whedons-top-10-writing-tips.html

Danny Stack's screenwriting articles, and PDF files on how to be a professional writer (read ALL of these):

http://dannystack.blogspot.com/p/best-of-blog.html

http://dannystack.blogspot.com/p/free-scriptwriting-downloads.html

John August's blog, full of writing advice:

http://johnaugust.com/

Collection of story writing tips from many more authors, on the SFX site:

http://www.sfx.co.uk/2008/06/26/writing_tips_updated/

William C. Martell's free script tip per day, and excellent Blue Books of writing tips (the Blue Books aren't free, but are well worth it):
http://www.scriptsecrets.net/
http://www.scriptsecrets.net/products/bluebook.htm

And there we have it. Plenty of stuff to get through, and take you through plotting, writing, re-writing, breaking in, and working as a writer. Every other website mentioned has got plenty more stuff to read, so have a look through the archives and find out even more. Check out the links on their sites too, there are many, many more professional writers out there, giving free advice. So save yourself some money...

Screenwriting questions and answers

2011-11-01T00:28:00.001Z

John August, who already has a fantastically helpful and interesting blog, has launched a new site answering basic screenwriting questions - what is the proper script format, how do you show a montage sequence, what's a slugline, etc etc. It has tons and tons of stuff, all incredibly helpful and free.

You can even submit questions if there's something they haven't answered yet. If you write scripts, or want to write scripts, or even if you've been writing scripts for ages and think you know it all, go check it out!

Severance on BBC3 tonight at 10pm, and Sunday 30th 00:35

2011-10-26T12:41:00.000Z

Subject line says it all, really. But I'll ramble on anyway. Yes! Severance is on telly again tonight in the UK, on BBC3 at 10pm. You should already be watching BBC3 at that time because you'll have just finished the finale of the brilliant The Fades, at 9pm. So stick around on the channel and check out my first movie, made back when I was young and beautiful, as opposed to slightly-less-young but still beautiful.

It's repeated again Saturday night/Sunday morning at 00:35, same Bat-channel, and will be on iPlayer for a bit after that. So you really have no excuses if you want to see it, it's been on telly loads now, for free. Record it, watch it, iPlayer it, do what you have to do. If you want to, of course. And are in the UK. And alive. And not dead. And have a head.

If you're outside the UK, it's still very cheap on DVD, and I think the USA has it streaming free on Netflix or XBox Live or SpaceMagicSuperMovieFunWeb or whatever legal service is offering it at the moment. Watch it legally, kids! Support low budget UK movies and we'll get to make more of them for you! If you watch it illegally... well, nothing will happen to you, I'm not interested in criminalising someone who wants to see something of mine, but it will hurt me and people like me. Is that what you want?? Note: if it is, please don't do it anyway. I've got a cold, be nice.

Update! Severance is now available on iPlayer, until Sunday 6th November. No excuses!

The Fades

2011-10-06T22:27:00.000Z

If you're not watching The Fades, currently showing on BBC3 here in the UK, you are *really* missing out. It's written by Jack Thorne, and it's fucking fantastic. You want more great genre TV, made with love, passion and intelligence? Well go and support it when it happens. Episodes 1 to 4 are on iPlayer for the rest of this month, go and catch up now before episode 5 airs next week (updated to include episode 4):

Episode 1
Episode 2
Episode 3
Episode 4

Please support a proper UK genre show, go and give it some love. Show the channels that there's a huge audience for this kind of thing, and hopefully we'll get more of it.

World's Collider and GameCityNights

2011-10-03T23:14:00.000Z

Some news! Some actual news! Behold:

I'm writing a short story for a new anthology called World's Collider. It's a really cool shared world anthology, and I'm in very impressive company. The editor is the brilliant Richard Salter, who gave me my first print short story commission ages ago in Short Trips: Transmissions. Click here to go to the Facebook page for more details, and click here to see the table of contents with the story titles and authors. And when I say "I'm writing a short story", I obviously mean "I will be writing a short story, hopefully sometime before the deadline arrives, and before Mr Salter shoots me in the face with a Deadline Gun." I'm really pleased to be part of this, and can't wait to get started.

GameCityNights, the gaming event in Nottingham, has invited me back again, having clearly not learned its lesson from the last time I was there. I'll be there on Friday 28th October, for their Fear Friday event, talking a bit about Cockneys Vs Zombies (just a bit, no spoilers), and taking part in a panel discussion about horror. There are lots of other guests, including Charlie Higson, who will be reading from his new zombie novel, and politely listening to my drunken Ted and Ralph impressions later in the evening until he can escape. I recently did a playable newsletter for GameCityNights, which you can pick up for free in many of Nottingham's "bars, venues, cafes, shops, and other establishments". It's a Fighting Fantasy micro-adventure called "The Tentacled Horror", written by me and Ian Livingstone, so see if you can track down a copy.

In movie news, sonar-emitting mole-people are still working away in darkened rooms on Cockneys Vs Zombies and Tower Block, doing editing and soundy and effecty things. No news yet on release dates, but I will of course be shouting about them when I know.

Nothing else to report for now, or at least, nothing I can talk about. Still doing lots of in-development stuff, embryonic new shows, possible new movies, too early to mention yet.

Oh, and one other little thing: I was recently made Emperor of the Known and Unknown Universe, forever. So yeah, I've got that going for me now. Please don't bow, there's no need for that. Just nod and smile.

SFX Zombie Special and CvsZ

2011-09-27T13:57:00.001Z

The latest SFX magazine special is out now, and this one is all about zombies. It features a rather splendid set report from Cockneys Vs Zombies, by the intrepid Ian Berriman, who was one of our zombie extras. There are several photos, including one of all the zombies together - see if you can spot me and Jodie, all zombified and ferocious.

It's a brilliant magazine, well worth getting, even more so if you're dying to find out stuff about CvsZ. As always, there are some spoilers, but nothing that gives away the ending or anything. Go and grab yourself a copy now.

The playable newsletter

2011-09-27T12:51:00.000Z

Now that it's available, I can finally talk about it - I've written a Fighting Fantasy-style mini adventure with the fantastic Ian Livingstone. It's in the pages of the latest GameCityNights newsletter, so you can read the newsletter and then play it. You can get it by going to one of their events in Nottingham. The next one is this Thursday 29th September, all details here.

GameCityNights is a regular games event, and really good fun. I went to it last year for the Doctor Who Adventure Games, and they tried to murder me by FORCING me to drink lots of Doctor Who themed cocktails. They forced me by showing me the cocktail menu and saying "would you like some cocktails?" I was so terrified of this threatening behaviour, I drank as many cocktails as I could, before escaping. So just be careful if you do go along. You WILL have a great time.

I'm so thrilled to have done this, I always loved the Fighting Fantasy books. And after years of guilt, I was able to confess to Ian about my "five finger bookmark" method of hedging my bets when playing the books. But I'm sure I wasn't alone in that...

Halloween: H33 - online now

2011-09-02T14:14:00.002Z

The FrightFest short that I wrote and directed is now online! It's called "Hallow33n: H33", and is a fake trailer for a terrible sequel to Halloween. The idea is that it's 33 years later, Michael Myers is much older and grumpier (and chattier), and has been moved to England to try and calm him down. It's very silly, very gory, very sweary, and not at all suitable for children, or the elderly, or anyone in between. It's not rated, but would probably be about a 15 (or "R" for US folk) - there's a lot of naughty words and violence, but all for comic effect. Don't say I didn't warn you. Also, it's not region locked, so everyone in the world can watch, for free.

It was a huge amount of fun to make, and I learned a lot from directing. In a week or two, I'll start doing more blog posts about the process, maybe even taking you through it from beginning to end. Or I might just do one big post. Depends how I feel at the time. And as there are no comments allowed, I can pretend that you all just instantly agreed to whatever I decide! Ha! Take THAT, imaginary internet people!

I'm trying to get all the credits on IMDB, but it's being very slow, so I'll probably just post them all on here once I have them all double checked. In the meantime, that's the amazing Sarah Douglas as Dr Loomis, the superb music was specially composed for us by Sam Watts, and the fantastic gore effects were provided by Dan Martin at 13 Finger FX.

Hope you enjoy it, and if you want to ask questions about it, fire them at me through Twitter or my Facebook page. I'll answer as many as I can on here, in the next post.

Who and where I am

2011-09-02T00:40:00.000Z

Hello, new people! Welcome! I'm James Moran. I write stuff.

The things I'm probably best known for are Severance, the horror comedy starring Danny Dyer and Laura Harris, the Pompeii episode of Doctor Who (season 4, David Tennant, Catherine Tate, big volcano, kaboom), and episodes from seasons 2 and 3 of Torchwood. I've done lots of other TV too, and have just finished filming two new movies - the first one is Cockneys Vs Zombies, starring Michelle Ryan, Harry Treadaway, Rasmus Hardiker, Ashley Thomas, Alan Ford, Honor Blackman, and Richard Briers; the second one is Tower Block, starring Sheridan Smith, Jack O'Connell, Russell Tovey, Ralph Brown, Montserrat Lombard, Julie Graham, Nabil Elouahabi, Kane Robinson, and Michael Legge. Both movies will be out in 2012. My full list of credits is here.

This is my blog, which is self explanatory. You can also find me on Twitter, and my official Facebook page is here.

Comments are switched off on the blog, because they take too much time to moderate. I see everything on the Facebook page, and sometimes respond if I get a chance. If you want to get in touch, *please* read the FAQ first, and also the information on the Contact page. I'm more likely to respond on Twitter, because it's fun and easy and short.

Thank you for following, or liking, or subscribing, or clicking, or cyber-whatevering, etc! This means we are INTERNET MARRIED, and by even glancing at this page, you have accepted any evil terms and conditions that I may invent at any time. Thank you and good day.

FrightFest short

2011-08-22T14:30:00.004Z

Okay, the info is starting to leak out, so I may as well come clean. People following me on Twitter will have probably guessed this, but... I've written and directed a short film. It's part of a series of 5 that will be shown at this year's FrightFest in London, as a tribute to the movies of John Carpenter.

UPDATE! It'll be shown before Fright Night 3D on Saturday 27th! Come see it! ~~It'll be shown before one of the main evening movies, not sure which one yet, I'll update this as soon as I know~~. You can see the relevant info here, on pages 13 and 15 of the FrightFest brochure. My one is based on Halloween, it's a fake trailer and stars the amazing Sarah Douglas, who has been in many things (Superman 2, Conan the Destroyer, V The Final Battle, Stargate SG-1, etc etc), including my Doctor Who computer game "TARDIS" - she had hardly any lines in that, so I've made up for it by giving her lots in this one. Although it's *terrible* dialogue (deliberately), so hopefully one day I can give her lots of decent lines instead... That's all I'll say for now, the fun of it is in the surprises.

At the moment, we're all trying to get it finished in time - we shot it on the 14th and 15th of August, giving us a terrifyingly short 10 day post production schedule. It's edited, the sound is almost done, and I'm checking the grading tonight, so we're nearly there. Would have shot it earlier, but various things delayed us (long, boring story so I'll pretend we were all attacked by aliens), the main one being a sudden attack by aliens, which totally happened and isn't made up at all.

Once it has screened at FrightFest, it'll be going online fairly soon after - I'll let you know where and when. I have a whole load of blog posts lined up to talk about the planning and making of it, so once you've all seen it, I can start talking about how it was all done. I think I'll be able to put the script online too, as we're not selling this due to it technically being a parody. I have the script, rough storyboards, photos, and all sorts. I learned a lot from directing again, it's been a while since Girl Number 9, and I hope I've improved since then.

The main thing I've learned from directing is being ruthless with my own stuff. When you're the writer, and a director is trimming bits out, you think "oh no, they're taking stuff out of my script". When you're the director, and you're the one trimming it out, you think "oh good, I can lose these bits that are ruining my film". It's a great mindset to have, and helps you decide what's best for the finished product. You're also responsible for every tiny detail, and if you don't tell people what you want, you won't get it, as they're not psychic.

Here's a sneak peek from the storyboard, of a lady screaming in terror:

I drew it myself. And I've never had *any* art training! I've just always been able to draw like that! Those are her arms, by the way, as she puts her hands to her face in shock, not boobs.

But that's all to come later. In the meantime, I've got a short film to finish...

Cockneys Vs Zombies article and photo

2011-08-19T13:44:00.001Z

Cockneys Vs Zombies is International Project of the Week at Screen Daily! The article is quite spoilery, you have been warned, so be aware before you click. However, there's a nice photo at the top that you can look at, if you want to avoid the text.

I have no more news on it right now, the edit is almost finished, but no idea of an actual release date or anything like that. All depends how it takes to finish the rest of it. But if you look at the photo again, squint, and jiggle your computer screen around, it *might* feel like you're watching a bit of the actual movie.

Tower Block article and photo

2011-08-11T13:24:00.000Z

The Evening Standard have done a really nice writeup about Tower Block, with an actual photo from the filming - the text is *slightly* spoilery, so read with caution. Or just read the first 3 paragraphs, and stop before the one beginning with "Smith", that's where the mild spoilers are. But they're only spoilers from the first 25 minutes or so. The photo is of Sheridan Smith and Russell Tovey, in character - click underneath the main photo to see it. Now you've been fully warned, click here to see the article.

And yes, I was there that first day, and saw it happen. And in fairness to Sheridan, who says in the article she's not sure how brave she'd be - she got patched up, and came straight back to carry on filming! I'd have probably run off home and needed a week off. She's been fantastic.

Filming finishes soon, and then it's off to the edit. Can't wait for you all to see this one.

Brief updates

2011-08-09T18:26:00.001Z

Well look at you, sitting there, reading this! Please, put some pants on, it's not right, this is a family blog.

So, yeah. Blogging is slow(er than usual) at the moment, it's an insanely busy month as several things have sprung into action at the same time. Good things, thankfully, just means I have less time to compose blog posts that start as small snippets then balloon into huge epic rambles.

Tower Block is in its final week of shooting, it's looking fantastic, the gang have pulled off some amazing stuff. CvsZ is almost out of the edit stage, and will then most on to sound, effects, music, etc etc. I should have more movie news next month, hopefully.

I'm also working on some potential TV things - well, to be clear, I'm always working on potential TV things, and usually have several TV and movie things on the go at any one time. But development is slow, and it can take a long time before anything happens. Right now, some of those TV things have moved to the next stage, which is partly why I've got a lot of work to do. Long way to go yet, but very promising.

And I'm very excited to be part of a new zombie comic anthology, Dead Roots. Contributors are listed here, including Lord Arnopp, Andrew Ellard, and the mighty Gordon Rennie. Can't wait to see how it looks.

Finally, Richard Salter, the editor of Short Trips: Transmissions, who was the first to publish one of my short stories, has a new anthology in the works. Go here and find out about it - because submissions are open to all! Yes, you heard me. Go and check it out.

That's all for now, just wanted to do a quick update. You may remove your pants again if you wish.

Dealing with rejection

2011-07-22T23:21:00.001Z

People often ask me how to deal with rejection, and I'm never quite sure how to respond. I don't have some magic formula to minimise the pain. It still bothers me, it still hurts. I don't think you ever really become immune. But there are things you can do that might take your mind off it.

First, and most obvious, is to get drunk. Properly, seriously drunk, the kind of drunk that destroys families and starts wars. It'll work perfectly until you sober up, but then things will be even worse - your work will still be rejected, but now you'll also be hungover, broke, hated by your family, and possibly facing a war crimes tribunal. Nobody wants that. So by all means, drown your sorrows for a night, but don't expect it to help in the long term.

Second, and just as obvious, is to write a big blog post ranting about the stupidity of the people who rejected you.

Do NOT do this. Trust me.

It's embarrassing and awkward for everyone, and the people you're ranting about will probably find it and never speak to you again. Also, it's very unprofessional. If you're so good, why are you wasting time ranting on a blog when you could be writing works of genius and selling them? Nobody wants to read a load of bitter ranting about how everyone else sucks, it's just boring and pointless. And nobody wants to *hire* someone who constantly whinges, either. Making movies and TV shows takes a lot of hard work, the last thing they need is a miserable bastard dragging the mood down.

Third, and almost as obvious, is to contact the people who rejected you, and demand to know why.

Again, don't do this.

*Maybe* a polite follow up requesting feedback is appropriate, if they seem approachable, but usually not. Just back out gracefully. They're not going to change their mind if you shout at them, and if you do, they'll probably put you on a special list of Mad People To Avoid Like The Plague.

So what can you do? Well, not a lot. Did they give you feedback? If so, listen to it. Maybe they're right, maybe they're wrong. But listen anyway. If several people say the same thing, maybe it's an area to address in a rewrite. Lots of rejections could help you become a better writer, if you're getting insights into where you can improve. If so, then you'll end up with a better script - hey, they're not rejections at all, they're free notes! High five!

Rejection feels very personal, even though it never is. You put your heart and soul into creating something, so when people reject it, you feel like they're rejecting a part of you. I could tell you not to take it personally, but we both know I'd be wasting my time. And it never goes away, no matter how much stuff you get made, it always feels like a kick in the teeth. Sorry about that. But it's normal. Writers, by our very nature, are insecure creatures, desperate to be loved and/or to take revenge on anyone who ever crossed us. Hey, at least you're not an actor, they get it even worse - nobody will ever say "hmm, I like the script, but his nose is too big and we're looking for writers with darker hair." They'll only ever be cruel about your work, not your appearance.

The best thing you can do is have a lot of projects on the go. If you're working on five things at once, then it won't hurt as much when one comes back - you're busy anyway on all this other cool stuff, so you can just send it somewhere else and keep working. The other things haven't been rejected yet, that means you're ahead of the game. But if you want to break in, you'll have to start piling up rejections to get to the prize.

It's a bit like asking people out. If you don't ask anyone out, nobody will ever turn you down. But you might have to ask ten people out to get to the one that says "yes". Does that mean you're ugly/stupid/smelly? No. Those people could be attached, or busy, or not in the mood, or not into your type, or have just broken up with someone, or whatever. But if you want someone to go out with you, you have to try several people first. If you get turned down, that's cool, move on, try someone else.

You can't think of a rejection as the end of a script, either. So it got rejected at one company, so what? Nobody likes everything, just look at the IMDB message boards for proof of that. Some people hate The Godfather, Citizen Kane, Star Wars, Alien - and they don't just hate them, they *despise* them, the very existence of those movies makes them shake with fury. Such anger! Such bile! Does it mean those movies are shitty, and terribly written? No, of course not. Not everything is for everybody, it's all subjective. If one person hates your script, maybe someone else will think it's the best thing they've ever read in their life. I'm not saying a rejection means you've just written something as good as The Godfather, but it doesn't automatically mean it's bad.

Or maybe your script just isn't ready yet, maybe it needs another rewrite, or some freshening up. Obviously, yes, it *might* be shit, but you can't automatically assume that. Send it somewhere else. And keep going. And write lots of other stuff. Don't pin all your hopes on one thing. The path to success is paved with a lot of rejections. A lot. Collect them. And if you ever manage to break in, make sure you regularly look at all your old rejections and laugh at them. I do.

Before I sold Severance, probably around draft 10 (of about 20), an opening came up on the Basil Brush show. I needed work, and was willing to try everything, so I sent in my sample script and outline, but got rejected. There was no feedback, but when I think back, maybe doing an extended spoof of Casablanca wasn't the best idea for a kids' show about a talking fox. Lesson learned there: you're not too clever for the show, *any* show, and don't ever think that you are.

When I finally finished writing Severance and the script was sent out for sale, to several production companies, one of them left a copy on a bus. On a bus! Someone found it and called the agency number on the front to tell us. And whoever lost it never contacted us to request a replacement, they must have hated it that much. One company told us they wouldn't even read it, unless it was by a "big name". That is some serious rejection right there - they rejected my *name*. And I'm not even including the standard rejections - of which there were many - from the people who read it and then turned it down.

But Uncle Jimbo, you shriek, surely someone like you who has had stuff made doesn't get rejected anymore? You've had a film made, and done telly, and stuff! Surely now you can simply write anything, and angels will descend to take your words directly to the screen? Once you're "in", isn't it all magic and fancy biscuits and fellatio??

Nope. Sorry. In fact - and here's the terrible truth - you get MORE rejections, because you have more opportunities to pitch for things!

Yep. When you get your career going, jobs and companies that you wouldn't previously be considered for are suddenly open to you. You need to have a lot of meetings, pitching your "take" on their projects, or trying to sell your own projects, and most of the time you won't get the job. There's a lot of competition out there.

And you have to do lots of work to earn each of those rejections, too. When you're pitching your take on an idea of theirs, you'll have to read their material first. Could be 2 pages, could be a full outline or script. Obviously you need to have something to discuss, so you prepare a lot of notes, what you liked, what you didn't like, and come up with at least three solid ideas for episodes or sequences. You work out what to say, then go in and pitch your arse off. If it goes well, they will probably ask you to "put something down on paper, just a page or so". You do this, usually giving them more than they asked for, because you want to get the job, sometimes two or three pages. If that goes well, you might get a call or email to talk it through, maybe do another version of the "just a page or so", then if THAT goes well, they say they'll show it to their bosses or financiers or whoever, and will let you know the decision as soon as possible, either that day or the day after.

9 times out of 10, you will never hear from them again.

Either you didn't convince them, or weren't good enough, or didn't have the right "take", or their bosses/financiers weren't keen, or you weren't "big" enough, or they decided to do something else, or it got shelved, or fell apart, or the finance vanished, or the company went bust, or the producer exploded, etc etc. And you will probably never know. It's a sort of slow rejection - as the weeks and months go by, you gradually realise that it's not going to happen.

Happens to me all the time. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy to do the work to get the job, it's great experience, and they need to know what I plan to do, I know that they can't just hand over lots of cash without any kind of assurance that I can do the job. And I know I can't get every single job I go for. But when they don't even bother to let me know I didn't get it, it's infuriating. Most of the time, my agent has to pester them to get a response once they've gone quiet. It's not only a rejection, it's one that you have to *ask* for!

I understand it, of course. Nobody likes giving bad news, and they don't *need* to let you know because you can't do anything for them now, they gain nothing from it and are horribly busy on a million other projects that are actually happening. But it's very frustrating. Side note, to people who do this: If I've invested several days of work into trying to get the job, but haven't got it, do me the courtesy of taking 60 seconds to let me know. I'm a grown up, I can handle a no, I'm not going to burst into tears and leave you long, drunken voicemails. As my Girl Number 9 co-conspirator Dan Turner often says, the best response after a "yes" is a fast "no". At least a fast "no" lets me get on with other stuff. End of side note.

You can get rejected at any stage, too, even after spending several years working on a commissioned script. At any moment, they could just say "no thanks, don't like it", and that's the end. If it's their project, then you just have to walk away and start something new. If it's yours, at least you can try and set it up somewhere else, but then you begin a whole new cycle of possible rejections.

Sometimes you get pre-rejected. When I met one company for a writing job, they opened by saying "we're very much a director-led company." Wow, thanks - I haven't even said anything yet, and you've already let me know that essentially, I and my whole profession don't really matter to you! Again, I did a big pitch, sent them a typed up version, never heard back, not even a cursory no. Maybe if I'd been a director, they'd have taken the time to send me a one sentence email. Still haven't heard back, 4 years later. Hey, maybe I got the job! Should I start writing the script??

And the rejection doesn't necessarily stop for a script, even after it gets made. You'll get bad reviews, negative comments, people emailing you to tell you how bad your work is (I had one from a guy who listed his qualifications to "prove" that his opinion carried more weight than regular TV viewers), and how you should never work again. I've seen reviews picking up on my racist, right wing agenda, and others about my leftie, liberal handwringing - all referring to the same episode! If you try to explain that you can't possibly intend every single interpretation, you'll just be told that it doesn't matter what you intended, it only matters what *they* decide it meant. Don't get into that argument, because you can't win.

I even had a meeting about a project where the guy suddenly turned to me, told me he didn't like the script for Severance, and rejected it when it originally went out - and that when he saw the finished movie, he was *doubly* glad he'd rejected it. Double rejection! Thing is, most people in the business are aware that Severance did well, so he was essentially saying "I hated your movie so much, I'm glad I didn't make any money from it." I still don't know why he felt the need to tell me that, while meeting for a totally different project - which he also turned down. Triple rejection combo bonus!

See above, where I said not to rant on your blog about someone who rejected you? Yeah, that's why. Do as I say, not as I do. I'm not looking for sympathy, I love my job, I get paid to make up stories and mostly have a fantastic time doing it. These things are nothing compared to the troubles some people face. This is merely to illustrate that whatever the rejection, it could always be worse - and probably will be, one day. But the high points so, SO make up for it.

I realise none of this is really helpful, but I just wanted to show that rejection doesn't stop when you "break in", whatever that means. You are going to get rejected, many, many times, even after you start working professionally. But they can't hurt you, they won't kill your career, they're just part of the process, an essential part of being a writer. Yes, there's a reason I'm posting this now that I've got several movies and other things happening. Yes, it still hurts. But having lots of stuff in the pipeline soothes the pain. So, make sure you have plenty of projects on the go, don't give up just because of what one person says, and collect rejections like badges of honour. Each one is a vital step towards the next success. Wear them with pride.

And try not to take them personally. Even though we all do.

Things they don't tell you in the screenwriting books, number 812:

2011-07-14T10:39:00.000Z

What to wear at script read-throughs.

You don't want to look like you're keeping an eye on people, so don't dress too smart. But then you also don't want to look like a tramp, so don't dress too casual.

It's usually your first time meeting the actors, and you want to make a good first impression, but everyone else will be there too, and they *know* how you normally dress, so anything too different and you'll get comments. You don't want comments. Comments make you stand out and people will Look At You.

I usually pick the most presentable version of what I normally wear, which is jeans and a t-shirt, with a shirt on top that can be removed if it's too warm in the room. And then I change it 3 times, at the last minute.

Hey, we're writers, we obsess over pointless, tiny details. This is just one of many, many things we worry about that we don't really need to.

Tower Block announced

2011-07-12T12:57:00.001Z

The secret is out: I've written another movie. Well, I've written several, but this one is getting made next week. It's called Tower Block, it's a dark, gritty action thriller about a sniper attacking the residents of a tower block (hence the name), and it starts filming this Monday, 18th July.

Okay, it wasn't *really* a secret, we just didn't want to announce it before we had everything in place. Also, I get paranoid that I'll jinx things by mentioning them too early, so I've kept quiet about it until now. Don't get me wrong, I'm not superstitious - it's just that if I don't follow my own irrational routines, then the WORLD WILL END.

Tower Block stars Sheridan Smith, Jack O'Connell, Russell Tovey, and Ralph Brown, and is being co-directed by Ronnie Thompson and James Nunn. There are more cast to announce, but I'll wait until the publicity people reveal them. I'm so excited that it's getting made, with such a fantastic cast and an amazing directing duo, and I'm dying to see what madness and mayhem they achieve on screen. I can't wait to sit at the back of the cinema and watch the audiences when it's out, too - this one's going to be a nail biter, it's relentless.

You can see more details at various sites which are picking up on the news, starting with the sterling folk at Den of Geek, who have more plot details. It's also featured on Screen Daily, who for some strange reason *don't* have a photo of me. Stick with Den of Geek, they know what the public want - pics of me. I'll update more when I can. In the meantime, I look forward to scaring your socks off when it comes out...

General meetings for writers

2011-07-05T17:30:00.000Z

When you start out as a writer, after you get an agent, you'll get sent on lots of general meetings. I regularly get emails from people about to go on their first meeting, and they have no idea what to expect.

The meetings I'm talking about are the general "meet and greet" type - they've probably read your scripts and want to get to know you. They like to put a face to a name, so that at some point in the future, they might be able to match you up to a project, or decide whether or not to buy your latest script.

But, I hear you shriek, doesn't my writing speak for itself? Who cares what I'm like in person?? I'm a writer, not an actor! Well, it makes a bigger difference than you might think. Basically, they want to see if you are (a) mad, or (b) an idiot, or (c) an obnoxious wanker. If they hire you to write something, they'll have to spend several months in a room with you, working, collaborating. They need to know if those months will be creative and fun, or a complete nightmare. At the same time, you want to find out what they're like, if you share similar tastes. It's a bit like a job interview, except there isn't an actual job yet. But then one day, *years* later, you might get called back. And they'll always go by that first impression. They want to know that you're a professional, that they can hire you and be sure you'll get the job done.

Always over-prepare. When you're just starting out, most of your meetings will just involve getting to know people. But sometimes they'll be considering you to write their new project, based on their one page pitch. Even if they've been *very* clear that they'll be explaining the concept, and all you have to do is sit there and nod, you must still over-prepare. Because you'll walk in, ready to hear them pitch it to you, and they'll say "So, what do you make of it? Where do you see it going? How would you approach it?" And you'll look like an idiot. Sure, they should have told you that's what the meeting was. But you should have over-prepared. Read it several times, make lots of notes. If it's a TV show, think about what would you do with it, how you see the overall series, the finale, and three good, solid episode ideas. If it's a movie, work out what sort of feel you want it to have, how it starts, the rough storyline, and at least three big scenes. That way you will always have more material than they'll ask for - you'll feel confident, prepared, and there's nothing they can ask that you won't have an answer for. And look at it from their point of view - they only have an idea, but now a confident, keen writer has just walked in, overflowing with ideas, knows the material inside out, and will be able to generate a series/movie out of their one page concept. But unless you're told otherwise, you're just there to make friends and get to know each other. Double and triple check first, though. Just in case.

Research the company or person before you go there. They won't test you, but it helps to know something about them. They may say "do you have anything you'd like to ask us?" - I never do, my mind always goes blank, but it never hurts to have an intelligent question or two. And research your journey, too. Work out the minimum travel time, then add 30 minutes. Then add another 30 minutes. You can never be too early. Except the time I was a week early for my first Severance meeting. True story. I got the date wrong, because I'm an idiot. You MUST NEVER be late. EVER. Production companies like to live inside buildings with no bloody name or number on the front, so you'll still have to allow 10 minutes to find the place once you're at the actual address. If you get there *way* too early, wait around the corner, go to a cafe. You CANNOT be late. I can't stress this enough. Of course, they will probably be late themselves. Doesn't matter. Don't give them any shit about it, just smile and say "that's okay!" if/when they apologise for being late.

Wear casual clothes, but not too casual, i.e. jeans are fine, but no big shorts or flipflops. Don't wear a suit. That'd be weird. Dress as if you're going to a friend's barbecue, and their parents are going to be there.

On my way to a meeting, if I'm feeling a bit nervous or wobbly, I have a quick blast of some music on my headphones. Something fast, heavy, and uplifting, just to help get me going and give me a boost of energy. If the meeting is about a specific project, I'll put on music that matches it to get me in the right mood - if it's one of my projects, I'll use the custom playlist I made before I started writing (I always do this, sometimes I'll spend days on it).

When you arrive - and I really shouldn't have to say this, he said, looking sternly over the top of his glasses - BE NICE AND POLITE TO EVERYONE. Mainly because there are enough douchebags in the world without you adding to their number. But also, partly because that "unimportant" assistant you just curtly dismissed?? Might be the boss in 6 months. Yeah. And they remember the douchebags.

You'll be offered a drink (downside of several meetings in one day: a very, very full bladder). Have a still water. Tea/coffee might be too hot to drink at first, and there won't be much of it. Fizzy drinks can make your throat sticky, and give you hiccups or burps. With still water, you can keep sipping if your mouth/throat go dry. This sounds like a silly thing to make a point about. But you want to be confident and relaxed in the meeting, and not worrying about your mouth sticking closed or doing a big Coke burp. You'll be asked to take a seat until someone comes to get you. Calm down. Read a magazine, clear your mind.

So what happens in the meeting itself? The first minute or so will be full of general banter like "have you travelled far" and "did you find us okay" or "blimey, how about that weather, eh?" Then it'll settle down into the actual meeting. They'll probably ask you about yourself, how you got into writing, how you got started, how you got your agent if you have one, what kind of things you like to write, what kind of things you like to watch, and so on. They'll talk about your script, praise it a bit (hopefully), then tell you a bit about themselves, projects they might have, things that you might be suited for - if one of their projects sounds good, tell them, and maybe they'll offer to send it over, to see if you like it.

They'll usually ask if you've got any other stuff they might be interested in. *DO NOT* pitch something there and then, unless you've specifically gone in to pitch for something and have rehearsed it beforehand - even if they mention their giant robot project, and you've got the *perfect* giant robot idea or script at home, don't pitch it. You won't be ready, you'll forget something, stumble over it, and look like a mumbling idiot. Mention that you have something along those lines, and can come back to pitch it or (preferably) send them the outline/script. Then go home and work it out properly. There are always exceptions, of course - one time I had an instant idea based on something they wanted, and just went for it. They loved the idea, and asked for the outline (they later passed on it, but still, it was a good experience). But this was after several years of similar meetings, so I was used to the whole thing. Don't risk it!

You probably won't get any offers in that first meeting, so don't expect anything. Just be yourself, be enthusiastic, but professional. You don't have to be a sycophant or a performing seal, there's no trick to it, no catch, just try to come across like a nice person (which, hopefully, you already are). They want to like you! They're normal people too, just trying to meet new writers to make sure they don't miss out on the next big thing.

*DO NOT* slag off any movies or TV shows, because they'll have probably worked on them, or know someone who did (I speak from experience) - if they specifically ask, you can say what you thought didn't work about something, as long as you mention what you liked about it first. You don't want to sound like a bitter, negative downer. Similarly, don't say things like "I don't really watch TV" or "I'm not really into recent movies" - you should be keeping up with what's out there, and if you really don't like any TV shows or movies, how will you know that your idea hasn't already been done a million times?

Sometimes the person you meet will be an idiot, or a douchebag, or just plain wrong about everything. Pretend they're your partner's mum or dad. Smile politely, don't rise to their douchbaggery, be the better person. Later, you might learn that they're actually really nice, but just seem weird in meetings, or their cat just died, or they're not good with people. They're probably just a douchebag, but you don't know that. Remember, you're a professional.

Towards the end, they'll ask you to think of them next time you've got a brilliant script to send out, and you will graciously agree and say they'll be one of the first to read it. And then there comes the point when it's time to leave. You'll know it. Usually they'll say something like "okay, then" or "well, thanks for coming in" or "okay, well it was great to meet you". Don't start up a new line of conversation! When the meeting feels over and they've given you an "out", thank them for seeing you, finish up the banter, shake their hands, say goodbye, then leave gracefully - even if you've forgotten to mention something. You can always follow up in an email. Speaking of which, you don't have to email to thank them, unless you're supposed to send them an outline/script or something, in which case, you can thank them for the meeting while sending it. If they send *you* a thank you email, reply to it (and say thank you, obviously).

Once you get home, think back over the meeting. If you promised to send them something, do it now. If you did something stupid or embarrassing, and the very thought of it makes you cringe, don't beat yourself up. Remember, they want to like you, and will understand if you're a bit awkward when starting out. Work out what you did wrong, figure out how to do it better, and don't do it next time. Learn from it. Then forgive yourself, and move on.

Don't get your hopes up that something will come of it, you're just laying the foundations for later. Even if they said you're *perfect* for their current project and will *definitely* send you the details and want to get started *immediately* - it means nothing, and you might never hear from them again. Happens all the time. Maybe it fell apart, the financing fell through, they got fired, their boss got fired, the company got bought out, they started a brand new project that occupies all of their time, someone better than you got hired, their heads exploded, etc etc. If so, their priority is their current workload, not you. Harsh, but true. Nobody owes you a job, and everyone looks out for themselves. Leave it a month, then get your agent to follow up, or send a polite email yourself asking how they are and if they're still interested in Project X. It's always worth checking, just in case - you're cheap, and eager, and they'll be very aware of that.

That's it. The next meeting you have, you'll be much more prepared, and will do it better. And so on. And so on. Just like writing and re-writing, the more you do it, the better you get.

All episodes of Girl Number 9 on FEARnet now

2011-06-17T18:12:00.006Z

The final two episodes of Girl Number 9 just went live at FEARnet.com, so the entire series is online now for you lovely Americans - and Canadians! Yes, it works in Canada too, I'm reliably informed. *Don't* read the very spoilery text next to the episodes, as I think it gives too much away, just jump in to episode 1 and start watching. There are 6 episodes, spread over 2 pages on the show site.

I keep meaning to do a big post about making the show, as lots of people ask about how we did it. I learned a lot, about writing, directing, producing, and promoting, so it'll be good to have it all in one place. As always though, work and real life come first, so it may be a while before it appears here… In the meantime, American folk can watch the show online for the rest of the summer, then it'll go onto FEARnet's VOD service. I'll let you know if/when other regions air the show, we've done several deals around the world so watch this space.

If you liked the show, please pass it on to your friends, enemies, anyone at all, and I will be eternally grateful. And when I say "eternally", I literally mean it. My gratitude will live on, forever, even after the heat-death of the universe, my gratitude will still be there, floating around, silently thanking you for forwarding the link. Such is the depth of my love and respect for you, lovely Link Forwarding People. Seriously, thank you to everyone who has helped spread the word. See?? It's already started! The gratitude love train is on the move! All aboard! Choo choo!

Update: I've noticed that the show has been uploaded to several file sharing sites. *Please* don't do this, or download it - we made the show independently and paid for it ourselves, so if you illegally download it you are *directly* hurting us, not some faceless corporation. It'll damage upcoming distribution deals, and maybe even prevent it being shown in some countries. Sure, you'll still have it, because you downloaded it, but you'll make sure that other people can't see it, and prevent us from making anything like it again. It's free to watch online, so please do this where it'll count. Thank you.

Girl Number 9 in America now

2011-06-14T21:44:00.000Z

Girl Number 9 is now playing in The America! And The Canada, I think, and other places that get USA-based content. It's just started on the FEARnet website now, and continues all week. This link will take you to the first two episodes - but DO NOT READ THE TEXT ON THE PAGE! It gives away FAR too much! If you want to keep everything a surprise, then just watch the videos.

The dates and times are as follows (from the site): FEARnet will air the first two episodes on Tuesday, June 14th, and then release one episode per day on Wednesday and Thursday, with the two concluding suspense-filled episodes airing Friday, June 17th. After the initial airing on FEARnet.com, Girl Number 9 will be available at a later date on the FEARnet On-Demand network and FEARnet's emerging cable channel.

It'll stay up all summer, then go onto their VOD service, so you'll have plenty of time to watch. No excuses. Or Vincent Boylan will come to get you. You silly sausage. Go! Watch! Tell your friends! Tell your enemies! Tell everyone!

Girl Number 9 in America June 14th

2011-06-12T00:40:00.001Z

Americans! America-adjacent folk! Canadians! People who can access American-region-locked-web-stuff! Girl Number 9 is coming your way, next week!

Yes, I know lots of you have had to wait a while for this, but Vincent Boylan will finally unleash his madness upon you next week, only on FEARnet. I haven't linked to the article mentioning it, because it's *very* spoilery - so if you'd rather not know one of the big twists, don't go and read the article! You have been warned! I'll link to the page when it goes live, though.

The dates and times are as follows (from the site): FEARnet will air the first two episodes on Tuesday, June 14th, and then release one episode per day on Wednesday and Thursday, with the two concluding suspense-filled episodes airing Friday, June 17th. After the initial airing on FEARnet.com, Girl Number 9 will be available at a later date on the FEARnet On-Demand network and FEARnet's emerging cable channel.

I'm really excited that it's going to be hitting America in a big way, and gaining an even bigger audience. Airing it on FEARnet will hopefully mean that a lot more people will get to see Matheson and Lyndon crossing swords with Boylan, and the carnage that ensues. I'm told the episodes will stay on FEARnet for the summer, and then will go onto their VOD. So pass it on! Tell your friends! And enjoy! Well, maybe "enjoy" isn't quite the right word for a dark, brutal thriller about a demented serial killer, but you know what I mean. Be thrilled! Be afraid! But most importantly, be on FEARnet next week!

You can read more snippets of info about Girl Number 9 (and lots of other stuff I've worked on) thanks to Stargate SG-1/SGA/SGU big cheese and lovely chap Joseph Mallozzi, who has very kindly given me a Q&A on his fantastic blog, linked here. He got in touch back during the online kerfuffle that happened here in July 2009, as he's had his own share of online kerfuffles, and wanted to let me know I was not alone (read his original post about our online meeting here). He's a very cool, funny gent, and I'm honoured to be featured on his blog. He's currently making a TV series based on the Transporter movies, which I'm dying to see, and has also been looking back at his years on SG-1 in a series of fascinating posts. So go and read the post about me, then read everything else. Don't go there if you're hungry though, there are a LOT of posts about food which will drive you insane if you have nothing to eat nearby.

I don't yet have any information about a UK release, or any other countries. When I know more, you'll be the ~~first~~ ~~second~~ ~~third~~ people *very* near the top of the list to know!

Liquid Lunch, Stormhouse, CBeebies

2011-06-10T15:46:00.000Z

Been a while since I've posted here before today, had lots of stuff to do, and travel, and the usual mayhem. So it's time to catch up on essential things, like what me old muckers Danny Stack, Jason Arnopp, and Dan Turner have been up to.

First up, because it's airing right now, is Danny Stack's new comedy web series, Liquid Lunch. The tale of two dreamers who get together in the pub to talk nonsense and make plans, Danny wrote and directed it, and it's on right now. Catch up on the episodes at the official website here, the Facebook page is here, and the Twitter feed is here. After you've seen it, go to Danny's brilliant blog to get all the behind the scenes info, script drafts for episode 1, and all sorts of secret shizzle. Or else. Here's a trailer for the series:

Now for those loveable scamps Jason Arnopp and Dan Turner, who have made an independent horror feature film. It's called Stormhouse, it's a proper brutal horror film, and it'll scare your very organs out of your body and send them shooting out the nearest window. What's it about? How's this for a pitch: "In 2002, eight months before the invasion of Iraq, the Military captured and imprisoned a supernatural entity at Stormhouse, a secret underground base. This film documents the final four days of that experiment." That's all I'm telling you, it's best to go in as fresh as possible. For screening and release details, go to the official site here, then go and give them some love on Facebook, and on Twitter, and check out their blogs for more - Dan's blog is here, and Jason's blog is here. It's screening at the Edinburgh International Film Festival on 23rd and 24th June, and if you fancy going, you can get tickets here. Now check out the brilliant teaser trailer:

There's a lot of talk about how it's impossible to get anything made these days, and sure, it's difficult, no question. But instead of using their energy complaining about it, Danny, Jason and Dan focused on making something themselves. Different ends of the scale, one involved an investor and full cast and crew, one involved borrowed cameras, borrowed pub, and a few people pulling together. But both required a lot of hustle, hard work, and enthusiasm, all things you can easily supply yourself, for free!

The rest of it doesn't have to cost much, or anything at all. You can write something. You can borrow a camera (you can, one of your friends will have *something* you can use, or a friend of a friend, or you can even hire something for a day). You can get free editing software (don't ask me, just Google "free editing software", use a bit of common sense!) You can get friends to help, you can even get experienced people to help, if you just ask on Shooting People or do a Twitter/blog shout out. The thing is, there are no more excuses, if you want to make something, go and make it. List all the things you have, and write something around them. Ask if you can film in your local pub, or shop, or mate's house. If you really want this, you'll get off your arse and you'll do it. If you don't, you won't.

In the meantime, CBeebies are running a writing competition. It's for UK based writers who are 18 or over, the deadline is Thursday 14th July, they want a script between 20 and 30 pages and a series outline. The website has script samples and video clips to help you out. Get on it!

Kings Cross GladOS

2011-05-19T23:59:00.002Z

Memo.wav Listen on Posterous

The female synthesised announcer voice on the underground at King's Cross station really sounds like GladOS. Or am I just imagining things?

ITV news and Chas & Dave

2011-05-19T18:22:00.002Z

Final post before I go to the Hub tomorrow, hope to see you there if you're going.

Found this ITV News report on the Cockneys Vs Zombies filming from last month - obviously it's a bit spoilery if you don't want to know anything, but they get half the plot wrong so don't worry about it too much.

And while I'm on the subject, you may have seen this tweet from director Matthias Hoene yesterday:

Yes, I have heard it. Yes, it is the BEST THING EVER.

"Suddenly" news, and general things

2011-05-16T11:11:00.003Z

Small snippets before the next big post, which will be a long one. It'll either be about dealing with rejection, or taking general meetings as a new writer, whichever one gets finished first. Or possibly something else when neither of them gets finished.

As you can see, I've changed the template and fiddled with it a bit, because the old one was getting a bit cluttered. I've had lots of Blogger "Pages" for the contact details, about me, credits and so on, but they've been buried in a messy links sidebar. Now they're in a shiny new menu at the top, thanks to Blogger being nice and easy to use. I had a separate information page at www.jamesmoranwriter.co.uk, but I got rid of it and have pointed the domain to this blog. Now that I can have all the info pages here, there's no need for another site.

One of my new projects has just been announced in Cannes, a remake of the 1954 movie "Suddenly", which originally starred Frank Sinatra in an electrifying performance. It's a cracking thriller, and one that lends itself really well to a new update, so I'll try my best to do it justice. Update: It's also mentioned in Variety, with its wonderfully terse sentence structure.

I've completely locked down my personal Facebook page, because it's for friends and family only, and I'm not comfortable with people I don't know seeing private stuff - but my public Facebook page is open to everyone, and you can go and "like" it here if you fancy that sort of thing.

Should have another big piece of news soon, which I'm extremely happy about, so keep an eye out. Not that you'll need to, as I'll be shouting it from the rooftops when I'm allowed to talk about it. Only, not *actual* rooftops, that's a bit dangerous. Internet rooftops.

Girl Number 9 in America

2011-05-03T22:54:00.001Z

Americans! People in or near America, who can get access to such things! This post is for you! Yes, Vincent Boylan is coming to America, and he's not interested in seeing the sights. Well, he might be, who knows how his mind works. Although in fairness, when he looks at tourist attractions, he probably imagines people strung up on them, in agonising pain. But I'm rambling.

The lovely people at FEARnet have done the unthinkable and let Boylan into the USA. Girl Number 9 will be showing on their website and VOD this summer. Yes, that's right, not only will it be on their website, you'll also be able to watch it on your TV through some sort of whizzy fancy trickery (details here). For the full story, go to the FEARnet website links above and read all about it. You'll also be able to watch Psychoville in August. It has nothing to do with me, but I'm mentioning it because you need to see it, it's brilliant.

The GN9 team have known this for a long time, but we couldn't say anything until the official announcement. I'm so glad more of you will get to see our work, I'm really proud of it. Have a stiff drink or nice cake (or both) ready for afterwards though, it's a dark, twisted tale. Unless you like cheery musicals, in which case, it's one of those! It's whatever you want it to be! Except *that*. That's just weird.

Diff Con

2011-04-27T18:01:00.000Z

Another convention to add to your list, this time in Cardiff: Diff Con is on 19th-21st August 2011, at the Mercure Cardiff Holland House Hotel and Spa. There are all sorts of exciting guests, including Eve Myles, Kai Owen, Ray Holman, Ben Loyd-Holmes, Katy Wix, Neil Roberts, Paul Kasey, John Jenner, and an exceedingly handsome, talented writer called - oh, how unexpected and embarrassing! It's me! But never mind me, they've got a brilliant guest list, and the whole event should be loads of fun.

If you book before 1st May, tickets are £80, then they're £90 until July 10th, and £100 after that. You get one free autograph from every guest, and photos are separate. I'm on the free signing list, by the way, and won't be charging to sign things, so if you want me to scribble on a DVD or whatever, just come and find me whenever. There'll be the usual type of panels you'd expect, signing sessions, photos, all that good stuff, and parties, smaller talks, and a dealers' room. By the way, "dealers' room" means they sell books, DVDs and action figures etc, NOT drugs. I learned that lesson the hard way.

Cockneys Vs Zombies filming pics

2011-04-23T23:46:00.000Z

Some Cockneys Vs Zombies filming pics have popped up online. There are spoilers in the descriptions and photos, so it's up to you whether you want to go and have a look, you have been warned!

Two newspapers had people taking pics from a distance during some of the location filming. First one was this article in The Sun, with a couple of really good pics. Second one was The Daily Mail, with even more pics. Both are a bit spoilery, but they've got quite a few plot details wrong so you can safely ignore the text.

And io9 have this really good article about the shoot, with proper plot info from the press release, pics, and a video made by some of the zombie extras.

Braaaaaaaains

2011-04-12T17:45:00.000Z

When I got the job of writing Cockneys Vs Zombies, one of my first questions was "can I be a zombie extra?" It's something I've wanted to do for ages. Last Thursday, I finally got my wish.

It was another terrifyingly early start, getting a 5.30am train, and again I couldn't sleep the night before. Jodie came along to be a zombie too, as did my brother, nephew, and a friend. There were quite a few of us, the green room had set up a production line to do the zombie makeup, and we got sorted in record time. Because I wasn't playing the same character as my "man who walks across the room" from the week before, I had to look totally different. I was wearing a different outfit, and they really went to town on my zombie makeup, which you can see at this link here. (Note: that's not on set, the lighting and angles will be totally different in the finished film, please don't judge it by the quality of my phone camera!)

After that came Zombie School, where the brilliant Tristan (hello Tristan!) quickly showed us the best way of moving and acting like a zombie. A quick stroll down the road, and we were on the location. An entire street had been closed off to traffic, with several crashed cars, dead bodies, severed limbs, chunks of flesh, and pools of blood - it looked like a proper zombie apocalypse had kicked off. And once again, I got slightly overwhelmed.

When I visited the set of Severance, I got all emotional and tearful, as it suddenly hit home that they were really making my script. I get it to a certain extent on everything I write, and this time was the same, if slightly more emotional. It's been 5 years since Severance was released, and although I've been incredibly busy in TV since then, a couple of bad movie experiences had made me gunshy about doing another movie. Thankfully, if you choose to work with cool, smart, lovely people, then things go a lot better. This entire experience has been fantastic, incredibly creative and fun. And it all came flooding back suddenly, as I was standing in the closed off street. I wrote a full-on zombie outbreak, and here it was, happening right in front of me. You never get over that thrill of having your work filmed, it's always exciting and surreal.

Weirdly, the placement of the building, cars and white van was pretty much how I pictured it. I didn't specify exactly where on the street they would be, but they were in exactly the right place. Once the smoke machine started, and the zombies started shambling, it looked even more amazing. We did several takes of various things happening (trying not to drop spoilers here), then different angles.

At that point, the stunt co-ordinator Abbi came over to find a zombie and a victim to do a small stunt by a wall. Nobody was volunteering, so I got sort of volunteered for it, somehow. Without going into too many details, we both had to disappear over a wall and land on a mat. This required knee and shin pads for me, so I could go for it. Abbi talked us through it, and within seconds, we were performing the stunt. Not a huge stunt, not life threatening or even that dangerous, but it felt cool anyway. We got pretty good at it, and were quite pleased with ourselves - until we bumped into Annabel, who did a *terrifyingly* dangerous stunt the week before, in one take. Now *that* was a stunt. I can't wait until you see it, it's absolutely mental.

More takes happened, various angles, then lunch and several angles of the following scene. Again, I can't really say what we did, but a final stunt came very close to where Jodie was, and looked pretty scary. Funnily enough, the stunt driver was Derek Lea, who played the Paramedic Sleeper in my Torchwood season 2 episode "Sleeper", so I finally got to meet him and say hello - although I might not have been so polite if he'd accidentally killed my wife. I'd have told him what I thought in *no* uncertain terms, at the very least. Thankfully the stunt went without a hitch, and we were finally done.

It was a loooooong, long day, as before, and I still can't get over the hard working cast and crew who do this every day. I had a fantastic time, and even if I'm barely visible on screen, I'll still know I'm in there somewhere. Everything I write is special to me, but this will have an extra resonance, thanks to being able to physically help out on set. It's good to be back in the movie game.

Try not to bump into the furniture

2011-04-05T17:55:00.000Z

Last Saturday, I was an extra in Cockneys Vs Zombies. Not a zombie, that'll come later, just a normal person going about their business. I wanted to be visible in the background, but mainly wanted to see what it was like working a proper, full day on set. Normally, seeing as my job is finished when filming starts, I swan in around lunchtime, watch them film, get in the way, and have some biscuits. But the cast and crew have to be there every day, around 5am or 6am depending on what needs doing, until around 6pm. The very least I could do is experience one day of that, in solidarity for all the hard work they're doing. Also, there are biscuits. Did I mention the biscuits?

I was told to report to the unit base at 6.30am, and could *not* be late. Unfortunately, because early morning trains from here are a bit sparse, and the tubes I need don't start until after 5am, I had to get up at 3.50am to make sure I got the very first train. 3.50am. I didn't quite believe such a time existed. Obviously, due to nervous excitement, I couldn't sleep for ages, so probably got 2 or 3 hours sleep. A good start. Made it to the train, which was eerily full of sleeping people. Got to a completely deserted King's Cross just before 5am, which was *creepy*, normally it's really crowded. Almost as if a zombie outbreak had really happened.

Eventually I got to the unit base, 15 minutes early, and met the other extras for the day. Had my life saved by the freshly cooked full breakfast. Inhaled two coffees. And was more or less ready. Wardrobe inspected the clothing options we'd brought, I ended up wearing my dark blue suit with a green shirt, to fully embody the role of "Bank customer", or "Man walking across room" as I later called him. Although we all decided that since we weren't addressed by name on screen, we could be called anything, so I'm going to give us very long, silly names. Minibus took us to the location, the Royal College of Surgeons, and we were inspected by the makeup team, who decided we were fine, and didn't need anything covering up. How bad would that have been, if I'd been the *one* person who needed work?? And after the early start, I was fully expecting it.

The crew were already hard at work, setting up the shots and lighting, blocking the scene with the cast, so we waited until we were needed. Most of our time was spent staring at this painting, wondering if they were real people, with the bodies painted first, and the heads copied from random photographs later:

We could NOT stop staring at the painting. I was convinced that if I stared long enough, I'd eventually see myself in there, smiling out at the world. You've always been the caretaker here, Mr Moran.

Finally, it was our time to mill about in the background, and we were told where to go and what to do. I suddenly got incredibly nervous, now that the reality had set in - when this film is out in cinemas, I'll be clearly visible on screen. What if I look stupid? Or act terribly? Even though I'm just walking across a room and then hiding, what if my walk seems stilted and unnatural? In a movie that I won't name out of kindness, there are two competition winners who got the chance to walk through a scene as extras, and they stick out a MILE, they may as well be wearing t-shirts saying "Hello! I won a competition to be here! Look at my excited face!" What if I'm even worse than that? What if everyone laughs? What if the whole audience is suddenly rudely yanked out of the film, and immediately realises that the idiotic writer has blundered into shot? What if I forget where to go, and bump into one of the cast? What if I sneeze, or trip over a cable, or bump into a wall, or look at the camera, or any one of a million other things??

Add to that the strange urge to get out of the shot, because I'm not usually supposed to be there, and I was a bundle of nerves. So I made myself think about who I was playing and why they were in a bank, constructing a ridiculously complex backstory for "Man walking across room" to fill my mind with details. This stopped me thinking about what was really happening, and I was able to relax a bit, enough to successfully walk across the room several times, and pretend to fill out a form. The rest of the day was made up of more angles of the same shot, and then some slightly spoilery stuff which I won't go into. Although if you've read the official plot teaser, you'll have a good idea of what might happen in that room. At the end of it, Matthias the director got some shots of us spontaneously reacting to him shouting various things, so that we weren't expecting them, and I think it worked really well. He's a lovely, smiley, softly-spoken chap normally, so it was a bit strange to hear him shouting, but it was purely to fit in with the spoilery thing, and helped a lot. Although after filming finished, he took me into an alley and beat me up, it wasn't on camera, so I'm not sure what that was all about. I think it's just his way.

Weirdly, the day felt much, much shorter than the days where I turned up from 2pm to 6pm. It must have been because I actually had a job this time, instead of standing around feeling useless and awkward. When you have a reason to be there, and are working, the hours fly past. Although by 6pm, I was utterly exhausted - all I did was walk across a room a few times (after a very early morning), the cast and crew have much more difficult jobs, and have to do this every day, for the whole film shoot. I already knew that they work incredibly hard, but doing a full day gave me even more of an appreciation for that.

It was loads of fun, very tiring, and fascinating to see the whole process from the other side of the camera - setting up shots, talking to the actors, seeing the preparations, etc. The cast were doing great things during the scene, tweaking stuff, ad-libbing, and I found it tricky not to laugh when two of them went off on an extended riff. We're very lucky to have them, and naturally I now want to put them all into everything else I'm currently working on.

Once it was all over, I ducked out of the pub drinkup everyone was going to (I know, I *must* have been tired) and hauled my weary carcass home to flop on the sofa. Thank you to everyone for putting up with me, I had a great time. And this week, I shall be a zombie! Although they could have used me as a zombie straight after that long day, I wouldn't have required any makeup. In fact, they'd have had to make me look *less* dead. I'm not very good with early mornings.

Cockneys Vs Zombies Vs Twitter

2011-03-31T13:29:00.002Z

Cockneys Vs Zombies starts shooting

2011-03-21T23:52:00.002Z

Today was the first day of shooting on Cockneys Vs Zombies, and it went really, really well. I won't be spending every single day on set, but I absolutely had to be there for the first day - it's been a while since I've had a movie made (mid 2005, then released in August 2006), and I'm a bit excited about it. Yes, I've done lots of TV work since then, so it's not like I've been away, but I still get a thrill every time I see something of mine filmed. There's nothing quite like seeing your words come to life, it *never* wears off.

Once again, I got that weird, repeating shock every time the cameras rolled: blimey, it's cool watching a movie being made - hmm, that sounds familiar - hang on, that IS familiar - holy shit, I wrote those words - holy bumbiscuits, they're filming my script! I wrote this! How the hell did that happen?? - okay, settle down, relax, just enjoy it - blimey it's cool watching a movie being made - hmm, that sounds familiar - etc etc.

Obviously I can't go into detail on what happened, but the cast and crew are doing amazing work, I couldn't be happier. It looks beautifully cinematic, the actors have completely brought the characters to life, and there's a real buzz on the set. It's a pleasure to watch everyone work - I'd love to stick around every day, but I've got too much writing to do at the moment. I'll be popping in and out regularly, though, just to enjoy what they're all doing. It's in very safe hands. And it's going to knock your fackin socks off, you muppet!

And I didn't do too badly at my on-set job - which is to get in the way of crew members, step on cables, and accidentally get in the shot. Totals so far:

People I got in the way of: 5
Cables I stepped on: 3
Shots I accidentally got in: 0 (must try harder)

Not bad for my first day...

Update: See below for a photo of the "A camera" clapperboard from the very first day of shooting - it's still marked with the details of the final shot of the day. 38th camera setup, scene 73, take 4. As usual, you may clickyclicky for biggybiggy:

Cockneys Vs Zombies casting news

2011-03-17T12:42:00.000Z

The first big press release for Cockneys Vs Zombies is now out there, and several sites are reporting on our fantastic cast, including the Hollywood Reporter, Bloody Disgusting, Shock Till You Drop, Dread Central, JoBlo, and the marvellously named America Screams.

As you can imagine, I'm ridiculously excited about having such brilliant actors involved. We've got Michelle Ryan, Harry Treadaway, Honor Blackman, Jack Doolan, Rasmus Hardiker, Ashley Thomas, and the utter legend that is Alan Ford. There are plenty of others not yet announced, so keep an eye out for more news and publicity soon.

We start filming on Monday, and I can't wait. And when I say "we", I mean the cast and crew, all I'll be doing is standing around watching, occasionally grinning like a lunatic and saying "brilliant! Wahey!" And *someone* has to wander into shot by accident, get in the way, and trip over cables - and that's my job, on every set I visit. Hey, we all contribute in our own way.

SFX Blog Awards 2011 nominee

2011-03-16T19:54:00.001Z

The shortlist for the SFX Blog Awards 2011 have just been announced, and there are several very worthy blog nominees for you to vote on, including the blog of an extremely handsome, talented writer called-- oh, how embarrassing! It's me!

Yes indeed, my blog has been shortlisted for the SFX Blog Awards 2011 in the "Best Celebrity Blog" category. I'm not actually a celeb, but I'll gladly accept any validation I can get. You can vote for it on their website from today. Clickyclicky on the badge below to go to the voting page (I'm on page 7, but there are other categories on the other pages):

I'm very grateful to be nominated, and I know very well that I won't win at all - Paul Cornell, John Scalzi, Jane Espenson, Wil Wheaton, and Neil Gaiman?? I'll be lucky to get last place! But if for some bizarre reason you like the Spork more than the others, please go and vote, and I'll be eternally grateful to you. Note: when I say "eternally" I *do* mean until the end of time. But "grateful" doesn't mean I'll grant you any sexual favours or give you money or help you to build a barn or anything. It simply means I will experience feelings of gratitude towards you.

Thank you to anyone who votes, and may the best blog win! Actually, let me rephrase that: may the best blog *not* win, and may the others not win too, so that mine can win!

Various things, and Paul Cornell's beard

2011-03-15T13:43:00.002Z

Been a bit hectic round here lately, with the final pre-production before shooting starts on Cockneys, and lots of other projects needing care and attention too. I'm working on a long rambly post about rejection, because people ask me about it a lot, but it's going to take a while to finish. In the meantime, I'll try to post about other things, and hopefully will do updates about the current movie, if/when I can. It starts filming on Monday, and we're having a big cast readthrough tomorrow to see how the dialogue plays with everyone there. Should be good fun, they're a fantastic group of actors and I'm really excited that they're involved.

Last reminder that I'm a guest at the Leicester Space Centre's BritSciFi event this Saturday and Sunday, 19th-20th March. Phil Ford will be there too, along with Gerry Anderson, and lots of other cool folk.

Sir Jason of Arnoppshire has got a Doctor Who audiobook out now, called The Gemini Contagion - you can get it on CD, or download, online or in physical shop type things. Go and check out his blog for the details, or he'll turn up at your house at the crack of midnight, wielding a knife and shrieking about Satan. Just like he does at mine every single night.

And most importantly, Paul Cornell is growing a big scary beard to raise money for Shelter - go over there and donate if you can, or just spread the word if you can't afford cash. It's a very worthy cause, and he is posting a succession of beard photos which I hope someone will make into an animated gif once it's all done, so we can see the beard lunge forth. Paul: save those pics! This must happen!

News, Gallifrey, space, and Hub

2011-03-01T13:00:00.003Z

Some news updates! Updates made of pure, undiluted Newsanium!

Still fighting the jetlag from the Gallifrey One convention, where I had a fantastic time. Everyone was really lovely and made me feel incredibly welcome. Look! Look at them all, being welcoming!

Blimey, that's a lot of people. Bit terrifying when you're standing on the main stage. I won't do a full report again, as it'd probably take me a year to write like the first one I did. But it was absolutely brilliant. Especially when an adorable, tiny little kid asked me a wonderfully geeky question about the logic behind a scene in my TARDIS game. The audience went "ooh", expecting me to faff and dissemble, but I had a long, geeky answer all ready to trot out, and finished with "don't try to out-nerd me…" I have to know all the explanations to everything in my scripts, even if it's never said on screen, because it drives me mad otherwise. Except for the plot holes that I haven't spotted, but we don't talk about those.

It's a lovely, friendly convention, and in the evenings everyone just hangs around in the lobby, boozing, chatting, and being silly. Randomly, Aaron Douglas was passing through for totally unconnected reasons, and got grabbed by lots of friendly folk demanding to buy him drinks. Look! There's me and the Chief from BSG! Pondering life's mysteries!

We got on really well, until I said the wrong thing, and all of a sudden he turned on me:

Actors, eh? You just never know when they'll try to kill you with their bare hands. It's even worse than the time back in 2007 at the Fantasporto film festival when electro-punk goddess Peaches tried to steal my Severance screenplay award:

She was all "I just want to have a look" and then suddenly she was fighting me for it. But hey, at least she didn't try to kill me. We'll meet again, Aaron Douglas. This isn't over.

One of the Gallifrey panels was a live podcast recording, for Radio Free Skaro, with me, Phil Ford, Gareth Roberts, Clayton Hickman, and Joss Agnew. You can hear it here, so go and check it out, it's good fun.

I'll be a guest at the Leicester Space Centre's BritSciFi event on Saturday 19th to Sunday 20th March - the proceeds go to charity, other guests include the legendary Gerry Anderson, and the also legendary Phil Ford, and it should be a really fun weekend. Come and say hello if you're nearby, or I'll have you sent into space. I can do that, I know people. Space people.

And finally, I'll also be a guest at The Hub 6, on May 20th-22nd, at the Park Inn, Northampton. I'll be on the main page soon, I'm listed in the forum though. But never mind me, they've also got James Marsters and his cheekbones, Colin MacFarlane and his silky smooth voice, and Ben Loyd-Holmes and his sinister Operative stare of doom. Feel the quality of those guests! Actually, don't, that's assault, unless they say it's okay. It's my first Hub, but I've heard they get quite rowdy and mad, so I'm looking forward to it. And if you're offering, I'll have a JD and diet Coke, please.

That's all for now, hopefully more news later, and a long rambly post that will probably take forever to finish.

Gallifrey this week

2011-02-15T18:22:00.000Z

This week, from 18th-20th February, I'll be a guest at Gallifrey One, a Doctor Who convention in Los Angeles. I've been twice before, it's brilliant fun, really friendly and cool, and I can't wait to go again. If you're going, come and say hello, I'll be around for the whole weekend. This is my current schedule of panels etc, unless something changes in the next few days:

Interview with Radio Free Skaro Podcasters: Friday 2pm (Program Hall 2, Second Stage, Atlanta/Boston Rooms)
Autographs: Friday 3:30pm
Hands Across the Ocean: The New Torchwood: Friday 5:30pm (Program Hall 3, Scottsdale Room)
Kaffeeklatsch (Small Fan Gathering): Saturday 12pm
The Perils and Pitfalls of Writing Doctor Who: Saturday 1pm (Program Hall 3, Scottsdale Room)
Autographs: Saturday 2:30pm
Too Many Vamps? Sunday 11am (Program Hall 3, Scottsdale Room)
Autographs: Sunday 1:30pm
Doctor Who Adventure Games Panel: Sunday 3:30pm (Main Hall, Marquis Ballroom)

The full schedule is here, so make sure to check it in case things change. If you live nearby or can get there easily, it's well worth going. They have a ridiculously impressive lineup of guests, so get yourself down there!

Short Trips CD Volume 2

2011-02-02T16:09:00.000Z

Just a quick update to say that the website now contains titles and short descriptions of each story on the CD, including my one. If you click here, you can have a look. The CD is out on the 28th February, and I can't wait to have a listen.

SFX Weekender this weekend

2011-02-02T13:57:00.000Z

Just a reminder that I'll be a guest at the 2011 SFX Weekender, from 4th-5th February - you can click here for the full, incredible list of guests, and when you've regained consciousness after fainting in amazement, you can go here to check out the ticket details and so on.

The list of panels is now up, and I'm on 4 of them, so you'll probably be sick of the sight of me by the end of the weekend. It should be good fun, and if you want anything signed or just want to say hello, come and find me in between panels - I'll either be hanging around in the main bit watching other panels, or in the bar. I'm not that scary, I promise, no matter what alleged "photographic proof" people claim to have.

Girl Number 9 on Australian TV

2011-01-19T12:59:00.001Z

Girl Number 9 has just started airing in Australia, on TV. It's on ABC2, Mondays at 9.25pm, and the first episode was shown this week. If you missed it, you can catch up here for the next 11 days.

Episode 2 continues the story on Monday January 24th. Episode 1 is only 5 minutes, so you've got plenty of time to catch up, unless you're busy 24 hours a day. Even if you are, take a break for 5 minutes, have a rest! By watching a dark drama about a serial killer! It's the best way to relax, apparently.

Update: It's only airing in Australia at the moment because ABC2 have the Aussie distribution rights. Deals are currently being done elsewhere, so it will appear in your area fairly soon, you're not being left out. I'll announce when I know of each local deal, whether it's online or TV, etc.

The Entweetening

2011-01-17T15:01:00.000Z

The main reason blog posts here are few and far between is usually lack of time and topics - I never know what to write about, until something pops into my head. And that's fine, I don't want it to feel like a chore, it's something I really enjoy doing, but I don't want to force myself to do it.

The other reason is the Twitter, which is far, far too much fun. If you are following me on the Twitter, then hello! And thank you for following me. You're lovely, and special, and better than all the other followers. Yes, you are, you're the best one. I really enjoy being on there. I talk a lot of nonsense, find interesting links, see what's happening in real time during major global events, keep up with friends and family, and chat to loads of fun, cool, interesting people. If you work at home, as I do, you can go a bit stir crazy, not leaving the house for days, talking to yourself or your characters. This way, I can see what everyone's up to, but also turn it off when I need to get back to work. And sometimes it's nice to celebrate achieving a writing goal, it feels like everyone's rooting for me to do well.

It's a fascinating slice of everyone's life, always there, whenever you want to have a look. Obviously you get some people who don't say anything interesting, but the great thing about it is you're in control - you decide who to follow. I try not to follow too many people, otherwise my feed would swiftly become too big to handle. I regularly feel compelled to read my entire feed and catch up on the stuff I missed, and if I followed too many people then I'd do nothing else all day but read tweets, sitting in my own filth, crying, scrolling through a never ending page. Usually I just dip in and out, and unlike my blog, each tweet of mine doesn't have to be a big post with news or advice or useful information, I can just have fun with it. Some recent examples (linked ones are together):

-- I am full of eggs. Like a giant sea turtle.
-- My flippers are pushing me feebly along the sofa, looking for a good nesting spot.

-- Movie pitch: Hallmarked for Death: Steven Seagal hunts down a serial killer who kills according to greetings cards, Se7en-style
-- Hallmarked for Death features a man killed by stuffing him with blue foam to look like a Forever Friends bear.
-- I may have had too much coffee

--If you think I didn't just watch Star Trek 4 for the kazillionth time, then a double dumbass on YOU!

-- The whoopee cushion has claimed its first victim: my brother John. Thppppp! 4 grown men fell about laughing for AGES

-- Dear East Coast trains free wifi: you are slower than an asthmatic trying to suck a golf ball through 50 feet of garden hose.
-- Also, the garden hose is made of asbestos, and the golf ball is the size of the Moon. And the asthmatic is ON the Moon.
-- Without a spacesuit, I mean. Making it even harder to breathe.

-- I have eaten all the food in the world. I regret nothing.

-- When @jodiekearns asked why I and the Angry Birds hated the green pigs so much, I simply yelled "THEY'VE TAKEN ALL THE EGGS"

-- Why do baddies always shove goodies the last few steps? "Get in the cell!" *shove* Okay! They were already going!

-- BEEF IS HAPPENING

-- Internet porn opt in is nonsense. Why not make all TV channels only show Teletubbies, unless you "opt in" to grownup shows?
-- Bloody Tories. Taking our money that we earn to buy porn, now you're taking the porn too?? Damn you! What next, a ban on wanking??
-- If they seriously attempt this, I propose a Wank-In outside Parliament.

See? Look at me one day, you'll (hopefully) think I'm witty and clever. Another day? A foul mouthed lout. Another day? Both. Or neither. Who knows? That's half the fun of it though, isn't it? By the way, if you do follow me, I'd advise not getting text updates from me on your phone, because I might say nothing all day, or I might suddenly go on a 50-tweet rant. And for some reason, I seem to swear a lot more there than here, so be aware that my language is usually going to be adult. Well, childish, but for adults only. You know what I mean.

The other great thing about it is that there's no right or wrong way of using it. If people like what you say, they'll follow your updates. If they don't, they won't. And if someone is being an arse to you, if they won't stop, you can block them, and vice versa. It's a really good way of keeping it useful and fun for each user, which is probably why I enjoy it so much.

I should mention this while I'm on the subject: I often get requests to retweet someone's charity fundraising site, and sometimes I'll gladly oblige to spread the word - but not always, otherwise I'd be constantly reposting charity messages, and it would defeat the purpose of drawing attention to one at a time. So if I haven't done yours, it's nothing personal, I just don't want to do too many. Sometimes I'll see a worthy cause myself, and pass it on because I think it deserves wider attention - in those cases, I'll have donated too, because I don't think I should ask people to help out without doing so. I hope that's clear and fair. Also, please donate to my new charity, "Jimbo Likes Jim Beam", you can donate at any pub (if I'm in the pub at the time).

Anyway, if you're not on there and are curious, sign up and try it out. It's free, easy, but you have to use it for a bit to get a feel for it. Follow some interesting people, see what your friends are up to, talk to them, join in. It can be great fun, sometimes very silly, sometimes very profound. But it's what you make of it. See you there! Only, not right now, I'm writing stuff. But maybe a bit later on! Woo!

SFX Weekender 2011

2011-01-11T18:11:00.002Z

Announcement! This is me announcing an announcement!

I will be a guest at the 2011 SFX Weekender, from 4th-5th February - you can click here for the full, amazing list of guests. Look at those names! Not mine, all the other ones! I really enjoyed last year's Weekender, and I'm really looking forward to going again. Well, going to the Weekender again, I mean, not going to last year's one again, that would be very difficult, we'd have the Blinovitch Limitation Effect to worry about for a start.

Go here to check out the ticket situation and all that stuff, they have all the details you'll need. I'll be on a panel or two, talking nonsense, not sure what the panels are yet, but the schedule should arrive soon. Hope to see you there if you're going, come and say hello. Hint: when I'm not on panels, I'll probably be in the pub.

Big Finish audio and Torchwood Kindle news

2011-01-10T13:49:00.000Z

Some actual news! Blimey, you're probably dying of shock as I type this. So I should probably call an ambulance or something. In the meantime, try to stay comfortable.

I've written a short story for Volume 2 of the Big Finish Short Trips CDs, which is released in March. Each CD contains a story about Doctors 1 to 8, read by actors from or relevant to their respective eras. So you can probably work out from the order of the cast list and order of the writers, that I've written a 7th Doctor and Ace story, which is read by the lovely and brilliant Sophie Aldred. I've wanted to write for that team for *ages*, and am really pleased that Sophie is reading out my words. I may have gushed a bit when I met her and Sylvester McCoy, as I loved their time on DW. Also on Volume 2 is a story by Darren Goldsmith from the Twitter, and Simon Guerrier from… well, from a magical land where tall men roam free. There are other marvellous writers on there too, but I have no comedy names for them, so they must remain anonymous. Unless you look at the page I linked to above.

Volume 4 is out in August, and features a story by Jason Arnopp, read by Peter Davison. Lord Arnopp has been fantastically busy lately, so get over to his blog to see all the other great stuff he's got upcoming, and stuff you can buy RIGHT NOW. Also, he's just landed himself an agent, so huge congratulations are in order. Go and touch him!

Still on Big Finish, the second season of Highlander audio plays has been slightly delayed to March, but is all going well and on track for the new release date. Get in there.

And in techno-magic news, the electronic elves of Book Mountain have worked their trickery on the Torchwood: Consequences book, and turned it into a Kindle edition that you can read on your Kindles or iPhones or iPads or (insert other device here, no, don't insert it like *that*, you'll hurt yourself). So if you buy it, you'll have a virus on your machine! Okay, a story called "Virus". Which isn't about a computer virus. Shut up, the joke still works. Sort of.

Slight reorganisation

2011-01-08T15:57:00.002Z

I've decided to move the daily pic over to its own site, so as not to bombard this one with updates. The pic thing is mainly for me anyway, to see if I could keep it going, and amuse my future self. If you still want to see them, they're on my Posterous page here, which you can subscribe to or follow or whatever people do with Posterous things. Today's pic is actually something that's not in my house! But you'll have to go over there to see it, there'll be no mention of the pics here from now on.

Stay tuned for actual news on Monday. I know! What's the world coming to, eh?

Daily Spork Pic 7

2011-01-07T21:47:00.001Z

Another indoor pic, this time a closer view of one side of my desk. And yes, I know all of the Doctor Who items are the wrong scale for each other, I don't care, it's my desk. Hopefully tomorrow I'll leave the house! Won't that be exciting??

If not, maybe I'll move this over to a separate site, to stop it cluttering this one up. Or stop it altogether. Or post pics taken a while ago that nobody has seen yet. Or just run shrieking into the street, photographing the reactions of startled passers by.

Daily Spork Pic 6

2011-01-06T23:36:00.002Z

Okay, I really need to leave the house more often if I'm going to keep this up. Day 6 and I'm already doing food/drink items. But in fairness, it's a rather splendid cocktail and must be shared with the world. It contains gin, and... other stuff, I can't remember.

If this photo thing makes it to the end of January then I'll be very surprised. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but now everyone knows how uneventful my daily life can be. It's not always like this! Sometimes I go outside! But not today. Maybe tomorrow.

Daily Spork Pic 5

2011-01-05T20:55:00.001Z

Obviously, doing this daily pic thing is going to require leaving the house regularly, otherwise it'll end up being photos of cats and door handles by week 24. But for now, another indoor pic: the sad pile of streamers and burst balloons that marks the end of the Christmas and new year holidays. It's a metaphor for something or other.

Daily Spork Pic 4

2011-01-04T14:13:00.001Z

As I passed through Leeds today I was startled to see a giant Dalek standing near the train station. No eyestalk or gun that I could see, they're probably hidden inside, ready for a stealth attack. Or as stealthy as a giant Dalek can manage, at least. So, people of Leeds - run for your lives, I guess.

Daily Spork Pic 3

2011-01-03T15:05:00.001Z

Near my sister's house, is The Steepest Hill In The World. See where it disappears out of shot there?? It drops vertically off the edge of the planet and INTO SPACE. I just walked down it, at a 45 degree angle, it was like a deleted scene from Inception. I survived, in case you were worried. But still. Look at it. It's insane. Kids - don't try this at home.

Daily Spork Pic 2

2011-01-02T18:55:00.001Z

Today's pic is the chalkboard in my sister's kitchen, with a new year message drawn by my nephew Nicholas. Imagine several of those bottles, tipping their contents down my neck, and that's pretty much what happened that night.

Daily Spork Pic 1

2011-01-01T17:32:00.000Z

Happy New Year! I meant to do a "photo of the day" thing ages ago, but never got round to it. So I may as well start now. I've set up a Posterous account so I can easily email photos from my phone wherever I am to make it easier for myself - it takes anything I email to it and sticks it on here. So let's see how it goes.

First Daily Spork Pic is from the opening minutes of 2011, just before I burned my hand on a used sparkler. Who knows what the year will bring? Hopefully a bit more caution when playing with fireworks...

2010: The Year We Make Contact

2010-12-23T14:56:00.000Z

Almost 2011 already?? Blimey!

It's been a strange year, 2010. Some really amazing stuff has happened, some not so amazing stuff. Feels like a year of preparation and planning, even though I've actually done some real, solid things too. One TV thing that has just gone to the powers that be, took 2 years to get to this point - 2 years of meetings, outlines, notes, scripts, all to get to a final episode draft. It's all exciting stuff, working with cool, smart people, but can feel like a really long, slow marathon at times. I've done a huge amount of work this year - 3 TV episode scripts, 3 film scripts, a computer game, short story, many outlines, among other stuff - but the only thing that you'll have actually seen is the Doctor Who game and Torchwood Magazine short story. Feels weird not having anything on TV for so long, but there's a lot of stuff going on in the background that you won't hear about until it's made.

It's also been a year of uncertainty, of wondering how the TV and movie worlds will cope in these difficult times, never knowing what the next job will be until it arrives - but again, that's always the case with this business. You never get to a place of total security and safety, you're in the wrong job if you want that. So you have to keep working, keep building new relationships, meeting new people, while doing things with people you already know and trust, always moving forward, always believing that this particular project at this particular time will get made. It's never easy. Sometimes it can feel like you're getting nowhere, taking a step backwards, even. But it's all necessary, you have to be patient, optimistic, and trust in the process and the people.

Having said all that, I still wouldn't trade it for *anything*. This is the best job in the world. I get to make up stories for a living, stories about immortals, swashbuckling adventurers, zombies, serial killers, aliens, time travellers, heroes, villains, spies, and brave, ordinary people thrown into extraordinary situations who somehow find the inner strength to overcome impossible odds. I get to take moments from real life and write my own version where everything works out. I get to show you the dark, horrible things that can happen. But sometimes I also get to show you the good guys winning, the bad guys getting punished, and cool stuff exploding.

Hopefully all this planning and work means that 2011 will be a frantically busy year of projects taking off and getting made. I've already got one movie set to shoot, with more planned, and the TV stuff dangerously close to happening too. It feels like I've been in training all year, getting fit for the big match, and I'm all ready to get out there and show what I can do.

Could all come to nothing, of course, but I believe it will all work out. I believe 2011 is going to kick ass and take names. I believe it because I'm going to damn well make it happen. And I hope you all make stuff happen too. Have a fantastic Christmas break and new year, and I'll see you on the other side!

Long term hopes and dreams

2010-12-20T14:17:00.000Z

The lovely, manly, and powerful Paul Cornell is doing his Twelve Blogs of Christmas again, and I highly recommend that you go there and have a read. The first one here covers the writing-related things he hasn't done yet, but would really like to do. He also wonders if other writers have a similar list - I normally do my big end of year summary blog post thing, but I think his version is much more fun and interesting, and I feel like a change, so I'm ~~shamelessly copying~~ joining in. Here goes:

Run my own TV show: By "my own" I mean, created or co-created by me, where I'm the lead writer. I've had tons of fun playing with other people's toys, but I want to play with my own toys, run my own universe, set my own rules. As you'll have seen from several other posts, there are plans afoot to (hopefully) make this happen, and I have several potential things underway at various companies. But as with all development, you never know until you get the go ahead, and it can be rejected at any stage. I've talked about this before here, and how time consuming it can be. That's just how it works, it's a huge risk and financial commitment for the powers that be, and they need time to make sure it's all worth their while. Which is why there's never anything to announce until you are actually filming something, just in case. But fingers crossed.

Write a freelance episode for a US TV show: This one's fairly low on the likeliness scale, in fact, there's pretty much no chance right now. There are a lot of working US writers who would be in the queue before me, even if I was living in America, so it wouldn't make much sense to hire me for an episode. But I'd really love to do one, partly for the fun of writing the episode itself, partly for the chance to work in that intense environment with those amazingly talented people. Any preference? Sure, I'd love to do a Dexter, Castle, Human Target, Leverage, The Mentalist, or CSI Las Vegas. I'd also love to do a Glee, but I'm sure they'd look at my blood-splattered TV history and just stare at me in horror. Although I don't always do violent, death-filled stuff, I've written plenty of nice things with happy endings. Honestly, you kill *one* baby...

Direct a movie: This is another thing that is possible and in the works, but depends on a lot of things falling into place. Lots of things in development, lots of possibilities. So fingers crossed again.

Write comics: Another possible thing that I've been working towards, so more crossed fingers. It's a different set of tools, a very different discipline to TV and movie scripts, so I'm still learning how to do it. I have several pitches I'm working on, so once they're ready, I'll have to try and convince some artists to join forces with me. And if I ever got the chance to do a Batman or a Punisher comic, I think I'd probably explode.

Write a non-DW or TW short story: I've loved writing short stories for Doctor Who and Torchwood, but I'd really like to write one set in a completely different world, without characters I already know, just to see if I can. Preferably for a themed anthology, so it's not just on its own, but can hang around with friends in a book somewhere. What?? Stories get lonely without company. They're like pets.

Write comedy: A lot of my work has funny stuff in, and Severance is even called a horror-comedy (although I'd argue it's a horror with some funny bits), but I've never managed to do a pure comedy piece. I tried, ages ago, but was so focused on trying to bring the funny, the plot never materialised and so the jokes didn't work. I've realised that I need a strong, high-concept plot if I want to do a comedy - but is that really out-and-out comedy, or just a funny high-concept thing?? The ultimate test would be to come up with a sitcom. A lot of the things I've done lately, I chose them because I wasn't sure if I could actually do them, because the very idea scared me. You've got to challenge and scare yourself, sometimes. And the thought of doing a sitcom terrifies me, I have no idea how to even start. So it's definitely something I want to try.

Write a play: See above, about challenging yourself… There are many specific types of restrictions and things you just can't physically do in plays, but I want to try and do them anyway. I love being on set when my stuff is filmed, so I'd kill for the chance to see something of mine performed, live, every single night, for the entire run, it must be absolutely electric.

Write a James Bond movie: The only one from Paul's list that I'd also like to do, and I suspect it's on everyone's list. Which is why I'll probably never get to do it. But hey! I never thought I'd work for Doctor Who, have a movie made, or even get paid for writing anything. So why the hell not? Dear producers: I am available and cheap. And fast. And not crazy (well, mostly).

Write a Knight Rider movie: Yes, seriously. I'd jump at the chance. It's been in development for ages, not sure why it's taking so long - it's a talking car! Who solves crimes with his human friend! How is this difficult?? Call me, producers!

Be a rock star: Yeah. Who doesn't want that?? I'd love to be in a band, belting out rock songs on stage to huge crowds, doing guitar solos. How is it writing-related? Well, I'd write the songs. That counts. Sadly, my fantasy is hampered by two small obstacles: I can't sing, or play any instruments. But hey, that never stopped (insert your favourite rock star's name here)!

So there you go, that's my list of current hopes and dreams. There are probably more that I've forgotten, but these are the ones that I think about regularly. Hopefully I can make some of these happen soon. I'm not tagging anyone, but like Paul says, I'd love to see what other writers put on their own lists. Have at it!

Severance on BBC1 Friday 17th! And Blu Ray!

2010-12-16T22:48:00.002Z

Severance news! And to answer your next 3 questions, yes I'm *still* going on about that movie, no it will *never* end, and no there's no escape.

It's getting another UK TV screening this Friday 17th December at 11.30pm, on BBC One and BBC One HD too. It'll be available for a while at the link once it has been shown on TV. I was surprised to see it appearing on the HD channel, as I'm not aware of any high definition copies ever being made.

So I had a quick search, and discovered some Blu Ray editions, which I had no idea existed, but hey, why would *I* of all people need to be told about anything like that…

If you live in Germany - or anywhere German- or English-speaking, for that matter, as there's an English audio track too - you can get a shiny Blu Ray copy from here. There's a German review of the disc here, or you can click here for Google's translated version.

And if you live in Australia - or anywhere else that speaks Australian, which is remarkably similar to English in many ways, I'm told - you can buy a double feature Blu Ray with Black Sheep and Severance on the same disc here - but it's missing all the special features of the DVD. There's a review of the disc here.

Both reviews above say the image quality is pretty good overall, so I'll be picking up a copy to check it out. But mainly because it'll go nicely on the shelf with my UK version, US version, German version, Spanish version ("Desmembrados"), my bootleg Hong Kong version (written and directed by Michael Mann, apparently) and soon the official Thai version. And to answer your *next* 3 questions, no I can't help myself, yes it's sad, and no I didn't have many friends as a child.

By the way, if you live in a Foreign Country (i.e. not the UK) and there's a local version of Severance on the DVD shelves, could you please take a photo of it for me? If the cover is different and interesting, then I'll probably want to grab a copy. Bonus points if it's got a cool, translated title like "Desmembrados". Thanks!

Final issue of Torchwood Magazine

2010-12-15T14:58:00.001Z

The final issue of Torchwood Magazine is out this week, and it's a real shame to see it go. It may well rise again at some point, but in the meantime, if you want a copy, get down to your local newsagent, because they'll probably be snapped up quickly.

I've got a short story in the final issue, which is appropriate given that it's my farewell to a character that I love, but never got the chance to do more with. If you read the previous issue, you'll have seen James Goss' excellent Lost Stories article, which featured all the unused season 2 storylines from me, Phil Ford and Joe Lidster. One of mine has been stuck in my head ever since I originally pitched it, back in December 2006, and I've always wanted to come back to it. So now I have.

"Unplugged" is the result, and is a bit different to "Stakes on a Plane" and "Virus", it's more of a quiet, character-led piece, beautifully illustrated by Adrian Salmon. I'm really happy with how it came out, and honoured to be a part of the final issue of TWM. Toshiko Sato, this one's for you.

Official Facebook page thingy

2010-11-30T00:06:00.000Z

I've been on Facebook for a while, but it's a personal account for family and friends only. I've tried to make it clear that I won't accept requests from people I don't know, but I still get several requests per day from complete strangers. I'm sure they're lovely strangers, but I don't want all my personal stuff on display to people I don't know. That's just common sense, for everyone. I'm sure you understand my feelings on this, and if you don't, then we're probably not going to get on very well anyway, so never mind.

Anyway, to keep my public stuff and private stuff separate, there's now a public Facebook page, which you can visit here. If you're vaguely interested in my work, etc etc, you can go there and click "Like", and will be part of my official, public space on the Book of Faces. There's no restrictions, anyone can "like" it and post stuff, and I'll try to keep it updated with news and stuff that's too short for blog posts, maybe even stuff that won't be on here or the Twitter. It'll also automagically update whenever I post a blog entry here. Including this one, announcing the page itself, in a weird, recursive loop that may well destroy the very fabric of reality if we're not careful.

I feel like a terrible, self promoting shill mentioning it here, but it has to be done, and it makes sense to keep the two separate. I just wish instead of a "Like" button, there was a "I'm vaguely interested in the work of this person" button, so it doesn't look like some weird plea to be loved. Now go and validate me, or I'll sulk.

Summary of every screenwriting "how-to" book

2010-11-23T15:25:00.004Z

I've talked about screenwriting "how-to" books here before. Short version: I'm not a fan. If you've never written a script or thought about how a story works, or if you're still new to all this and need guidance, then sure, most of them have common sense stuff that can make things clearer. But you don't *need* to read any of them.

Of course, people are still curious. They wonder if maybe the books have some secret, magic formula, a short cut to telling brilliant stories. So, to save you some time and money, here is a bullet-point summary of every screenwriting "how-to" book ever:

--1: Have a Beginning, Middle, and an End. In the Beginning, kick off the story in an interesting, exciting way, introduce all the characters (making sure they're interesting, flawed, with voices distinct from each other, snappy dialogue that sounds real, and their own specific goals and conflicts, especially the baddies), and show us what the main character wants, and the obstacles in their way. In the Middle, throw all the obstacles at them and see how they cope, while avoiding visible exposition ("As you know, my father, Dr Robert McFuckleberry, the eminent parapsychologist, went missing last year under mysterious circumstances"), working it into the dialogue and actions subtly, showing us what's going on instead of telling us. Similarly, don't tell us stuff in the action description that can't be seen on screen (Jack is a black belt in AssKickFu, and loves his mum), show it happening (Jack uses martial arts to kick a guy's ass for insulting his mum), because every scene should move the story on, or reveal character, preferably both. Halfway through the Middle, throw in a surprising twist that moves the story in another direction. In the final bit of the Middle, have everything go wrong, and make it look grim for the main character. In the End, show the main character summoning up their strength for one final battle, where they overcome all the obstacles, save the day (in a surprising yet inevitable way that was hinted at from the very beginning), and walk off into the sunset having learned something and grown as a person - that, or they tragically fail/die, but with a glimmer of hope for the future. Keep it all between 90 and 120 pages (a page is roughly equal to a minute of screen time), and make sure it's in the proper screenplay format (use Final Draft or Movie Magic Screenwriter if you have some spare cash, or the free CeltX or BBC ScriptSmart Word template).

--2: Er, that's it.

There, now you can just get on with telling good stories, and haven't contributed to the weird industry of "expert" script advice from people who've never written a script in their life. That'll be ten quid, please. Cash or cheque is fine. Cheers.

(Note: I'm aware all books are different, and may have good tips, etc etc, but you don't need any of them to write a good story. You can get solid, practical tips and techniques from working writers like John August and Bill Martell (who posts a great script tip every day, and also has a series of brilliant Blue Books that are incredibly useful), things they've used in their long careers. And re-read this if you want my recommendations on books about writing and the industry. If you really must read one of the how-to books, and need a more in-depth analysis of how stories work, try "Save the Cat", or "Crafty Screenwriting" - they're both short, reasonably priced, have some useful thoughts, and the authors actually wrote real movies and TV shows. None of the other ones have any extra insight. Although I'm totally with McKee on the need to stop all the shaky camera shit.)

Amazon Studios

2010-11-19T15:35:00.004Z

Several people have asked me what I reckon about the Amazon Studios thing. I didn't want to comment until I'd read all the terms and conditions, but now that I've ploughed through all the details, I'm not keen at all. Obviously, I'm not a lawyer, this is all my opinion, blah blah blah.

So let's start with the downsides:

-- Amazon automatically take an 18 month option, for free (which means you can't sell your script to anyone else during that time). At the end of that, if they want another 18 month option, they pay you $10,000. You can't turn it down, either, even if you have several actual film companies begging to buy your script - if Amazon want to extend the option, you have no choice. If your script is good, then you're stuck with them for 3 years. Up and coming writers usually get paid if their script is optioned. Even just a token amount. Sometimes it's 50 quid. Sometimes it's several thousand pounds. And it's usually for 6 to 12 months. Update: It's actually even worse than this. After 18 months (or 3 years) even when the rights revert to you, they can STILL sell your script or give it away. Forever. They just don't have the exclusive right to. So you might get your script back, but share the rights with Amazon. *Surely* I've misunderstood this, right? It *can't* be that horrific, right? Someone at Amazon or a legal type, please tell me I've got that wrong. For my own sanity.

-- Anyone can rewrite your script. Your version stays there too, but will soon have several rewrites surrounding it. If someone reads a bad rewrite first, they might not bother to read and vote on the original draft.

-- Suppose you write a script about a giant killer robot mouse. Someone comes along and rewrites it, adding some crap jokes. Someone else comes along, reads their new version, and thinks it's brilliant - but do they read your original version too? Do they like it *because* of the new person's changes, or because of the stuff in there which is yours?

-- Which raises the tricky question of who decides how much you contributed *to your own script* - in the movie world, this is called arbitration, where experts (who are also writers) read every draft, and make careful decisions about who did what and what credits are deserved. They sometimes get this wrong. It's very difficult, even for them. How are Amazon going to cope with a script rewritten by 24 people, if the changes are very small?

-- Suppose your script does really well, and rises up the ranks. Every idiot with no ideas who wants to be attached to something cool will start doing "rewrites" on it, in the hope that they'll be included in the credits and cash payouts. This will dilute the quality, and reduce your credit and payment. Ironically, this part is fairly similar to the normal movie world…

-- The more voices you bring into a script, the more writers, the more interference, the worse it gets. You get hired because of your voice, the way a script *feels* and sounds that is unique to you. As soon as anyone gets their hands on that, it gets lost. Sure, the process might result in a good script at some point, but it's never going to have the originality and quirks of a sole writer's voice. The Amazon system would never result in something like Reservoir Dogs, or Kidulthood - strong, powerful, original voices that only those specific writers could have done at that time. Before you quote The Pixar Exception at me - a small, tight team is responsible for writing the actual script, sometimes just one person. Everyone in the company can give feedback and suggestions, but they don't just let everyone do a rewrite.

-- Dude. Have you *seen* some of the "reviews" on Amazon??

-- It starts from an assumption of failure. You put your script in, and it gets rewritten by anyone and everyone, no matter what. Sure, your original version is still there, but normally you'd get a couple of drafts after being hired, drafts that you'd write yourself. You're immediately giving away your rewrite chances. You could always do another draft yourself, later. But people looking at it will wonder why you didn't wait and hand in *that* new draft instead of the original.

Okay, that's enough negativity. Let's consider the upsides:

-- Monthly cash prizes for top scripts. That's good, if you win. But if your script is good enough to win those, it's good enough to get you an agent and/or sell to a film company.

-- The production and distribution stuff. Sure, if your script makes it all the way, untouched, and gets made, released, etc etc, you *could* make a lot of money. Nowhere *near* as much money as Amazon and WB will make out of it, of course. And if anyone does a rewrite, and gets credit, your payment is reduced. If several people do rewrites, it's reduced even more.

-- If your script is crap, but has a good idea at the core, someone else could do a good rewrite, and you'd both get a share in the final movie. Hey, might happen. But do you want to have a small share in one movie, or become a better writer and get a movie made out of *your* script, and build a career?

-- The biggest upside is this: you could be living in the middle of nowhere, with no experience or connections, with hardly any writing ability, and find yourself with a hit movie in the cinemas that you had a little bit to do with. Maybe. Assuming many, many, many things go your way.

So they're the upsides and downsides, according to me. Taking all that into account, do I think you should go for it or not? Bear in mind first that my opinion here is probably going to upset some of you. If you just want to be told you're brilliant and special and anything can happen in magical movieland, then stop reading now. Still here? Okay, don't say I didn't warn you.

The Amazon Studios site is not aimed at people who want to be writers. It's aimed at people who want some free money from a big movie, without doing much work. There, I said it.

Sure, people who want to be writers might genuinely be interested in it, but they're not the target audience. I get that it might seem like an attractive deal for someone who has been working on a script for ages with no results. If you're not getting anywhere, been rejected by every agent and film company in the world, and this is your last possible option, I couldn't blame you for giving it a try. Although you'd have to ask yourself why you'd been rejected by every agent and film company in the world.

But if you really, really, really want to be a writer, I'd recommend staying far away from the website. It won't make you a better writer. Work on your scripts, your original voice, your career. A good script will get read, and found, and passed on to people who can buy it or help you start your career. Put that same good script into this thing, and you've pretty much just given it away. Even if it gets made and survives the tortuous process, you might not see any money or credit. And most people will not get the second option fee of $10,000, will not win the monthly prizes, will not get their film sold and made. The Red Planet competition is also free to enter, but your script remains your property unless they buy it, and the prizes are much better for your career and growth as a writer - there's no downside to entering that. This seems to be mostly downsides.

If you want feedback on your work, go read this. If you want to be a writer, go read a lot, write a lot, work on your scripts. If you're good, you'll get noticed and break in. If you're not, then you won't, until you get good. That's it, really. If you want a career in writing, you already knew I was going to say that, because you've done your research, asked questions, read all my FAQs, read all of the other helpful blog posts out there, and they all pretty much say the same thing.

If you're still looking for a short cut or an easy answer, then you don't want to be a writer. You just want to be rich and famous. Which is fine, but I can't help you with that.

Update: For proper, clever, detailed analysis, go read what Piers Beckley, Michelle Lipton, and John August have to say about it.

I confuse myself sometimes

2010-11-16T16:23:00.001Z

Occasionally, and I'm not proud of it - although, let's be honest, I actually *am* geekily proud of it - I'll put overly obscure jokes or references into scripts. But one time, I wrote a joke so obscure, that when the producer asked me what it meant, I HAD NO IDEA. I still don't. I remember laughing when I wrote it, so it clearly meant something at the time, but I haven't got a clue what that might be.

So here is the snippet of script featuring that joke:

There you go. The bit that confuses me is Lisa's first line, "Only if it's not in black and white." Why is that funny? Why is it clever? What does she mean? I get the bit about photographers doing rude things with lenses and tripods, but what's the "not in black and white bit" referring to? How does that make it filthy? Arg!

There's a valuable lesson here about not being too clever and tricksy in scripts, but I probably won't listen to myself, as usual. The "joke" has been gone since that early draft, as I still don't understand it. If you know what it means, answers on a postcard to the usual place. Please use correct postage, and only one side of the postcard. If you haven't got a postcard, use a stuck-down envelope. If you haven't got a stuck-down envelope, use a stuck-down elephant.

Is it obvious that I'm avoiding working on an outline?? No?? Good.

Update: Several people - enough so that I'm starting to feel a bit silly - have sent me the same possible answer: black and white nudie images = art, colour nudie images = porn. That sounds likely, and may have been what I was going for. I'm not entirely sure though, as I still can't remember. But I reckon that was it. Hooray!

Gallifrey One 2011

2010-11-08T16:34:00.000Z

I mentioned this a while ago, but realised it's not actually on here yet, so... I'll be a guest at the next Gallifrey One convention, February 18th-20th, 2011.

It's a huge Doctor Who convention held every year in Los Angeles, and it's brilliant. If you're in the area, or near the area, or a drive/flight/horse ride away from the area, and you want to say hello, then come along and join in the fun. I'm really looking forward to it, as I skipped this year's event, and have great memories of the 2009 and 2008 ones.

But don't just come along for boring old me - other guests I've just copied straight from the website are: Peter Davison, Janet Fielding, Sarah Sutton, Tracie Simpson, Peter Bennett, Matthew Waterhouse, John Leeson, Kai Owen, Tom Price, Sheridan Smith, Ian McNeice, Neill Gorton, Jane Espenson, Doris Egan, Phil Ford, Ashley Way, Gareth Roberts, Gary Russell, Jason Haigh-Ellery, Clayton Hickman, Larry Niven, Barbara Hambly, Tony Lee, Len Wein, Marv Wolfman, David Gerrold, Rick Sternbach, and loads more, including the marvellous Javier Grillo-Marxuach. Phew. That's a pretty amazing lineup. Hopefully I'll see you there, it's bucketloads of fun and should be the biggest year so far.

Important: If you're going, the hotel is filling up *fast*, and the nearby ones will be too, so check out the website for your options. Book now to avoid being stuck in the Miles From Anywhere Hotel.

Torchwood Magazine - the "lost" season 2 episodes

2010-10-29T10:55:00.000Z

Issue 24 of Torchwood Magazine is out this week, and has a great feature by James Goss about the "lost" episodes of Torchwood season 2. I've often talked about how I got the job originally, and that I had 3 pitches for episodes, one of which became Sleeper. But what were the other two? What was the original, slightly different outline like? What changes were made? And how was Gwen nearly killed by cheese?

Find out the answers to all these questions, and more - there's a summary of my original outline, an interview with me, and two deleted script scenes that were removed when a subplot changed. There's also lots of material from Joe Lidster, Phil Ford, and Andrew Cartmel, about their episodes that never were. It's a really interesting article, and I'm not just saying that because I'm in it - although, obviously, the addition of me makes *everything* 87% more interesting.

Also, the new Torchwood comic has reprinted my Torchwood Magazine story, "Stakes on a Plane", in issues 3 and 4, with what looks like one or two extra illustrations. If you didn't catch it, check it out, and you can also find Gareth David-Lloyd's comic reprinted in two parts as well.

Go and find these quality items, purchase them, read them, love them, hold them close to your heart. Or the editors will come looking for you.

Jodie on The Sarah Jane Adventures

2010-10-25T01:38:00.001Z

Series 4 of The Sarah Jane Adventures continues on CBBC this week, starting today with "Death of the Doctor", and it's a particularly exciting episode for several reasons: Russell T Davies is writing it, Matt Smith is guest starring as the Doctor, it sees the return of Katy Manning as Jo Grant - Jo Grant! - and, most excitingly for me, it features the voice of my ridiculously talented wife Jodie Kearns in some of Sam Watts' brilliant music.

She also did some vocals for part 2 of Joe Lidster's "The Nightmare Man" story that opened series 4, and you can hear that here at Sam's website - scroll down and play the track called "I Wasn't Talking To You". She's at the start, but also breaks into full on operatic mayhem towards the end, it's fantastic.

It's so cool and strange hearing Jodie singing on a TV show I love, particularly a Doctor Who related show, it feels almost like she's suddenly walked into shot. But I get the same feeling when she's on stage, for a moment I panic, and think "OMG! She's walked on stage! In the middle of someone's show!" - then my brain remembers she's supposed to be there. And now her voice is inside the TV. It be witchcraft, I tells ya!

Part 1 is on Monday 25th October, 5.15pm, CBBC, or Wednesday 27th, 4.30pm, BBC1. Part 2 is on Thursday 28th, 4.30pm, BBC1, or Friday 29th, 9am, CBBC. Glue your eyeballs to the nearest TV, and watch. Note: please do not *actually* glue your eyeballs to anything, this will cause irreparable damage to your sight and I will go to prison forever.

Update! Here's a piece of Sam's music from the episode, featuring Jodie's vocals. Go listen!

No news is good news, unless it's bad, or nothing at all

2010-10-22T16:49:00.002Z

Blimey, got into a good rhythm there, a blog entry every Monday, then it wobbled, skipped, and now it's been a month. But sometimes I can't think of anything to talk about that deserves a full post. I'd rather just wait until I have something to say, rather than force an entry (if you'll pardon the expression). It's much easier to spout random silliness on The Twitter, which I do quite a lot.

And there isn't always much to say. I write, at home, and even when I'm working on cool scripts with monsters and aliens and serial killers, it's just me, sitting at a desk or on a sofa, typing (or pacing around and swearing). Sometimes I meet producers, directors, etc, in tiny offices in central London, and we talk about the pieces of paper I've written on. I go back home, and write more. It's only when things get made that there's actual *stuff* to report here. As I've been busily working on all new stuff in development for well over a year now, there's not a lot to announce yet.

Several TV things are waiting for people to say yes or no, as are several movie things. One of the TV things is at first draft stage, one has a 3rd draft, and now moving to series outline, one has just got the go ahead to start outlining episode 1, one is a pitch that a production company is interested in. Two movies have first drafts - one is Project Stab, a spec horror comedy, one is Project Pulp, the script I was commissioned to write. Two more are all written, optioned, and trying to attract funding. Two more are outlines looking for potential backers. One one only exists in my head, and some garbled notes in a text file. They could all suddenly spring to life and get moving, or just get a quiet rejection and die.

Development is slow. It's just the way it is, always has been, always will be. But you line up lots of things, do a draft of one while waiting to hear about another, and hope that one or more will keep going. You can't wait around, you have to take advantage of the time to work on lots of things, and do some specs of your own that will hopefully sell or get you other jobs. So I'm actually quite busy, probably busier than I would be if one or two of them went into full production. This all sounds quite miserable now I read over it, it's not meant to be - just trying to show that even when I'm busily working on several cool things, there's never really much exciting stuff to tell you about. But I get to make up stories for a living, and I love what I do.

There should be actual Things to mention soon though, one will be next week, and others will gradually appear when they're ready. Lots happening behind the scenes though. I'm like a duck, with the swimmy feet under the surface, or something. But the feet are typing on a tiny, underwater computer keyboard. Well, a typewriter, the computer wouldn't work underwater. Although the typewriter would sink. And ducks can't type, even if they could see what their feet were doing. So, not really like that. But you get the idea.

Harlan Ellison's first typewriter

2010-09-14T11:21:00.003Z

The man, the legend, the one and only Harlan Ellison is auctioning off his very first typewriter. To most of you, I need say no more, as you will be frothing at the mouth and demanding a link to the website. You may go there, right now.

To the rest of you, an explanation is in order. Harlan Ellison is a writer. Here he is, in the textbook "writer holding chin" pose, with the typewriter itself:

The word "writer" is inadequate here, the man conjures up universes and experiences like no other, taking you on wild journeys to places you can scarcely comprehend, every word he writes is hammered directly on to your soul with a typewriter ribbon made from the skins of orphans. He's written a LOT of stories. I mean, a LOT. He's won eight and a half Hugo Awards, three Nebula Awards, five Bram Stoker Awards, two Edgar Awards, and tons of other awards, including a few that haven't been invented yet. He's written for TV, on Star Trek, The Alfred Hitchcock Hour, The Man From UNCLE, The Outer Limits, and many more. He lives in the Lost Aztec Temple of Mars, a house ripped directly from M.C. Escher's mind and flung screaming into the real world. He's travelled with the Rolling Stones, marched with Martin Luther King, and could probably take you in a fight, despite being a 76 year old geezer who has had quadruple bypass surgery. He's pretty fucking amazing, is what I'm saying.

You can read a couple of his stories and essays here, check out interviews with him here, order books direct from his website here, or get electronic versions here. Try "Dreams With Sharp Teeth", or "Shatterday", or "Slippage", if you're not sure where to start, and go from there.

Harlan Ellison writes on a typewriter. Always has, always will. He doesn't need autocorrect or delete or any of that wimpy nonsense, computer keyboards aren't strong enough to withstand his words. So auctioning off his *very first* typewriter is a big deal. If you know and love his work, then you'll definitely want to get hold of the very machine on which some of his stories were written.

If you're in the market for a piece of literary history, then run, don't walk, over to this website here, and warm up your bidding fingers. You know it makes sense.

"TARDIS" interview and Highlander teaser

2010-09-10T11:28:00.000Z

Two mini items for your blogular pleasure:

I recently did an interview about "TARDIS", my episode of Doctor Who: The Adventure Games, in which I talk about… well, the game, obviously. It was filmed in the Big Finish studios, where Sarah Douglas was recording her lines as The Entity - I got to meet her, the lovely Nicholas Briggs, and the equally lovely Barnaby Edwards. I'd just recovered from an attack of the Space Virus, so I look a bit bewildered and tired, but I think I mostly made sense. Anyway, enough of my yakking, go and look at it!

A teaser for the second season of the Highlander audio plays is now online, so feast your ears upon the Big Finish podcast to hear it (direct link to mp3 file, the teaser bit starts at around 19 minutes 43 seconds). You can pre-order the plays now, from here - they're 4 linked stories, I wrote the 4th one, and the brilliant Scott Andrews wrote the first 3. Don't forget, Big Finish makes its audios easily available to buy and download, for very reasonable prices, and they don't punish honest customers with silly DRM - so please don't nick it or give away copies, they work really hard to give you quality entertainment, and they deserve your support and cash.

"TARDIS" game available now!

2010-08-27T10:27:00.002Z

"TARDIS", my episode of Doctor Who: The Adventure Games is available now, at this link! It's free to download for UK folk, but don't worry if you're outside the UK - you can buy it here!*

I've been working on the game for ages, and am incredibly pleased with it. I've never written a game before, it was a fascinating, fun process. In many ways, it's like working on a TV show that's in production, and working within the constraints of their sets, characters, and props - but it's also completely different, because you have to allow for gameplay, but there are no limits to what you can show. It was great fun writing it, and I hope you enjoy playing it. Just be careful with those controls!

Update! The thing I couldn't tell you until now: the main villain in this is voiced by the only and only Sarah Douglas, who you will know from the first two Superman movies, the original V series, Stargate SG-1, Falcon Crest, and many, many more movies and TV shows. I'm ridiculously excited that she's playing a part I wrote, and I got to meet her at a recording session, which was amazing. She plays The Entity, and is absolutely brilliant. Now go! Download! Play!

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*We get it free because we pay for a TV licence to get the BBC, and we also get one free trip in the TARDIS per year included in that fee, so if you don't want to pay the few dollars/euros/whatever, just come to live here, and get a TV licence. Simples!

"TARDIS" script teaser, videos and screenshots

2010-08-26T16:29:00.000Z

A special script teaser for "TARDIS", my episode of Doctor Who: The Adventure Games, is now up on the BBC website, as well as some videos (including an intro by Karen) and screenshots. The script teaser is written by me, and shows the events leading right up to the very first scene of the game, so you'll get a sneak peek at where the Doctor and Amy are before the game starts. But you'll have to wait until you get hold of the game to find out what happens next! I know! But you only have to wait another day…

In the meantime, you can just re-read the script teaser over and over, or go for a walk, or draw a picture, or watch telly. You have options, that's what I'm saying. Until tomorrow! When you have one option, and one option only: download the game, and then play it. TWO options, you have only two options. But blimey, what lovely options.

Doctor Who: The Adventure Games - "TARDIS"

2010-08-25T12:25:00.001Z

"TARDIS", my episode of Doctor Who: The Adventure Games is released this Friday, 27th August. There's a new monster, a new type of dangerous situation, and yes, you'll be able to control the TARDIS yourself. I know! I'm really excited to see it go out into the world, even more so now since I discovered that-- oh, but I can't say that yet. You'll find out… There's all sorts of fun things to discover, which I'll talk about once the information is released.

Both the PC and Mac versions will be out on the same day, and those of you outside the UK won't have to wait either - it'll be released for you to buy at the same time. You can still buy the first two online here, and I imagine TARDIS will be available in the same place. As before, I don't know any more technical details than that, I'm at the creative end, luvvies. Also I'd probably get something wrong, so I just copy stuff from official releases to make sure I get it right.

And there'll be a cool thing happening tomorrow, related to the game, which I can't possibly tell you about right now. Just wait until tomorrow!

Sex, Wales & Anarchy 3

2010-08-19T19:23:00.000Z

Sex, Wales and Anarchy is an event for unsigned musicians and artists, a "showcase for the overlooked", organised by Newport's own Gareth David-Lloyd. It's on at The Coal Exchange in Cardiff Bay, Saturday 4th September from 2pm, and will feature all sorts of bands, art, spoken word, tattoos, graffiti, and much more. A late addition to the guests is an extremely handsome, talented writer called - oh, how predictably yet surprisingly embarrassing! It's me! There's loads of people and stuff to see, so I'm really looking forward to it. I'll be doing a panel about Girl Number 9, an independent production starring Gareth, and talking about what it takes to make a web show on your own terms.

You can also see Gareth's band Blue Gillespie, poet Patrick Jones (the brother of Nicky Wire from the Manic Street Preachers), folk singer Maddie Jones, and loads more, including a Swansea metal band, and some Newport drum & bass. It should be a brilliant day (and night, it goes on till 4am or something - but I've phoned my mum and she says I can stay up), so come along if you like the sound of that, say hello, and see some cool, clever people doing cool, clever stuff.

Ticket details are here (warning: features a picture of a lady's bum, if you're at work), it's 10 quid for the day, 10 for the night, or 15 for the whole thing, but you must be 18 or over. The Facebook page is here, and they're on The Twitter here - they've even got a Retweeting competition to win 2 tickets, so get in there quick while you can. Fly, my pretties! Fly!

'Tis the season to be jolly

2010-08-16T14:53:00.001Z

It's almost that magical time of year again! Feels like it starts earlier every time - this year it all kicked off in July, if you can imagine such a thing. But as long as we remember the true meaning, that's what really matters. I'm talking, of course, about FrightFest, the 5 day horror film festival.

I've been going for years, it's always great fun, with premieres, early showings, special guests, previews, snippets of things that are still shooting, short films, silly ads, trailers, and all sorts of cool stuff. It's 5 days of horror, sometimes with a few thrillers and science fiction movies thrown in, 25 films on the main screen, with 10 more on the alternative screen to choose from. In 2006 my first movie, Severance, opened the festival, which was a huge thrill for me, as documented in obsessive detail here.

A question people regularly ask is "why the hell would you want to watch horror films for 5 days? Or even one day? Or even one film?" And it's a good question. Why would I want to sit and watch something that will horrify, scare, shock and disturb me? Is there something wrong with me? And why would I want to *write* something like that? Isn't the world a bad enough place without wanting to add to it?

Well, for me, and lots of people, watching (and writing) horror feels good. You get to explore your darkest fears in a safe environment, get taken to the edge and then brought back safely again. All of your worries are played out on screen, and usually, they're not half as bad as you can imagine. In a lot of horror movies, after the nasty stuff, you even get to see the victim fight back and defeat the killer, which is a hugely cathartic feeling for the viewer. They show you that yes, bad things do happen, but sometimes, people can get through it, stop the bad person hurting them, and come out the other side, stronger, braver.

Not all horror has a happy ending, of course, and it doesn't have to. Sometimes it takes you to a dark place, and leaves you there, a bit broken. That's less fun, but just as important. Again, it lets you explore your fears safely, takes you out of your comfort zone for a while, and gives you some solid scares along the way. Maybe the movie had a bleak ending, but when it ends, hey, it was only a movie! And hopefully you've learned something, or faced something you didn't think you could, or at the very least been told a compelling, extreme story.

Like most genres, horror has phases and cycles, high points, and low points. Some people (and horror filmmakers) still seem to think it's the 1950s, and that only teenage boys watch horror - which results in shoddy, embarrassing work. The audience is actually a good mix of male and female, young and old, and they're really smart. Underestimate them at your peril. Luckily, most filmmakers realise that now. There's still plenty of bad horror being made, but there's a lot of great stuff. Like all the best masked killers, horror never dies, it always gets back up for another scare.

Sometimes horror is pure entertainment, over the top gore and splatter, which is fun because it's so ridiculously extreme. Sometimes it sneaks in social commentary, making clever points about the way we live our lives. And sometimes it's just a bloke in a mask stabbing people and making you jump. It's all there to make you feel something, to laugh, gasp, scream, cry. You never quite know what to expect, especially when going to a 5 day festival of horror films, most of which you've never heard of.

And that's why I love horror, and love going to FrightFest every year. Maybe I'll see you there. Merry FrightFest!

Doctor Who games outside the UK, Torchwood, other projects

2010-08-09T07:45:00.000Z

People outside the UK can now buy the first two episodes of Doctor Who: The Adventure Games, for the bargain price of $4.95. They're available here, seems to be just the Windows version at the moment, no idea if/when the Mac versions will be available - ask them, not me.

Also, not many people have picked up on this, but one of the characters in Blood of the Cybermen is voiced by Ursa herself, the fantastic Sarah Douglas. Yes! I know! No news yet about the release date of the 3rd and 4th games, but we're all working hard to get them finished for your gaming pleasure. I'll update when the announcements start appearing.

In related news, I'm ridiculously excited to see that Jane Espenson, Doris Egan, John Fay, and John Shiban are the writing team for the new season of Torchwood, with Russell writing and showrunning. They're all brilliant, and I can't wait to see what Jane Espenson does, I adore her writing. As I've already said on The Twitter, that is literally all I know about it, there's no point asking me anything, I'm not involved in any way, so I only know as much as you.

And if I've just sent you a link to this blog post, it means that since I wrote that last sentence, more than ten people have asked me for information or if I'm writing for it. It will happen, I know it will - people are *still* asking if I wrote an episode for season 5 of Doctor Who, despite the fact that the series is now over and a quick Google would give them the answer faster than asking me. No, I didn't, by the way. Although the Adventure Games are canon and considered part of season 5, so I suppose, technically, I did. But not one of the TV episodes. I don't know about season 6 yet, or 7, or 8, or any of the others. I'm not working on the new series of Primeval either, don't know what the storylines will be, but wouldn't be allowed to say even if I did know. But I don't, honest. My guess, for Primeval? Dinosaurs will be involved in some way. Don't tell anyone I told you.

Things I actually *am* working on: One TV pilot script (an action show, in development, going well), one horror comedy movie ("Cockneys Vs Zombies", shooting soon), one movie adaptation (from a non-fiction book, I'm at outline stage), "Mercenary", a movie suspense thriller (seeking funding, with a production company), a movie of my own (currently shopping it out to interested parties), some web stuff (one's written, all have pitches, all seeking funding), another web thingy for a TV channel (waiting for contract agreements), and a couple of possible TV things that are at pitch stage, which I'm shopping around. There's also another project that I'm hoping to announce in a week or two, if all goes well. That's everything I can think of, right now. See? Even when I *do* know about stuff, I can't really say much about it. But watch this space! News will happen soon! Not *very* soon, probably. So, you know, you could make a cup of tea or something while you wait. Maybe a few cups. And a meal.

Dealing with writer's block, or "getting stuck"

2010-08-02T17:08:00.000Z

Okay, this is long. Looooooong. Looooooo-oooooooo-oooooooooooong. But I get asked about this a lot, so I wanted to do it justice and talk through how I deal with it, so… tough luck, I guess. Also, there's some swearing.

Contains some spoilers for Severance, the Region 2 DVD of which is only £3.99 at Play.com now, or £1.99 second hand from their marketplace, and blimey, some Amazon marketplaces even have it for a penny. For Region 1 folks, Amazon US has it new for $5.82, or used for $1.44. So why not pick up a copy? [/shamelessplug] Also spoilers for Raiders of the Lost Ark, a *much* better movie that you really, really should have seen by now, and mild spoilers for Serenity, Die Hard, and Jurassic Park 3.

In a previous post, I had a bit of a rant about writer's block. A lot of people declare that it doesn't exist, but it does, if by writer's block you mean "getting stuck", because that's basically what it is. Well, when I get stuck, I have a few things I try to get me started again. I said that the next post would be about those things. Er. That was back in March 2006. I got stuck while writing this, and put it off. Yeah, I know. But hey, better late than never. Make sure you've read that original post first, as I'll use it to address the different ways of getting stuck. Go on, I'll wait here. Are you back? That was quick. Okay, now you can read on.

Disclaimer: These are all things that work for me. It is not a "how to write" guide. Just some of my own personal writing process, which I feel weird and self indulgent writing about, but lots of people wanted to know. Feel free to ignore this and do something completely different, in fact that would be a relief because it takes responsibility away from me. Your mileage may vary. And when I say "mileage", I mean "arse".

--I have no idea what happens next
--I can't figure out how to end this

These are the most common ways to get stuck. Obviously, this shouldn't happen in a script, because you'll have worked the story out in an outline first. But you could be stuck on the outline, or maybe the script has veered off from the outline a bit and you need a brand new thing to happen next.

So you think of a few things that could happen next, but they're all predictable and obvious. Say the baddie pulls a gun on the goodie. How does the goodie escape? Your solutions: the goodie leaps on to the baddie, or leaps out of the way, or pulls his own gun, or reveals that he secretly took the bullets out of the baddie's gun earlier - all been done. How can he realistically escape? It has to be something surprising, outrageous, something you couldn't possibly see coming. Great, now you're even more stuck.

Sometimes it helps to make things even worse for the goodie, and see what happens. For example: The goodie has no way out, but his friend turns up to save him. Very convenient - oh, but the friend betrays him, and pulls a gun too! And the building is on fire! Now the goodie has two guns and a fire to face, and your stuckness has reached epic proportions. But if faced with two guns and a fire, you'd probably just jump out of the window. Why not? So you make the goodie jump out of the window. Gun and fire problem: solved. Sure, you now have a new, even bigger problem to solve, but hey, at least you're into the next bit and away from that pesky baddie with a gun. How does the goodie survive the fall?? You'll think of something. Just make things even more impossible than before, add more complications - and maybe one of those new complications will give you a way out.

That's another possible solution - getting the goodie out of a bad situation by using the tools of that bad situation. The classic example is the goodie tied to a chair inside a burning building. It looks like certain death - but instead of inching away from the fire, the goodie shuffles towards it, and holds the rope next to it - the rope catches fire, burns, and the goodie is able to free herself. She gets mildly injured in the process, so it's not an easy fix, but she did it using the tools of the bad situation - the fire, the rope. Now she can dive out of the window to escape, and give you another story problem to solve (see above).

Raiders of the Lost Ark is a textbook example of this - Indiana Jones gets into a series of bad situations, which just keep getting worse. He uses the things around him to get out of trouble, and then gets into even more trouble. Trapped in an underground cavern, with loads of snakes, he uses one of the statues to break through a wall - and almost gets killed in the process. He realises the Ark is being loaded on to a plane - he has to get on that plane somehow. He sneaks to the plane - but a huge German guy (Pat Roach, legend) catches him. But no, it's worse - the German wants to fight him, too. But no, it's worse - the pilot's trying to shoot him while he fights. Luckily Marion knocks out the pilot with some blocks of wood - which were stopping the plane from moving. Now the plane is moving, and Marion's stuck inside the cockpit. *AND* the fuel is leaking, and about to catch fire. Marion escapes, but the plane blows up. And now the Ark has been taken away in some truck. And so on. Anything and everything that can go wrong, does - and then gets worse. It's great fun.

--I don't know where this is going
--60 pages in, and I've run out of story
--I have nothing to say with this script, it's not about anything
--I have 8 weeks to write this, no more, and if I'm not finished it by then, I'm fucked, oh shit, 3 weeks left, I haven't even started properly yet, where the hell do I begin?

Either you've had the idea, and are trying to figure out what the hell happens overall, or you've run out of story. For both, the solution is to go back to your original idea, and let it give you the answers. So let's take a silly idea for a movie: "MonkeySpank, the Movie". A man is turned into a monkey for 24 hours, and framed for murder. How do you spin a 90 minute movie script out of that? Is it enough? What happens? What is it about?

My usual process, once I have an idea, is fairly simple. I brainstorm everything and anything that could possibly be related to that core idea, writing it all down in a stream of consciousness, sentences, fragments, paragraphs, asking myself questions, answering them, jokes, dialogue lines, random scenes, characters, anything at all, even if it doesn't fit. It usually looks a lot like this next paragraph:

There could be a bit with a car chase, where the monkey has to learn how to drive, maybe it steals a special toy car for kids so it can reach the pedals. Maybe the murderer knows the monkey is the framed man, and is trying to kill it, but maybe an animal rights group is trying to stop him, or maybe there's an outbreak of MonkeyFlu and the government has ordered a cull on all wild monkeys, so the police are after him too. How did he get turned into a monkey? Does the real killer have magic powers to curse people into monkey form, or is the hero a scientist who invented a transmogrification machine? Hey, maybe the monkey guy was the scientist and the killer threw him into the machine and turned him into a monkey to steal his idea, maybe the machine gets out of control and starts changing other people, maybe animals become humans, etc etc.

I write pages and pages of this. Just thinking it through, working out things to do, things I want to say. I research real life stories related to the subject, find links, photos, songs, anything that might come in handy. It allows me to be completely creative without limiting myself, letting my mind explore the idea, characters and world fully. I write down *anything* that could be in the story, don't second guess it. I'll think of things that would never occur to me if I just went straight to an outline first. Now, most of that couldn't possibly be in the same film, it'd be a total mess. But it gives me options. I can spin random stuff off from any of it, come up with random characters who want different things, random tangents, and so on. And after several pages of thinking up stuff, some of it will come together, some pieces will naturally stick to each other, and a proper plot will start to form. Once I've figured out the best plot line to take, I can ditch anything that doesn't fit (or make it fit), and keep everything that does. Hopefully, that'll avoid me picking one particular plot line, and getting stuck by trying to follow it through. Now I can start putting it all into an outline, usually 3 to 6 pages, keeping it fairly lean and not too detailed - I've got all the detail I need in the brainstorm notes, the outline is to help pitch the story, and/or a guideline for me when writing the script.

Sometimes it doesn't work like that, sometimes I'll come up with a fully formed idea with a beginning, middle and end that just needs fleshing out. Sometimes it'll be a character I want to see, or a scene, or just an image. Sometimes I'll think of the ending first, and work backwards: the goodie traps the killer in the transmogrifier, turns him into a chicken, and cooks and eats it. How do I get there? How would a monkey trap a man in a machine? What would he need to set up? How would he lure him there? How would I do it, if I was in that situation? And so on. But the brainstorm process will hopefully prevent me getting stuck later, as I'll have lots of possible solutions, and can always go back to my notes and find things to use.

--I have the beginning and the end, but how the fuck do I come up with a middle bit to connect them?
--I'm doing the middle bit, but I'm just making shit up to try and connect acts 1 and 3
--I'm halfway through this, but it's shit

Ah, the Act 2 slump, or "getting stuck on the middle bit", to give it the proper title. Okay, so at the start of "MonkeySpank, the Movie", the guy gets framed for murder and turned into a monkey. At the end, he unmasks the real killer, clears his own name, and gets turned back into a human. But in the middle bit?? No idea. You've got some random things from your brainstorming sessions, but is that enough? So I put myself in the main character's position. If I found myself in that situation, what would I do to try and sort myself out? I'd probably try to communicate with someone - but I can only make monkey noises. Okay, so I'd probably try to write things down - but my monkey dexterity only helps with running and climbing, I can't really hold a pen properly. Well then I'd point at things - but how would I get people to take me seriously?? I'm a monkey!

I think of everything I might try, and make the main character try them too. But I make sure he fails, or is stopped by the baddie. That way, the goodie is constantly active, trying to solve his problems, and constantly getting thwarted. The audience will be thinking of all the sensible things they'd do, and will get annoyed if the characters don't try them. One of my biggest complaints when watching movies are characters with no common sense. Why don't they just call the police/get out of town/leave the creepy cabin in the woods/etc etc? Well, why don't they?? Let them try! Then throw obstacles in their path. It'll keep it surprising and exciting. Give them missions to go on, plans to try, places to investigate. Keep them active.

As soon as the first injury happens in Severance, and they find the coach, I thought "well, if that was me, I'd just get the fuck out of there" - so they do. They get on the coach, and leave. But a creepy man puts a spiky thingy on the road to blow the tyres, and it crashes the coach. They're too far away from civilisation, so they have to go back to the cabin to barricade themselves in. The whole time, they're trying to get out of the situation, to save themselves. You've got to make sure the characters have lots to do, and that they behave realistically (in the context of the story setup). Come up with interesting, complicated characters, throw a load of mayhem at them, and see how they react. Some will surprise you. In Serenity, Mal comes face to face with the main villain, the Operative, who is unarmed and just wants to talk. So Mal does the sensible thing, and shoots him. In Die Hard, John McClane is barefoot, only has a handgun, and is faced with a large group of terrorists - so he hides, and tries to call for help.

--I need character A to be in location B, but the way I've written it, character A would *never* go to location B, and I can't just do it for the sake of it, so how the hell do I make it convincing?

This is another variation of "getting stuck on the middle bit". Outlines are great, but sometimes, when you get down to script level, you'll realise that a plot point doesn't actually work. This happens a lot. So you improvise. You've already put yourself in the goodie's shoes, try putting yourself in the baddie's shoes. Pretend the baddie is the hero, the main character. What does he want? How will he accomplish it? What would you do if you desperately wanted the goodie dead? Pretend the goodie is the baddie, how would you punish them, and stop them achieving their plans?

Sure, character A would *never* go to the creepy old sawmill, but what could possibly drag them there? Are they taken there at gunpoint? Is their friend trapped there? Do they find out that the only possible solution to their current problem is hidden under a floorboard in the sawmill? You can show the character's reluctance to go there, just force them into it, and have them complain along the way. For example, Dr Grant in Jurassic Park 3 refuses to go back to the island ever again. They promise him a large amount of money just to fly over it, so he can point things out from the air - they won't even land. He reluctantly agrees, then they land anyway. They lied, and now Sam Neill is stuck on the island - and it's not even the right island, he was only ever on the other one (by the way, for fun, try to count the amount of dramatic camera moves towards Sam Neill's face as he makes an ominous statement, there are TONS of them). In Serenity, the crew constantly try to keep themselves out of trouble, but things just get worse and worse (see above about making things worse for your heroes), until they have no choice but to face the threat head on (keeping it vague despite the spoiler warning, cause I just couldn't bear to ruin it for even one person).

--I've had about a hundred ideas over the past year, and every single one has been shit, didn't go anywhere, and was a complete waste of time
--I've spent months working on this outline/idea, but it's just fallen to pieces and won't work, so it was a complete waste of time
--I can't think of anything good, interesting, or original

Okay, this one is just moaning and feeling sorry for yourself. We've all done it, and still do it. But you haven't "lost your words", or are unable to write anything ever again. You've just had a run of bad ideas. Nothing is a waste of time - if you're writing or thinking up ideas, your writing brain is working. It'll be even stronger when you finally come up with something good. Stop overthinking it. For several months when writing Severance, before I knew anyone would buy it and make it, my brain kept saying : "Why would you bother writing a horror film, when there's stuff out there like Halloween, The Thing, The Exorcist, A Nightmare on Elm Street, The Haunting, Alien, etc? *Anything* you come up with will pale in comparison, what's the point of writing some shitty slasher movie when it's been done SO much better before, SO many times?? Ooh, you've got a character about to open a door but he's scared the killer is on the other side, gee, never seen THAT before…"

This is your inner critic. You must ignore it. You must kick it to death and set it on fire. Like the best horror villains though, it will of course come back to life and attack you again. Ignore it, don't worry about other movies, follow your own path. Come up with the best possible version of *your* story.

--This ending isn't working, and I don't even know why, I just know it's no good
--I've solved all the problems, it's technically perfect, but it's just not interesting or "alive"

If you're still stuck on one idea, or one script, write something else. Anything, another story, another idea, brainstorm it again, or brainstorm something else again, go for a walk, watch a movie, have some cake, read a book, read a newspaper, research bizarre occurrences, fill your mind with other stuff, and the ideas will come. If the script is done, but a bit lifeless, go over it again, do another draft. Throw in some jokes, some scares, some surprises. Every decision everyone makes, ask yourself: would I, as an audience member, see that coming? Is it plausible? What if they did something else? Do characters just accept decisions without argument? Did they achieve that too easily? Make it harder for them.

Watch a bad movie. How would you fix it? What is the most annoying part of the plot? What would make it good? Analyse where it went wrong. What common mistakes do bad movies always make? How can you make sure your story doesn't make them? Watch a great movie. Why is it great? Any tricks it uses particularly well? Would any of those apply to your current problem?

Do anything and everything you can, overload yourself with sensory input, and *something* will spark off an idea somewhere that might come in handy. Even if it's for something else entirely, by the time you finish writing it down, your brain will be in a creative place, and ready to come up with more ideas. You can't force ideas out of nowhere, but you can get yourself into a state of mind where ideas are more likely to occur to you.

--They're going to hate this, it sucks
--I suck
--I'm ugly, too
--They're going to realise I'm a fraud, I lucked into this whole thing, I'm a big, sucky, ugly fraud

Sure, they might hate it. But have you given it everything you can? Have you made sure the plot twists are surprising, that the characters behave realistically? Have you poured your heart and soul into it? Have you done your absolute best? Are you an exhausted wreck? Then you've done your bit. If they hate it, they'll tell you why, and maybe you can fix it based on their notes. Or maybe they're wrong. Or maybe it just sucks and can't be fixed. There's only one way to find out. Send it. It's always better to know.

You will always feel like a fraud, sorry, that never goes away. If it's any consolation, I'm now convinced that this entire post is absolute shite and way too long, and am considering just not posting it, or cutting it back to the first few paragraphs. But if I start fiddling, it'll never, ever be done, and it'll be another 4 years before I come back to it. So here it is, for better or worse.

Oh, and you're not ugly. I promise. Although you are now significantly older than you were when you started reading this post. Sorry about that.

GameCityNights 6

2010-07-27T17:49:00.001Z

So I seem to have been pretty steadily doing a new post every Monday, purely by accident (although last Monday's was deliberately aimed there), and I built up a backlog of stuff so that I'd always be ahead of the game and not fall behind. Until yesterday - I was out all day and had run out of reserve posts. But hey, what's a day between internet chums, eh internet chums??

Last Friday I went to the 6th GameCityNights event in Nottingham, which was brilliant fun. I was there with Charles Cecil (gaming overlord) and Anwen Aspden (BBC Interactive Exec Producer overlord - overlady?) to talk about Doctor Who: The Adventure Games. It went very well, and was the sort of place you could safely drop in a reference to the strange descriptive text you get in the Resident Evil games when examining items that are of no use.

Once the panel was over, I was given a massive cocktail called a TARDIS, which was very blue and tasty. And then they kept giving me more, helping me work my way through the menu (cocktail ingredients, pics and more details here). They had lots of local developers there to show off their stuff, including a really lovely game called Blind Girl. You play a blind girl (hence the name) who navigates around a series of weird environments using the sound waves from her footsteps, or from a song that she sings. It was great, and I hope they do a PS3 and/or iPhone version so I can give them money. At the moment it's available on Xbox Live Indie Games marketplace, so go and check it out if you can. I don't have links to the other games, due to a terrible memory, but if anyone wants me to link them up here, say the word and I'll update the post.

Thank you to everyone involved for being so welcoming and fun, and particularly to Chloe who got me *two* cocktails, and then poured me into a minicab once my brain had shut down. Oh, and sorry we couldn't really say anything about the next games, hopefully we'll be able to come back another time when one or both of them have been released. If you're in the area, or thinking of being in the area, go along to their events, you'll have a great time - check their website for details.

My backup process

2010-07-19T12:37:00.002Z

About 15 years ago, I lost 4 pages of work due to a computer crash. It still hurts. It always will. Even though I can't actually remember what the hell it was, the point is, I lost that work and it was my fault for not saving often enough.

Never again.

I get baffled when I see, even now, fellow writers *still* losing work when it could be avoided. Sure, sometimes despite your best efforts, the technology will fail and take something from you. But you can try to limit the damage. So here's what I do. Obviously you all have your own methods, technology, your mileage may vary, etc etc. But this works for me. This is my ~~rifle~~ backup process. There are many like it, but this one is mine.

1: Create a new file, and SAVE IT IMMEDIATELY. Don't create a new file, start working for several hours, and then go "ah, better save my work so far". The computer or the software will know that you haven't saved, and will crash or explode. But if you have already named and saved it, you can just keep hitting Apple-S or Ctrl-S every few minutes as you go. My hand is trained to do so. I don't even realise I'm doing it anymore. I get palpitations when I see someone working on a large file called "Document 7" or whatever, indicating they haven't actually saved it yet. Save the file, save the world.

2: At the end of the work day, save the file one last time. If you're using screenwriting software, save it as a rich text file (.RTF) and as a PDF too, just in case the software stops working or the original file format gets corrupted. Sometimes I'll do this halfway through the day as well, if it's something I really, really, really don't want to lose.

3: Email the files you saved to a special Gmail account you have created just for backup. You get over 7GB of storage, which you'll probably never fill with documents. In the subject line, put the title, filename, draft number, and what page you are on. This will help you know what stage you were at, in the event you need to go looking for a copy. I usually put the draft number in the filename too.

4: The next day, copy the file (so you have a "Filename_copy" backup right there in the folder), start working, and repeat steps 2 and 3. Every day, you have a copy of the day's work sent to your Gmail backup, so you will have copies of *everything*.

5: Once a month, copy your entire user folder or documents folder to a portable hard drive. Do not use this drive for anything else.

6: Once every 6 months, copy your files to a different hard drive. Try to keep both drives in another location, or even in different parts of the house.

That's it. If your 6 monthly backup drive dies, you have your monthly backup drive. If that drive dies, you have a copy of every single day's work, and every single draft, in your backup Gmail account. The constant Apple-S or Ctrl-S and emailing the file to yourself means that if there's a crash, you should only ever lose a few minutes' work. Gmail is free, hard drives are fairly cheap. There's no reason to be careless. Update: I also use Dropbox as an extra layer of safety, and for accessing files on the move - it's free, has 2GB of storage, and when you copy a file into the special folder, it automatically syncs across any devices/browsers/computers you want to access it from. Very useful. That's not my referral link by the way, because it'd make it look like I was only mentioning it to get free extra space.

Obviously this won't help you if you accidentally delete or overwrite the file at the end of the day just before emailing it to yourself. So try not to do that. But even if you're taking a break for lunch, email a copy of the file to yourself, just in case. Or even any time you get a few pages done. Only takes a minute to email a copy to your backup Gmail account. Just get a copy of it somewhere away from your main computer, as soon as possible.

Yes, it's a little bit over cautious and obsessive, I admit. But hey, I'm a writer. Paranoia and constant fear go with the territory. Now go and back up your files! Quickly! Before something goes wrong!

First 10 pages, minor character names, and the Red Planet Prize

2010-07-12T12:41:00.001Z

Okay, so the announcements that "should be coming soon" haven't actually arrived yet, but that's just the way of the world. You can never predict when they'll choose to announce stuff, the marketing strategies of big companies are run according to an arcane system of rune casting and entrail reading, by a blind sorcerer who lives in a cupboard. They have to check what other announcements they or other companies have got planned, so as not to be overshadowed. If they announce too early, they risk people getting bored and forgetting about it by the time it's released. Too late, and there's not enough time to build up a buzz. All of which means I have no news today. Don't blame me, blame the entrails.

Somebody was talking on The Twitter the other day about naming minor characters in scripts. The theory is, you can bring a bit of life to a tiny, two-line character, and make it a more enticing prospect for an actor - they'd much prefer to put "Jack 'Hammer' McTavish" on their list of credits instead of "Security guard 2", "Fat bloke", or "Idiot who falls over and shits his pants". So I try to name them when I can. Unless it's the opening 10 pages.

Why not there? Well, if it's a pilot episode, you've got enough new characters to introduce without confusing the issue. If you have your 4 or 5 main characters appearing and speaking, and another 4 or 5 named minor characters popping up with a line here and there, you risk overloading the reader with names to remember in the first few pages. They don't know which ones will be sticking around for the series yet. I don't like to do it, but when trying to grab someone's attention, I don't want to lose them. So I'll use Guard 1 or Shopkeeper, just so the reader knows who to focus on. Sure, your main characters should be fascinating and brilliant enough that it's *obvious* who to focus on. But sometimes, for the sake of clarity and not overloading the page with too much information, it's better to start this way. If that minor character is in the whole episode and part of the main plot, then of course they should be named. But not people who only pop up briefly in that opening section.

Once I've set everyone up in those first 10 pages - I want my main characters right there up front, to show them off - then I can give the minor characters names after that point. Hopefully by then I've done my job properly, and the reader will know who the main characters are and what they're all about. If the thing goes into production, then after it goes out to casting I'll give it a quick pass through and name everyone, as by then everyone will have read it. Even if it's episode 4 and your main characters are already set up, you'll have guest characters and a new story to introduce, so it's still better to keep those first 10 pages clear.

And yes, of course you shouldn't have to dumb anything down, the reader should have patience and stick with it and pay attention to your amazing multi-character story, why is the world so unfair blah blah blah - but it's only a small thing that I reckon makes a big difference. Works for me, your mileage may vary, etc etc. It's hard enough keeping someone's attention in those first 10 pages, and I'll do anything I can to avoid making it more difficult.

Speaking of the first 10 pages, the Red Planet Prize is up and running again, they want to see the first 10 pages of your TV script, and you need to enter it. No entry fee, first prize of £5000, a script commission, an agent, and some priceless mentoring from Red Planet and Kudos. Some runners up get the mentoring too, so it's well worth your time entering. Details are at Sir Daniel of Stackshire's blog here, and he's even written up some helpful tips here. Deadline is 31st July, which doesn't leave much time - but they only want the first 10 pages, and a one page outline of the series or episode. But you could be asked for the full 60 minute script by the end of August, so you still have time to get a script together. Danny's got all the rules and details on his blog - go and read, then get writing, if you haven't started already. Worst case scenario: you've written a brand new script. Go and hit that keyboard.

Redecoration

2010-07-05T09:30:00.000Z

You've probably noticed that I've done a bit of a blog redecoration and cleanup. The sidebar was getting a bit dusty, and I've had the previous template for ages, so it was time to change things around, now that there are some lovely new templates available. Had no idea that Blogger now lets you create separate standalone pages, so there's now a Contact Details page. Oh, and there's a fancy new Twitter widget, replacing the simple link I had before. I'm sure everyone found out about these new Blogger things ages ago, but I'm a bit late to the party. Fashionably late, surely. But it's all good fun.

Hey, you know what else is fun?? Saying something tiny and vague on The Twitter about various cool news items, which people then misquote, deciding you said something else entirely so they can get all annoyed about it. That's *lots* of fun! Oh wait, no it's not fun at all, my mistake, it's a boring pain in the arse. For future reference: if you have an issue with something I've said, please make sure I actually said it before you respond, it's less confusing that way. You know, if it's not too much trouble. Thanks! Love you! Well, most of you! And I look forward to finding out how this paragraph means I hate Albanian joggers, or something.

There should be some announcements soon, as things I've worked on start coming together. Keep watching the skies! Well, keep watching the blog, as the announcements will be here, and not in the skies. Otherwise it'd cost a fortune in skywriting.

TV Writers' Festival

2010-07-02T14:24:00.003Z

Just heading back home from the TV Writers' Festival, which was incredibly helpful and energising. Speakers included Tony Marchant, Jack Thorne, Lizzy Mickery, Polly Hill, Ben Stephenson, and loads more, and the panels were just what I was hoping for, with people I'm in awe of. I remember when I first saw Holding On, and Common As Muck, and still wish I could do something like that. Very inspiring, though it had the effect of making me want to run off and get writing, so probably good that it was only a 2 day event. Only downside for me was missing a couple of panels I really wanted to see, several brilliant things were scheduled at the same time, resulting in some tough choices. Maybe next time it could be longer, without the double sessions. But being spoilt for choice isn't a terrible complaint, it was such a great event. Great to see what must have been a 50/50 male/female ratio in attendees, too, which can only be a good thing for the future of the industry.

Also met loads of fellow writers, some I've met before, some I haven't. All were absolutely lovely and fun to be around. Except that Arnopp chap, he's a right troublemaker- he stabbed three people just for asking him if he wanted tea. Very bad form.

I won't do loads of notes about each session, as I'm sure lots of people will post their own, proper reports online - but I'll link to any good ones I find. If you didn't go, I highly recommend getting along to the next one, it's an extremely valuable event and I'm hugely grateful to all involved for putting it on. Special mention to Mr Stephenson, for not only turning up, but staying with us the whole time, being accessible, and conducting lots of panels brilliantly. The man is clearly committed to and passionate about writers and drama, and I was really surprised and pleased to see him getting properly stuck in.

Update: David Bishop has a superb collection of links to writeups about the event here, which is well worth a read.

The Barron Knight

2010-06-30T00:22:00.000Z

Phill Barron is on fire (metaphorically) at the moment, with a couple of fantastic blog posts. He's always on good form, and blisteringly honest, but these two are particularly fine.

The first, in which he is a hero to all of us writers, is an epic win which is still making me laugh.

The second, in which he gives tough love to new writers, is a harsh-but-fair set of answers to common "I can't break in" complaints. Go and read it now. If any of them upset you, or you think "yeah but that doesn't apply to me", then read it again, and again, and again, until it sinks in. Here's an example of the sort of no nonsense stuff you'll get from him:

7. ‘INSERT FAMOUS WRITER/PRODUCER/TEA BOY HERE’ stole my idea

No they didn’t. Your idea was shit, they just had the same shitty idea. You remember that newspaper article which set you off? Guess fucking what? You weren’t the only person in the world to read it. They just got there first. Tough shit, move on.

Go. Read. And read back through the archives. And hey, even if you disagree with everything, you have to admit - the man can fucking swear for England.

Message in a bottle

2010-06-25T10:50:00.001Z

Every single person we meet alters the course of our lives in some way. Sometimes they send you on a big diversion, sometimes it's only a subtle course adjustment. You don't always realise at the time, and it's only later you find out they've taken up residence in your head.

September, 2006. I was on a plane with my mate Jay, on our way to the Fantastic Fest, a film festival that was showing Severance. We were a few hours away from landing in Dallas. My in-flight TV wasn't working, so we'd been merrily drinking Jack Daniels to pass the time. Towards the end of the flight, they ran out of JD. We were, understandably, heartbroken. But the guy in the seat next to me offered me his mini bottle, as he had only used a bit of it. I gratefully accepted, and we got chatting.

He was in the army. Must have been about 20, looked really young. He was on his way back from Afghanistan, going home on leave. His daughter had been born while he was away. He'd never seen her in person, never held her in his arms, so obviously he was really looking forward to meeting her. But once his leave was over, he was going back overseas - this time, to Iraq. He wasn't worried though, in fact he was looking forward to it. All of his unit mates were there, and he felt responsible to them. They were there, so he should be there too. He would miss his family, and newborn daughter, of course. But he'd signed up for this, and was going to do his duty. I can't imagine having that strength and courage in the face of such danger. But it was second nature to him. And at least he was getting to see his family now, before he went back over.

Soon after that, it was time to land. We said our goodbyes, and wished each other luck. We must have chatted for about 10, maybe 20 minutes. But I've wondered, pretty much every week since then, how he is, and if he's okay. Obviously there are many, many more who serve, and they always have my absolute support and admiration. But he was the only one I've actually met in person, so I can't stop wondering what happened to him.

He seemed like a really good guy. I hope he had a great time with his family. I hope he made it through his time in Iraq, and got home safely. I hope he's safe and well now.

And I hope that one day, I get to meet him again. I owe the man a drink.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Here's the part where, hopefully, you enter the story. I would really, really love to find out who he is and if he's okay, so if you know him, or know of him, or *are* him, please get in touch (email address on the contact details page linked under my profile up on the right). The tricky thing is, I'm terrible at remembering names, so… I can't remember his name. I'm not even sure we exchanged names, it was a fairly short conversation. If I'd known he was going to stick in my head for so long, I'd have asked him. But here are the details I do know.

It was a flight to Dallas Fort Worth, Texas, on Tuesday, September 20th, 2006, from London Gatwick. American Airlines flight AA51, economy section, departing Gatwick at 10.25am, arriving in Dallas Fort Worth at 2.20pm. The takeoff was delayed about 45 minutes. The in-flight movies were X-Men 3, and Firewall (hey, anything that might jog a memory…) Me, Jay and our new army friend were in the middle column of seats, at the front of a section by the bulkhead, with the big projected Skymap in front of us. I'm fairly sure he was Texan, as far as I could tell he had a Texan accent. He was in civilian clothes, had blonde or very light brown cropped/shaved/military style hair. I'm not sure what branch of the army he was in, whether he was stationed in Texas, lived in Texas, or was getting a connecting flight to go somewhere else. Think he was about 5 foot 9 inches high, wiry to medium build.

That's all the info I have. I realise it's not much to go on. But hey, it's a big old internet out there, and somebody might know of somebody who knew somebody else who was getting home on leave around that time to see their newborn baby daughter. It's a slim chance, but you never know, stranger things have happened. So this is my message in a bottle. Hopefully it'll find its way to dry land.

Highlander season 2 audio

2010-06-21T18:37:00.001Z

The Season 2 box set of Big Finish's Highlander audio series is now available to order on CD, or as a download, containing all 4 linked episodes featuring the Four Horsemen from the Highlander TV series. I wrote one, Scott Andrews wrote the other 3, and they're really good fun. Well, if your definition of fun includes swordfights, punchups, betrayal, murder, torture, insanity, love, hate, jokes, action, adventure, roaring rampages of revenge spanning thousands of years, and ice-cream - which mine does, of course.

From the website:

Methos. Kronos. Silas. Caspian. Four names that struck terror into the hearts of men, women and children for centuries when they rode the lands under the name The Four Horsemen.

The second series of Highlander audio adventures takes an in-depth look at these four people; their origins, their secrets, and what made them the bloodthirsty killers they became.

This link here has a lovely photo of Peter Wingfield, aka Methos, taken while he was actually recording his episode, so go and have a look, and marvel at his manly goatee. We've got all four actors who played the Horsemen, as well the fantastic Tracy-Ann Oberman, Toby Longworth, and John Banks. It's all moving along really well, and I can't wait to hear it when it's all finished. There are some more details on the June edition of the Big Finish podcast, from around 27 minutes 40 seconds in, until about 33 minutes.

But when can you own this fine entertainment?? Well, it'll be out on 31st January 2011. I know it's a while away, but hey, pretend you're an Immortal, and the time will pass by in a brief moment. Warning: you are not actually an Immortal. Do not do anything life threatening. Do not spurn potential partners by claiming you will have to watch the other person grow old and die while you remain eternally young. Do not engage anyone in swordfights, and definitely do not kill them.

Screening of "Dreams With Sharp Teeth", with Q&A

2010-06-14T10:26:00.001Z

Do you like Harlan Ellison? Do you want to see the documentary about him, "Dreams With Sharp Teeth"? Do you want to see it on a big screen at the South Bank Centre? Introduced by the director, Erik Nelson? With (technology permitting) a speakerphone Q&A with Harlan after the screening, conducted by TV's James Moran (me)??

If you answered "yes" to some or all those questions, then you're in luck! The South Bank Centre are screening the fantastic documentary, on Friday 18th June, at 9pm, introduced by director Erik Nelson. Afterwards, assuming the technology works, we'll phone up Harlan at his home in LA, and I'll be conducting (well, sitting quietly while he talks at great length) a Q&A, asking a few questions of my own and hopefully plenty of yours too. Bear in mind that even a simple, short answer becomes an epic, 2 hour tale when Harlan speaks, so we might only get to ask one question. And if the speakerphone technology fails us, we'll probably be able to hear him anyway, because that mofo can PROJECT, folks. On foggy days, he is hired to stand on the coast and warn approaching ships about the rocks. NASA have him on standby to shatter dangerous asteroids by shouting at them.* If he raises his voice too much, it echoes backwards through time, making The Big Bang cover its ears and shriek "what the hell was THAT??"**

"But TV's James Moran," I hear you cry, "Times are hard! I can't afford the frivolous expense of going to see some documentary about a writer! Even one as handsome, clever and charming as Harlan Ellison!" Well fear not, because the tickets are free. Yes, FREE, gratis, for nothing. You still have to book tickets, but they won't cost you a penny. There's a transaction fee if you book online (£1.45) or by phone (£2.50), but you can always go to the box office in person and book them, and that way there'll be no fee at all.

So run, don't walk, to the nearest phone, computer, or South Bank Centre ticket office, and book now, before they run out of seats. It's filling up fast, don't be left out. More details, address and seating plans are all at the website. Good luck! Hope to see you there.

Footnotes:
---------------
* I'm aware sound cannot travel in the vacuum of space. But seriously, that doesn't take into account how loud Harlan can shout.

** I'm also aware the The Big Bang was a cosmic event, and not some anthropomorphic figure that can cover its ears, not that it even has ears. But again, Harlan's yell makes the impossible possible.

*** There is no third footnote.

Highlander recording, Doctor Who game, Wales Comic Con

2010-06-05T15:38:00.000Z

Most of my Highlander audio play has now been recorded, and I went to Big Finish to see the first half being done a few weeks ago - for various logistical reasons, they had to be recorded separately. I announced on The Twitter recently that the guest voice in mine is the delightful Tracy-Ann Oberman, but if you missed it or aren't on there, well, here you go. The plays are based around The Four Horsemen from the TV series, so you can probably guess who else will be in them. Not sure if I can say which one mine is yet, so I'll hold off for now. I'm really chuffed that Tracy-Ann was up for the part, and will continue to make it my mission to try and get her cast in everything, because she's brilliant.

It's a very relaxed, different kind of atmosphere to a TV or film set. There's the control booth, with nice sofas, and on the other side of the glass, a few small recording booths with microphones, chairs, and not much else, really:

There's no lighting to set up, not much preparation required, the actors can just walk in, get themselves sorted, and start acting, which I'm sure they appreciate. They don't have to glam up or anything, and can just turn up in casual clothes and bring their voices. Having said that, of course The Oberman looked *immaculate* as always, because some people are just fabulous 24 hours a day... Most of the sessions involve one or two takes after a quick run through, and they usually get it first time. Tracy-Ann was superb, and brought the character to life beautifully, she's an absolute gem. Acting opposite her, playing several parts, was the brilliant Big Finish regular John Banks - I couldn't see him from where I was sitting, so it was as if there were about 40 different actors in the other booth. They then did half of another audio, where Tracy-Ann played a completely different character with a different accent, and again, it was like someone else entirely had walked in. Actors, I am in awe of your talents.

Halfway through, I experienced the legendary Big Finish lunch. Every time I mentioned BF to people, they would always go misty-eyed, and say "ahhh, the lunches…" It got to the point where I thought they were taking the piss, and the lunch would be awful. But no, it was as amazing as they'd promised, and we all stuffed our face. I realise this is an incredibly boring paragraph to 95% of you, but to the 5% who have been wondering about the lunches, put your minds at rest. However, there were no cigars, martinis, old-fashioned BBC-style microphones, and I didn't seen even ONE smoking jacket. Dreams?? Shattered. But the plays are coming along really well, and are going to be great. Still not sure when they'll be released, I'll update when I know anything.

The first Doctor Who game is released now! For Windows, anyway, the Mac version will be out on the 15th, both are downloadable but you need internet access to play (it checks to make sure you're in the UK). If you live outside the UK, you'll be able to purchase it sometime in July. Yes, purchase. We UK folk get it "free" because we pay a TV licence fee. According to several people, the Windows version apparently works in Linux using WINE, but obviously that's not supported or guaranteed, don't complain to us if your computer shoots out black oil and bees, or explodes, or both. The first episode, City of the Daleks, is written by Phil Ford, and it's fantastic. No idea when the others are due out, you'll be the first to know once it's decided. Well, second to know, after The Twitter. Well, after everyone else who needs to know before that.

And finally, here's an event you might be interested in: The Wales Comic Con is on 19th September (link goes to Facebook event page), from 10am to 5pm. It's at Glyndwr University, Wrexham, and costs £5 for adults, and a mere £3 if you're under 14. Guests include Kai Owen off of that Torchwood show, Larry Kenney, the voice of Lion-O from the original Thundercats series, and Mike Edmonds, who has been in loads of things like Return of the Jedi (as Logray the Ewok, and also as Jabba the Hutt's tail), Time Bandits (as Og! I love Og!), Flash Gordon, the Dark Crystal, but even more excitingly, the Safety Dance video (warning: watching that video makes you go insane). Another guest you may have heard of is a devastatingly handsome, talented chap called - oh, how embarrassing! It's me! Yes, I'll be appearing - "appearing"? I mean, I'll be there, I won't *appear*, out of nowhere, I'll probably just walk through a door - at the event, so hopefully I'll see some of you there. Come and say hello, I don't bite. For less than £20.

Hurricane Who

2010-05-26T18:21:00.000Z

Brief announcement: I won't be making it to the Hurricane Who convention this October after all. I know it's still not clear whether it's going ahead or not, but even if it is, I won't be there. Sorry I won't get to see you all there, but hopefully I'll see you at another event.

Projects update

2010-05-12T23:35:00.006Z

It's a funny thing, blogging. Especially if your job involves lots of things you can't really talk about. You want to be informative or entertaining, preferably both, but a lot of the time your hands are tied (and not in a good way). I've got several projects in development right now, none of which I can talk about yet, because they're all waiting for the next stage in the process. Until any or all of them start getting made, it's not appropriate for me to discuss them in detail. There are usually non-disclosure clauses in the contracts, too. I could refer to them vaguely, and call them Secret TV Show this or Secret Movie Thing that, which I did for a while, but it just gets annoying for everyone. So it's better to just not say much about them at all, and wait until there's something to report. Like these things:

Highlander: I've written my first ever audio play for Big Finish, for the second season of their Highlander range. The most excellent Scott Andrews has written the first three, and I've done the finale - they're standalone stories, but have a big arc too, which we co-plotted. They'll feature the Four Horsemen from the TV series, and are recording this week, which I'm looking forward to. I've never seen an audio recording, but I imagine everyone stands around in smoking jackets, in front of huge, old fashioned, BBC-style microphones, smoking cigars and drinking martinis. I'll be wearing my own smoking jacket and bringing a cocktail shaker, just to make sure that nothing goes wrong. There are some more details in the May Big Finish podcast starting at around 22 minutes and 55 seconds. Not sure when the plays are out, so keep an eye out for more news.

Doctor Who game: In another first for me, I'm working on a computer game. It's part of a series of interactive episodes of Doctor Who, with Matt and Karen doing the voices. There are lots more details at this link here, and you can see a trailer for the first one here. I can't say any more until later, but they're looking fantastic so far, and I'm very excited to be writing for the 11th Doctor and Amy.

Cockneys Vs Zombies: This is a horror comedy movie I've written, which starts filming this summer, and is going really well. It's great fun, very silly, and full of proper zombie action. They're old school, slow zombies, by the way, which is always the first question I get asked. The second question is, "can I be a zombie extra" - I don't know, maybe, I know there are several scenes with lots of zombies, so if we do need extras I'll get the word out here and on Twitter. I'm hoping to be a zombie extra myself, which I shouldn't find too difficult - shuffle around, moan, and don't say anything?? That's just me when I'm hungover or ill. But with a bit more blood than usual.

Big Finish Short Trips: The book range is no more, but the audio version is alive and well. Recently they held a competition to write an audio short story for this year's CD releases, and the winners are announced here. Along with the winners, several established writers will be included, including Lord Jason "Jason Arnopp" Arnopp who blogs about it here, Viscount Simon "Grrrrr" Guerrier, Richard Dinnick, Kate Orman, Andrew Cartmel, and a handsome, talented chap called - oh, how embarrassing! It's me! Although you probably expected that, seeing as this whole post is about things I'm working on.

Crusoe: The Region 1 DVD has been out for a while, but it's finally been released here on Region 2 DVD (on Amazon and Play). Showrunner and all round brilliant gent Stephen Gallagher talks more about the writing of the show on his blog.

I posted the Girl Number 9 news in the previous post, so won't repeat myself here. I'll talk about the actual production of it later, because I learned a lot and had a great (if exhausting) time. In the meantime, check out Dan's brilliant, detailed aftermath post here, and read the rest of his blog for other snippets. You might get the impression from various things he says that we've got something else web-related in the pipeline, and the truth is-- oh! Blog post cliffhanger! You'll have to wait until another time to find out more…

Girl Number 9 at the Streamy Awards

2010-04-19T00:36:00.000Z

I love America, I really do. They have an infinite combination of interesting foods and beverages, any of which you can get at any time of the day or night. It's a much more civilised way of doing things. However, with great choice comes the inevitable abuse of power. This, surely, is a sign of the apocalypse:

Last week I went to Los Angeles with Dan Turner to attend the 2nd annual Streamy Awards. Girl Number 9 was nominated for 5 of them, which was a huge validation for us - just being included in a lineup with big names like The Guild was very cool and a real honour. Back when we were thinking up the idea in the Star Cafe in Soho last year, we had no idea that our little project would get so much attention. We didn't win anything on the night, which was obviously disappointing, but overall it feels like a win that we were even there. While in town we managed to "take" a few meetings, too, which all went very well. Why do people say they "take" meetings? I have them, or attend them, I don't take them anywhere.

And now Girl Number 9 has been snapped up by distribution company Fireworks International, who will get it seen by many more people this year, so our freakishly mutated baby is growing up even faster. But what was it like for a small town farmboy with just a few dreams and broken droids to be thrust into a galactically important event? Shall I tell you? Shall I?? Oh, go on, then.

Blah blah breakfast, blah blah preparations, blah blah travel. Cut to: Me and Dan, dressed in our finest smart-casual gear, arriving at the fancy schmancy Orpheum Theatre in downtown Hollywood. They had valet parking (more on that later), and a huge red carpet area over by the entrance, which we were due to walk down:

Gulp. I've done lots of press things before and am used to it, but crowds freak me out a bit, especially when they're all looking at me. We were met by our "handler", who then handed us over to the PR lady from Girl Number 9's new distribution company. She came with us on the red carpet and held up a piece of paper with our photos, names, and the title of our show - that way the interviewers could pretend they knew exactly who we were without any prompting. Dan's photo was of Joe Absolom, but nobody seemed to notice. Each group of people had their own "handler", each one holding their own piece of paper in silence, which was a bizarre sight. The first section was a horde of photographers, and our job was to stare at them in terror and look awkward while they took photos:

Photo by TheBuiBrothers.com.

Then on to the next section where we got interviewed several million times by various people from websites, news channels, and so on. In the middle there was a big bed, for some reason, with a loud, comedy guy who shouted jokey questions at us and waited for us to hurry up and answer so he could shout his next joke. I made a quick joke, which he immediately countered with another, and then just got even louder, as if to make it clear who the comedian was. Then we were quickly moved along so he could do it all again with the next batch of people.

There were more interviews in the next section, and I was running out of things to say. Most of the interviewers were really nice, but some were completely dead-eyed and just stared blankly whenever we made jokes. Or maybe our jokes were just shit. Met the very cool Zoetica Ebb, who I recognised from The Internets, and had a brief chat with after she took our photos. On to the next interviewer, and I started rambling about how Streamy attention for a small UK show was a good example of the American dream in action. Good line, but I just. Kept. Fucking. Talking. Going on about the web being a new frontier, like the gold rush days, and we were going to find a piece of internet land, stake our internet claim, and… raise internet horses. I stopped, amazed at my own nonsense. She laughed, so I pretended it was a deliberate joke and joined in.

And then the next one, and the next one, and the next, a never ending row of people who would interview us and then politely wait while we got shuffled on. It was like a constant replay of that scene in Grosse Point Blank when they get their name tags at the reunion, awkwardness and all. Strangest question was from an environmental website, and a funny interviewer with amazing tattoos, who asked if there were any eco friendly messages in Girl Number 9. I thought fast, and said the dim lighting in the police station was a message about turning off unnecessary lights. I then started going on about "creative juices oozing from our every pore", for some reason, which made her laugh and then actually blush. Hey, I was running on fumes, and was grabbing the jokes where I could. She was the last interviewer, and we gratefully escaped into the lobby. Took about 30 or 40 minutes altogether, but only felt like about 6 hours or so.

In the lobby, we clung to one wall, staring at the people who were there. All around us were cool, stylish, good looking people with deep tans and expensive outfits. We were two pasty, unfit Brits who had somehow snuck our way into the building. One guy had a lot of makeup on. I mean, a LOT. I kept staring at him, fascinated, and he caught me a few times. I couldn't help it, he fascinated me - he had dark orange skin, thick, augmented eyebrows, badly dyed hair, eyeliner, and flesh tone lipstick, like he'd painted a matinee idol face over his own. I think I fell in love with him a little bit for daring to leave the house looking like a Thunderbird puppet.

I knocked back a drink to calm down, and a Twix because we hadn't eaten since breakfast and had to leave the hotel at 2pm. No time for lunch or love, Dr Jones, we were getting ready. And there was no food there at all, not even to buy, apart from chocolate and crisps. We wandered around, and saw Robert Englund, Felicia Day, James Gunn, Ted Raimi, Fran Kranz - and Patrick Duffy, randomly. Turns out he has a web series, Patrick Duffy and the Crab. I know. It's very funny though, check it out.

Finally, we went to get our seats for the ceremony. Other people have had a lot to say about what happened, so I won't dwell on it. But you don't honour new, innovative web media by belittling the industry, telling us that we're wasting our time on something crappy nobody will ever see, and that we'll never make money from it. It was a huge honour to be nominated for the Streamys, but the ceremony whittled that away over several hours, and made me embarrassed to think that people I cared about were watching. If you did watch, I'm sorry, I had no idea it would be like that. Hopefully things will be better next year, it sounds like steps are already being taken to address it.

While I'm on the subject, if you're attending a 3+ hour show, please don't bring *incredibly* stinky food with you, talk loudly amongst yourselves and on your phones, and then try and tell me that my seat was reserved for your group, when I have a ticket for this exact seat *and* a reservation placed on the seat itself. You stinky-food-eating, obnoxiously loud wanker.

Once it was all over, we went back to the car park with a valet parking ticket, but no car. Or keys. Nobody seemed to know what was going on, and we weren't the only ones wandering around. Finally, someone came out and told us to go out the car park, turn right, walk about a block, cross the road, walk about another block, find the first big car park on the right, and the guy in there would give us our car. Not exactly "valet" parking, but hey, as long as we get our car back. We went there, and ended up standing around waiting for our car, with Ted Raimi and Felicia Day (both of whom I wanted to say hello to, but didn't want to hassle them when they didn't know if their cars would ever arrive). The parking attendant had all the keys in a box in the back of his car, which was actually pretty funny. Not so funny for people at the after-party, who weren't told what was going on - see James Gunn's blog for his version of hunt-the-car in the rain. Thankfully our car arrived, and we escaped.

After a succession of failed attempts to find somewhere to eat, and a slight temper tantrum from Toddler Jimbo, we ended up at the Aroma cafe on Sunset Boulevard. I had a steak and three margaritas, as I was feeling very sorry for myself. Until I saw what a shit evening the waitress was having - customers hassling her, plates dropped, chaos everywhere. And *I* was having a bad day, because I hadn't won any awards?? What a spoilt bastard! I cheered up once I realised I was being a petulant swine, and we both tried to make the waitress laugh to counteract the douchey customers at the next table.

It was a really cool flying visit, and all because of what we did. We made a great show that we're really proud of. Lots of people liked it. And it got nominated for 5 awards, at an event alongside several huge budget, sponsored web shows. We did that, we achieved that. And that, in the end, was our big win. Although those margaritas were very nice too.

Stepping back

2009-07-12T19:41:00.007Z

Before I start, this post - and every post on here, and anything I say on Twitter, or anywhere else - is entirely MY opinion. Nothing to do with the people I've worked with, or the BBC, or anyone else. I don't speak for any other writers, I *only* speak for myself, and I will not pass on any messages to anyone.

Here's my position: I'm not going get into any more discussions or debates about what happened in Torchwood this week (being vague, in case people come across this and haven't seen it). Not now, not in the future.

Why? I started trying to discuss it, but swiftly realised that it was pointless. It simply turns into "No it isn't" / "Yes it is", and there's no way I can win the argument, because in certain people's opinion, I am wrong, and that's the end of it. And it's all just opinion anyway. It would also feel like I was trying to justify the show, and I'm not doing that. I have absolutely no need to. The show is the show. Whether you like it or dislike it, that's up to you.

I helped plot the whole storyline, and I stand by every single decision. Yes, including *that* one - I had my hand on the death lever along with everyone else, and was fully involved. I think it's a fantastic, brave, challenging drama, and contains some of the best moments on TV all year.

I've received over a thousand messages from viewers talking about the show. The vast majority have been extremely positive. Even though many of them are upset, angry and shocked, they have managed to express that without making it personal. So to you, I'm extremely grateful. I'm glad you liked the show, and love that it made you respond so strongly. I can't reply to everyone, it'd take weeks, so please accept my thanks.

But the rest of the messages? Unacceptable. Some have been spewing insults and passive aggressive nonsense. Accusing me of deliberately trying to mislead, lie, and hurt people. Telling me I hate the fans, that I'm laughing at them, that I used them, that I'm slapping people in the face, that I've "killed" the show, that I'm a homophobe, that I want to turn the fanbase away and court new, "cooler" viewers, even that I'm hurting depressed people with dark storylines. Asking me to pass on vitriolic, hateful messages to people I love and respect.

Not cool.

These are all things that nobody would dare to say to me in person. But on the internet, it's easy for them to fire off these things. Forgetting that at the other end is me, a real person, someone who has been nothing but open and friendly. But I've been a bit too open, a bit too nice, a bit too willing to explain the thought process behind story decisions. And some people are taking advantage of that, or misinterpreting what it means.

So here's the deal: I'm a professional writer. That's my job. I write what I write, for whatever the project might be. I have the utmost respect for you, and honestly want you to like my work, but I can't let that affect my story decisions. Everybody wants different things from a story, but this is not a democracy, you do not get to vote. You are free to say what you think of my work, even if you hate it, I honestly don't mind. But the ONLY person I need to please is myself, and the ONLY thing I need to serve is the story. Not you. I will do my work to the very best of my ability, in an attempt to give you the best show, the best movie, the best story, the best entertainment I possibly can. Even if that means that sometimes, I'll do things you won't like. I won't debate it. Either you go along with it, or you don't. None of it is done to hurt you, or to force some agenda down your throat, or anything else. It's all in service of the story.

When I started this blog, I wanted to give some insight into the writing process. I've done that. I've answered all the questions, written about the process, done several huge posts trying to pass on what I've learned. The posts are all still there, and will remain there. I've had great fun with it, and given as much as I can, but it's never going to be enough. For a while now, I've let things get too cosy here, indulged myself too much, and if I let it carry on, it will affect my work. The last few days have just confirmed that for me. So I'm going to step back and take an extended break from it. Things are very busy for the next month or two, and I won't have the time anyway. I'm extremely grateful to everyone who has commented on here, and if the blog continues at a later date, it will be limited to anything that isn't about the work - announcements, TV/movie recommendations, etc. I have to concentrate on my writing.

And I will not put up with any more abusive messages, or threats, or accusations, or attempted guilt trips. So while I completely understand your pain at some of the events in the series, that does not give you the right to insult me. Talk about the *work*, all you want. But lay off the person behind the work. Because I'm simply trying to tell you good stories. In the end, that is all I can do.

James Moran
Writer

Please feel free to pass this on, I encourage you to do so, to make my position clear to everyone - but you must include the link to the full post here: http://jamesmoran.blogspot.com/2009/07/stepping-back.html

Torchwood. Children of Earth. Day Five.

2009-07-10T11:51:00.002Z

Day Five.

(Note: this was written before the online stuff happened, will do a full blog post over the weekend addressing it, and what I think, and responding to everyone.)

All hope is lost. Is this the end? Today's nuggets: mild, vague spoiler for yesterday's episode - I helped come up with the reason why they wanted the gift (you know what I mean), and explained what I meant by describing how foie gras is made (look it up, it's horrendous). As for tonight's episode - in the very first storyline meeting, we went through several different versions of the ending before settling on this, and then it changed again. And it's not going to end the way you think.

Good old Broadcast, taking the tiny drop between eps 1 and 2, and spinning it into "OMG TOUCHINGWOOD IS D00MZ0R3D". Every series drops off after the first one, even stripped ones - Criminal Justice lost 700,000 after ep1, but that's normal. Torchwood's smaller drop was actually pretty cool. Unless you're Broadcast. No sign of the "Torchwood leaps back up to 5.9m" story on their site, maybe I'm not looking in the right place. Also, 6.4 million for last night's episode, it went up even higher, which is pretty fantastic.

Don't forget, there'll be spoilers in the comments, so if you haven't seen the episode, don't read the comments. And remember, the Americans and Canadians don't get the show until the 20th, so please don't drop massive spoiler bombs where they can't avoid seeing them (like in your public Twitter feed). Be considerate!

Torchwood. Children of Earth. Day Four.

2009-07-09T08:58:00.002Z

Day Four.

Shocking revelations, and much more. Today's nuggets: you'll see the object that I was brought into a room to see when I was on set, the object that horrified me and made me wonder if we would actually get away with this. You'll know it when you see it, it's during a scene where you find out the reason for something. This scene was going to be in episode 3, but would have meant too much exposition/delay in the middle of the cliffhanger, so got moved here.

As for last night's overnight figures: 5.9 million viewers. Holy fuckbum titspangling cockbananas. Normally there's a gradual drop off as a series goes on, as viewers forget it's on, or drift away. This is fucking incredible. I'm so, so chuffed and proud. Audience appreciation index was 90, which is fantastic.

Thank you everyone for the amazing response to yesterday's episode - comments, Tweets, emails, and so on - I'm gobsmacked yet again at how cool you all are. I really do get nervous before anything of mine airs, you never know if it just won't catch the audience in the right way, if everyone will hate it. I knew it was a solid, cracking episode, and thankfully, most people seemed to really go for it. I had 100 replies on Twitter, mostly between 10.00pm and 10.09pm. As I was reading those, another 37 came in. As I was reading *those*, another 19 came in. And they kept coming in, it was amazing. I tried to reply to as many questions as possible, but had to stop around midnight, I was knackered. Sorry if I didn't reply to you, but I really appreciate every single comment, thank you so much. This morning, another 70 replies! Blimey, I love Twitter.

Don't forget, there'll be spoilers in the comments, so if you haven't seen the episode, don't read the comments. And remember, the Americans and Canadians don't get the show until the 20th, so please don't drop massive spoiler bombs where they can't avoid seeing them (like in your public Twitter feed). Be considerate!

Torchwood: Children of Earth. Day Three.

2009-07-08T08:54:00.002Z

Day Three.

Blimey - overnights for last night's second episode: 5.6 million. The first day was 5.9 million, and you'd normally expect a big drop after the first episode, every new season is the same, but this is incredible. Thank you all for staying with it, I'm so excited.

Hello! Today's nuggets: to those who have asked about the shared credit, me and Russell are both credited tonight - I did five drafts of the script while he did episode 1, and then he took ep3 from there for the final draft. I'll talk more about the writing process once it's all over, if people have more questions. There's also an interview with me here at Den of Geek, in which I explain a bit more about the writing process.

Bonus nuggets: This episode was also the first time ever I'd written a specific kind of thing - it disappeared later, as the subplot changed location, but it was still a first for me. I'll say what it was in the comments after the episode. Also, the team are forced to do something they've never done before. And I come up with a creative solution for a clothing difficulty. Oh, and watch out for the chopping board, in one of my favourite scenes.

One last nugget, which I'll leave you to ponder, it's not spoilery because I refuse to explain it: "The Hub 2". And no, it's not what you think.

But for now - something is coming...

Don't forget, there'll be spoilers in the comments, so if you haven't seen the episode, don't read the comments. And remember, the Americans and Canadians don't get the show until the 20th, so please don't drop massive spoiler bombs where they can't avoid seeing them (like in your public Twitter feed). Be considerate!

Torchwood: Children of Earth. Day Two.

2009-07-07T14:29:00.005Z

Day Two.

5.9 million viewers for last night's episode, which is REALLY good news - and that's just the overnight figures, not taking into account HD or BBC3 viewers, or iPlayer, or Sky+ recordings, so it'll go up even more when the numbers are all crunched. Viewing figures actually went up during the episode, too. Let's hope we can keep hold of as many viewers as possible, so keep watching.

Hope you enjoy tonight's cracking episode from John Fay, as the story continues. Today's nuggets: potatoes play a very significant role at a crucial moment. As does a hearse. And I predict the internet will *explode* when you see a certain something through a security camera feed. Enough! I say no more! Enjoy the show!

Don't forget, there'll be spoilers in the comments, so if you haven't seen the episode, don't read the comments. And again, the lovely Americans and Canadians won't officially get this season until the 20th of July, so PLEASE try not to spoil in Twitter posts - I don't mean you can't talk about it, but don't just post huge spoilers that will, well, spoil the surprise of the show for them. It's not fair to them, they're trying to stay spoiler free. Thank you.

Torchwood: Children of Earth. Day One.

2009-07-06T12:33:00.005Z

Day One.

When every single child on Earth stops, Torchwood is thrown into a world of terror.

Just in case you've missed all my blog posts, Twitter mentions, the Radio Times pullout cover, the Telegraph article, the covers of several magazines, the trailers, the TV ads... Torchwood Children of Earth starts today, at 9pm on BBC One.

It's a big, 5 part story, so you'll have to watch the whole thing. If you miss an episode, then it won't make sense. My one is on Wednesday, but you should be watching them all.

And as usual, the pre-broadcast nerves spring into action. They never trouble me until the day before it's on, then suddenly they arrive. We've all been working on it for so long, and are all so proud of what we've achieved, we haven't really had time to think about anything else. But what if everyone hates it? You never, EVER know if something is going to go down well or not. It's worse this time, because I haven't simply done an episode - I'm one of only three writers, and we (me, Russell, John Fay, with the producer, director, script editor, and Julie Gardner) storylined the whole thing, working out the entire plot in a room in Cardiff. There are bits from all of us in every single episode. So I'm partly responsible for the whole thing this time, which scares me a bit.

I'm not fishing for compliments or sympathy here. I genuinely never know if anyone's going to like something. I do the job to the best of my ability, but you still just don't know. But we've made what we think is a damn good show, and really hope you enjoy it.

There's an interview with me over at Den of Geek, in which I talk about the show and a bit more about the writing process - don't worry, there are no spoilers.

I'll do a mini post every day for each episode, with a small nugget of info each time, so feel free to comment and say what you think. Like or dislike, I'm a grown up and honestly don't mind, but let's keep it civil. Also, if you haven't seen the episode and come here after the fact? There will be spoilers in the comments. Be warned.

See you tonight, for episode one, "Day One" - it begins. Today's nugget of info: we'll meet a hitch hiker, but not the sort that thumbs for lifts. And the sentence "We are coming" - that's not the whole sentence. There's more, which you'll find out at the end of the episode...

Twitter caption competition results

2009-07-05T10:35:00.004Z

Okay, the Twitter caption competition results are in! Sorry it took so long, but there were well over 300 entries, and the judging panel had to read through them all. The competition was simple - come up with a caption for this photo:

There were lots of jokes about beaming up, and lots about me looking up skirts and kilts. You must all think I'm a Star Trek-obsessed pervert who likes copping sneaky looks at genitalia. You know me better than I realised. A lot of you went for the redecoration angle, there were several superglue gags, and lots of me being horrified by sexual antics out of shot. The most frequent captions involved me getting shat on by Myfanwy, which is clearly something most of you want to happen. I'm taking it as a compliment.

But we narrowed down the entries, until a few rose above the rest. The runners up, who get nothing but the glory of coming OH SO CLOSE:

BinkyBird: James was begining to wonder if he'd misunderstood Jack's instruction to "head for the other entrance"

psycicflower: James was taking extreme precautions to make sure he never heard the question 'When does the new series of Torchwood start?' again.

KGaleway: "New rule, no antigravity clamps during naked hide and seek."

And finally, the winning caption:

Andrew_Taylor: "If Microsoft Voice-Activated Teleporter 2009 is working, I should be arriving in Florida any second. Touch wood."

It's funny, it's clever, and it's still making me laugh. Well done, Andrew Taylor, you may nominate yourself or a personage of your choice to be named and possibly shamed, maimed or killed in the next thing of mine that gets made or published. It may be a TV/film project, it might be a short story, but either way, your chosen name will be in there. Email me (link in the sidebar) with your chosen name, and the address you want the signed copy sent to when it comes out.

In fact, because I'm feeling generous, I will also use the chosen names of the above runners up - BUT, Andrew will be first, and only he gets the signed copy of whatever it is. It may be a little while before you runners up get your names in something, so be patient. Send me your chosen names now, and I'll use them when I can. Sorry to those of you who didn't win, but don't worry, I'll have another competition at some point, because it's good fun.

Thank you to everyone who entered, you're all funny, clever, and brilliant. And filthy.

Telegraph article by me

2009-07-03T18:12:00.004Z

Just a reminder that tomorrow's Telegraph TV Magazine (it comes with the newspaper) features an article by me, all about the Torchwood Children of Earth writing process, with a few other random digressions. I believe it'll be mentioned on the front cover, which is very exciting.

Update! It's also now online, so you can read it right here, without having to leave the house.

And another reminder that the new series starts on Monday at 9pm on BBC1, although I'm sure you all probably know that by now. Yes.

Update: Didn't realise, but this was my 500th post! Blimey. That's a lot of nonsense over the past 6 years. You may celebrate in your own way, or not at all, whatever you prefer. I'm a benevolent dictator.